He Crossed The Line


I am so mad right now, I could spit nails! I very seldom go on a pity trip. I am tougher than most think, and deal with a lot of issues that in a normal person’s life, would not deal with. Remember my last post? The one of which I spoke about Al and the women’s flyers and papers he was hoarding onto? I have already explained this earlier. Some of you disagreed with me and feel like I should let him have what he wishes, and others felt like I was doing alright. It so matters what your comments are, but I still have to do what I have to do in order to keep him safe for himself, and others. He has not always been an angel, nor have any of us, but when mom and dad were alive, he pulled many tricks that they always got him out of because of his mentality. I get it, and I am not going to bash my parents for what decisions they made for Al. When I talked to Al about his way of talking about women and wanting to gawk at their nakedness, I told him I could understand how he felt, and I also told him he could have a couple of items for his personal use in his bedroom. I thought all was alright, because I didn’t hear anything else about it the rest of the day. Right now though, I am on a pity trip for me. It is giving me great pleasure to some degree, because my mind is off of him and on to me. I worked my bottom off today. I hurt my back again rearranging all the furniture so that he could get his scooter all through the house. I did this for him, more than for me. I did his laundry today, folded it and actually took it and placed it on his bed, that I had changed the sheets earlier this morning for him without an offer from him to help. Everything I do revolves around his wishes and wants and needs. I always put me last. In the past ten months, I have probably had maybe if I stretch it, sixteen hours total to myself. Other than that he and I are together all the time. I bend over backwards to make him happy, to produce a smile. I went way over board to give him a big birthday party. Part of me is starting to cool down a bit and get that built-in mechanism back telling myself, now he is sick. Look at all the medical problems he has, don’t be so hard on him. The other part of me is saying what you did made me so mad. As I said he seemed to be alright, and he took his afternoon nap. It was fifteen minutes before the caregiver was to come for his shower. This was her last day. I went to his room and woke him up telling him it was almost time. She arrived and the shower was given. They both came out to the living room afterwards and all of a sudden, out of the blue, he starts crying, and I mean really crying. She and I didn’t know what to think. Our questions started coming trying to find out what was going on. He kept saying it was personal. What? Personal, that he was in pain. I thought pain in the body? What kind of pain? He said he shouldn’t say because it hurt so bad. I was getting a little nervous, since the caregiver had just pointed out to me that his fingers were very pale looking. He finally says that Satan is bugging him. I thought, oh no! not this again! Then he opens his mouth and the whole ugly story comes out. He was telling her that I was cussing at him this morning, and that I was being mean to him. I told him I never cussed at him and I didn’t even raise my voice. He went on and on about how mean I was and that I owed him an apology for hurting him so bad. Hurting him? Oh, you mean emotional hurting him. Alright. He was letting her know without actually telling her what we had discussed this morning about women and disrespect towards women. She had no idea what was going on, but then I was beginning to get steamed. The caregiver was asking him if he would feel better if I apologized to him, and he shook his head yes. I said instantly, I am not going to apologize. I did nothing wrong, and I don’t feel any different about it now then I did this morning, and actually I had forgotten about it all the time, but obviously, he had not. My brother who is mildly mentally challenged had this all planned out to make me look like a bad-ass in front of her. He wanted his pay back. After all I do for him, he wanted to pay me back. I told him I was going to walk her outside and I left him sitting there with his snotty nose and his tears. Outside I briefly told her as little as possible, since she was not coming back anymore, so she would understand why I wasn’t going to apologize to him. She understood then. I went back inside, and he had disappeared to his room. I called his name three times and he ignored me totally. I marched myself in there, and I told him I knew exactly what he was doing, and I wasn’t playing into it. He could just sit in his room the rest of his night and sulk if he chose. He said nothing. I ordered a pizza, and it has just come. Guess who is walking out of their bedroom now?

oops

oops (Photo credit: macwagen)

46 thoughts on “He Crossed The Line

  1. Something beautiful – something good,
    All my confusion – He understood.
    All I have to offer Him – is brokeness and strife,
    But He made something beautiful of my life.

    It appears Al has pulled one over on you and got you in a dither. I personally think you handled it very well, even though you are mad enough to spit nails. I remember when I got my mother so mad once, when I was just a kid around 10, that she threatened to rip my arm off and jump down my throat and tetter on my wish bone. Somehow we lived through it, I think it has something to do with love.
    Keep a stiff upper lip my friend, it will get better.

    Always,

    Ed

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  2. I went through the same thing with Dave only it was his drug paraphernalia. I let him keep it because by then he was too shaky to use it. And besides that, I figured he might drive me to illegal drug use and they’d be right at hand.

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  3. I’m sorry that this day turned into a nightmare for you Terry, and I think you had the right to be angry. The things we go through as caregivers aren’t always blessings, and more than often are nightmares for us. I went through many times of dealing with this type of stuff with my father-in-law. I made a habit of calling my husband the minute his dad started in, and putting him on the phone to deal with his dad. Yet I can’t tell you the accusations I faced from things he said to my sister-in-law, because he was upset that my husband finally saw how bad he was getting and the strain it was putting on my health, and so he sent his father to be cared for by his sister who is a nurse. She has a habit of treating her sister-in-laws like dirt anyway, and his lies spurred on by his dementia and alzheimers just gave her more to cause trouble with. She wouldn’t even believe the 5 different nurses that came in each day to work with her father. We haven’t had a stress free holiday with her in attendance since we moved into our house 6 years ago, so we pretty much don’t have ones with her now, because her attitudes and false accusations put a big split between my husband and herself because he wouldn’t put up with her bullying others. Anyway, you did what you should have, and Al will have to find that he can’t pull that on you. The more you hold your ground as his caregiver the more he’ll grow to understand that his tantrums won’t work. Unfortunately he may be an adult, but often those with dementia and other similar things are more like dealing with the terrible twos. Maybe it would help to explain to him that the things he looks at and certain actions are like giving the devil a foothold in our lives.

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    • you know what For? i actually thought of that later on, that i was dealing with a man child, throwing a temper tantrum, playing like mom against dad kind of thing? i hate it that family members can go through such trials. i look at my family that is all gone now but Al and me, and I would give anything to talk only one more time. may God work in your family, Amen

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      • I feel the same way about family. My husband and I bought the house we did to be able to have family gatherings. We actually love having family, but we also have to think about Jk and exposing her to people who treat others with such disrespect. It scares her when people act violently, or when they bully in any way. The 3 of us are really calm and quiet for the most part, except when my husband and Jk are playing the Wii and competing, or when Jk gets excited about something. We don’t argue or fight hardly at all, We do laugh alot. But we both worked in jobs that had a great deal of noise and so we tend to like the quiet. When someone comes into the home and causes anger and stress, the 3 of us just feel overwhelmed and just want to be back to the 3 of us only again. We still have to see his sister for family events, but now hotels are involved so we get a break from her angry bullying attitude. What is funny is Don and his brother are both quiet people, who do not like confrontation if they can help it, but their sister is at the other end of the scale. The 2 guys say she is that way because she was spoiled by their mom, a little beauty queen contestant, and all she had to do was throw a fit to get her way, and she still uses that when she wants things her way. I’ve had 5 daughters and I didn’t let them pull the same things, and I’m not about to start now…lol.

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  4. Awesome, Terry!! Whew, girl!! Manipulation and deceit are sins…you weren’t wrong. You handled it very well. Al was probably embarrassed, and wanted to spread a little of it around.. ๐Ÿ™‚ Been there, done that.it seems to be a man thing….many, many times. Except, a clean conscience doesn’t lend itself to this nonsense. You told him your position, you showed real emotions, and treated him like an adult with some power to rattle you, and now you’ve vented. Forgive him, and smile tonight when you go to bed. You won this war…You little Warrior, you!!!!

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    • he told me Bird, that satan came to him tonight after supper, and said to him……congratulations, i got you in trouble……………what do u think? this was after supper, caregiver was gone, supper over and he was calm. i walked into check on him about an hour ago, and he looked up at me and said this

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      • It sounds like Al really would like to blame his bad behavior on anyone but himself. Another pretty devious trick from satan, but I doubt he actually took credit to Al…Just from my limited perspective, satan uses Al to attack you the way he uses Chef to attack me…and they both always try to rationalize with themselves and us how it wasn’t really their own fault..Tsk.Tsk. It is a common little ploy that I’m sure we all have fallen for at one time or another. Here’s my advice, for what it is worth. Direct all that anger and resentment that you justifiably feel right now towards satan..It was a worthy attack…Ask God to give you His peace, and then when you think the time is right, and Al can honestly and truly understand what you are saying, mention to him that even if satan suggested he should look at women with lust, the minute Al did it, Al was responsible for that sin, and satan was only doing what we were told he would do. Trying to say, the devil made me do it, holds NO water with our Lord and Savior. Mention to him that you think that the two of you are becoming more dangerous to satan’s plans, and ask him what he thinks the two of you should do when you guys feel his attacks coming on. This is a grown up, Christian conversation, and he’ll either completely be annoyed that you didn’t fall for this ploy either, or he’ll agree with you as a Christian, and together you will be able to encourage one another. But no matter what, leave it at that. Al knows God well enough to know this is of the flesh and not the spirit, and he will answer to his God, not any of us. But you can’t allow that stuff in your home, and so you pay attention for satan slipping it in..it seems to be a weakness of most men’s, and of Al’s. I think you are doing just fine with all of this. Satan is skilled at this garbage…But you have Jesus, and that trumps satan at every turn. I love you, Terry!!

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      • thank you Bird. I truly felt that Al may not have even had satan visit him, that he was feeling his own guilt and trying to pass it off. you are so good at helping me. i will have a talk with SATAN tonight when i am alone. thanks my friend for this help

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      • I’m always here for you, Terry. Just remember to always check with God about my advice…I give it honestly and with the best of intentions, but only you, Al, and God are ever present for the things I read, so it is possible I can misread something. I don’t want to ever cause you or Al to stumble. But it is odd how the attacks launched at you tend to resemble the same ones being launched at me.. It is quite a coincidence, don’t you think???

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      • you were my first. something drew me to you blog and never let me escape it. maybe we are sisters from another time. i have noticed that some of your blogs resemble our or my life here at home. who really knows……..all i know is that although i kid a lot about u being my first, there is a connection and it is nice to me. i don’t even know you in reality,but yet i feel like i know your heart

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      • I simply do not agree at all you shouldn’t have gotten angry. I didn’t read in even one spot where your anger got away from you. And if you put on a sunshine face through everything, what are you telling Al? First, you are a doormat for him to basically wipe his feet on. Second, how awful must it feel when he has fake smiles and insincere apologies, probably after purposely trying to shake things up a bit. We all feel like that sometimes….He always comes across to me like a guy who would genuinely like to be taken seriously, as an adult, once in awhile, and three) does God has a different set of rules for Al??? He doesn’t. Yes, he is handled differently by God I imagine than I would be, given his limitations now, but God hates sin…period, and it looks to me like you were directed to this stash because it needed to be addressed..Whatever Al is able to feel shame for, it would seem to me he would know was wrong. No. I think God will turn this little skirmish into something good.. ๐Ÿ™‚

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      • thank you my friend. you are right. if i let Al believe that life is a bowl of cherries, what am i teaching him? if i let him believe that he can not hurt me emotionally, how does he learn how to grow? i have treated him like he is a child, whom i should protect, and i should to a point, but he is also real, his thinking different than ours, but yet similar. he needs to know the rules in life just as we do

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  5. Okay, now I see! He is a booger isn’t he?! lol, ya gotta laugh or you’ll be crying too ๐Ÿ™‚ Hey, by the way, I decided to add a page to my blog that gives all those links I was talking about with you earlier; so here’s a link to that: http://terri0729.wordpress.com/places-i-link-to/ and you can find it all ther! Just click a link and check it out. If it appeals to you, then enter one of their challenges/prompts and they will start e-mailing them to you each week a new one comes out. hugs, Terri

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  6. You handled a difficult situation in a respectful and calm manner, When Al tried to turn the tables you remained consistent. You gave him factual reasons for your guidance and decisions. What more can you do? He (as everyone) needs to respect your feelings and choices.

    Just remember, although he tried to get one over on you despite all you do, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love or appreciate you. He just wanted his own way.

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  7. Some may see this as mean, but I would most likely make him apologize to me before eating!! But that’s just me. I think you deal with a TON of stress on a daily basis that anyone not in a similar situation will never fully understand. You know best how to deal with anything related to your brother, and it appears to me that you are doing an excellent job of caring for him!
    Honestly, his actions sound to me like the behavior of a disgruntled pre-teen! I know I would have been angry enough myself to spit nails!! Sounds like you handled the situation very well.

    I will be praying for you and Al.

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      • I know it is probably next to impossible, but you should try to find some time to get away to yourself, even if it is just an hour or two at the park, BY YOUR SELF!! You need some “recharge” time, a chance to just be, rather than have to be something for someone. You have to be really careful about not getting yourself burned out! It happens to everyone so easily and usually before we know it. Try to do something each day, even if it is just a trip to the back yard with a cup of coffee or tea and you sit and watch the birds for half an hour, something just for you!
        (and call me Judy, ๐Ÿ™‚ )

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      • i need a break also. i sometimes feel weak for admitting this. now that you have said this, i am going to go out and sit on my swing. better than being inside the stuffy house. thank you Judy!

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  8. Terry, good for you for that stood your ground and didnโ€™t give in to his sobbing. You have nothing to apologize and for or to – you havenโ€™t done anything wrong. You have done too much. Both Al and the carehelper crossed the line. *smile Only to suggest that you should apologize just Al will feel better.

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    • thank u for understanding my side Viveka. there are always two sides of every story. i try to do what is right, but sometimes i feel his crying is a poor me effect, i got in trouble, just as a child

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  9. Pingback: Life Is Beautiful « My Pathetic Attempts At Love

  10. I think it’s amazing that you can vent out your frustrations safely via blog instead of bottling it up inside or booming it out loud as it’s a different frame of mind that he’s in, and here you be, having to work in multiple frames all the time. This shows the complexity in caregiving, a thankless job, with many rewards with God. Hang in there! ๐Ÿ˜€

    Pink.

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      • Hmm… I’m sure you have forgotten, verily there must be LOADS you can do. An hour or more set aside for yourself, even a bucket of things that remind you of how amazing you are, even when you don’t feel like it. For some, walking helps, but often I find, blogging and reading other blogs really lifts me up. And oh yes, playing Angry Birds. ๐Ÿ˜€

        Pink.

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