Daily Archives: May 19, 2012
These Four Walls
Have you ever got so upset, and let someone else’s words hit you when you could have left it slide off your back? Do you ever think that the people who will support you the most emotionally are your family? I am guilty of this right now. I had no intentions of writing a second blog today, you all put up with enough of me in one blog a day. I had such a nice morning. I got up quite a bit earlier than Al. I had time to sit here and drink two cups of coffee and write a blog before he ever rose from slumber. It was like being in a second heaven. Now I have my nerves dancing in my middle, and I have made two trips to the bathroom already from nerves. I have a slight pain in my neck from stress, and I have smoked more than I usually do. Al got up, and was quiet. Sometimes this irritates the crap out of me. Don’t ask me why, I have never analyzed a lot of my feelings. Maybe some day when I have enough time for myself, I can do this. He didn’t respond with a hello, or anything. Maybe I am a figment of my own imagination. So he goes about his routine of fixing his breakfast, and doing his morning things. I had an errand to run so he knew that we would be leaving soon. Before we left, family texted me to see if I was home. I thought maybe they were going to come down and redo my bathroom floor. It has been emptied out now for a few days waiting to be done. Family did show up soon after. I don’t know what they wanted as they stormed out of my house before I could find out. It is a common thing here in our house. Al ignores me all the time. I am the devil in his eyes. I want to believe that he loves me, but he doesn’t really. In his eyes, I am his mean father, the one who was mad at him constantly, depleted his confidence in himself, ignored him. This is who Al sees in my every day. You can not imagine how it rips me a part and twist my emotions realizing that I could place him at any time in a facility, that I know he is my brother, my flesh and blood, that he and I had never bonded when we should have as children. He was the special needs boy and I was going to be alright. I put myself out for him every moment of the day, placing his needs above mine. Don’t get me wrong at all, I love caring for my brother, but I could have chosen the easy path, and had a better life for myself. I have had to put up with a lot. Lies, stealing, hitting me, threatening me, many trips to hospitals, psyche units, doctors upon doctors, caregivers. Just seeing what I have written makes me tired. I am able to do all of this because of my love for him and God’s help. The ignoring me, pretending I don’t exist, sometimes making me feel like I am inhuman is the worst. If we have any company, family or friend or stranger, Al is right out here. Ready to be in the conversations, say a good joke, make sexual remarks, make adult remarks, tell anything and everything that goes on inside these four walls. The conversations we had yesterday about the way you talk and treat ladies, was brought out in the open as soon as family got here. I looked straight in his eyes, and said not now. He argued. I raised my voice a tiny bit, and said firmly, I don’t want to talk about this now because it is private and others are here. He continued to argue, starting his crying routine. It made me mad that he was pulling this crap again, in front of others. Maybe I am selfish, but I would like to have family here and be able to pick and choose conversations, to be able to decide what atmosphere would surround us. I don’t like someone barging in and demanding to take over. I finally pointed my finger at him and said, go to your room. You are arguing and I asked you to save the talk, and you are not hearing me. My family got up and stormed out, but didn’t leave without telling me what a mean person I am, and that I have no gentleness in caring for my brother. I wanted to scream. I wanted to pick up rocks and start throwing them. I wanted to run after them and push them down on the ground. I think that all of my frustrations that build up each day, and the fact that I have always believed that I give and give of myself, all came to a screaming halt. I wanted to defend those remarks, to say I am a good girl. This goes way back in time, when my sister was born. I always heard how mom HAD to come into a ready made family. I always heard how she only had one daughter. I did so much in my life to prove to my parents that I was worthy of loving. This is making me choke up as I write this. This is probably the most painful thing I carry in my heart. I have lived my life trying to please others. Begging to be heard, to hear the words I love you. One time when I was 18, I moved out of the house. I know my parents were upset about it, but I thought I knew it all, but when my mom told me she could never love me as much as she did her own daughter, I carried that pain with me for the rest of my life. I realized than, in that moment, that I could do all the work around the house, make suppers, and it would never be enough. This is the lesson I learned, this is the only thing that stuck with me, I was never going to be good enough. So when my family let me know this morning that I am not good enough or kind enough to care for my brother, that maybe I should consider getting a REAL job, the memories and the pains came racing back to me. This has caused the domino effect. Twisted stomach, temporary depression, feelings of never being wanted, trips to the bathroom. I sit here now in a low state of mind, knowing God will pull me up once again, but until I get there, I am in emotional pain. All from one’s point of view, who has never cared for my brother, or who has never stayed with him, and the saddest part, is no one, unless you do what I do day after day, really knows what goes on behind these four walls.
Together, You And I
Being a part of the blogging world for nine weeks now has made me see how small most of my problems are in life. I used to think that I had the worst life of anyone. I have a step-sister, that I don’t think I have mentioned, and if I have it is a rare thing. She is totally opposite of me. She was born when I was ten, so there is quite a big difference in age. She is into things I have never been around, and I don’t party, where that is her main life, but she is a half-sister, so she is family. I have read where some of you bloggers also struggle with acceptance and rivalries with siblings also. When I was growing up, I watched the top shows in my life. Leave It To Beaver, I Dream of Jeannie. The corny shows, no swearing, no guns, just comedy, laughter and fun. I knew that this was the kind of life that I wanted to have. I wanted a Leave It To Beaver family. I think I had it for some years when I was first married. The children were born, husband worked at a very respectable job. I was a housewife. I had a best friend that had remained from seventh grade all the way to my ripe old age of 36. I didn’t attend church much. Oh we went sometimes, but mainly when there was a special event, like Mother’s Day dinners, where mom would get tickets and asked my daughter and I to go. I lived in a fairy tale dream. There is no Leave It To Beaver families anymore. If there are, I have not met them. From some of the blogs here, I have discovered that I am not the only one divorced. I have learned that husbands and wives can and do cheat on each other. We are even entertained by obnoxious shows like Jerry Springer, just to help remind us of the craziness we all live in. I hate the show myself, but I will admit, it can be entertaining, and provide a good laugh, if you are having a depressing day. My mother used to tell me that there was no such thing as depression. She said it was not accepting our lives for what they truly are, and wishing for something different. She told me that if I was depressed, I should dig more in my bible, and get my rear end to church. Mom was a strong woman, who lived through her Bible. Her views on life were simple. Believe in God, and all falls into place.The other thing that irritated her was the talk shows where there was always a psychiatrist available. She thought this was a rip-off of people’s monies. She would state to me, if you need help, read your Bible and pray for healing. Today, years later, I realize that she had a solid look at life. Our family was no different from mine now, or yours. We live in different states, have different cultures, causing us to do things a certain way, but, we are very similar. Did I want to be a rich person? No, not really. Food on the table, and bills paid, was always my motto. I see where Donna Summer passed away, and of course it was the same for her as Whitney Houston and all quite a few other rich folks. Money, sex, and drugs. Why in the world would you want to be famous? So you can fit in, be popular, be photographed, live in a mansion. Maybe the cheating attracts them,being needed and desired? Enjoying such a short life, as drugs are introduced, so that you can stay awake during all of your travels, cure insomnia, calm the nerves, and die early? No, I don’t want this life that they have. I don’t care if I am seen on TV or not. They also have the same problems we do, just magnified. I have found a few ladies on the blog site here that I wish were my sisters, for real. Their love of life, compassion for others, the involvements with their children’s lives, is what draws me to them. I have even went to the next step, and have actually spoken to one of these ladies over the telephone now. This puts a closer connection for me now, as there is a reality of the other person being real, not just a blogger. Wouldn’t it be nice if we could pick up the phone and talk to each other also, or does that invade on the privacy issue, for fear if we knew each other through a voice, we may not be able to blog about our fears any longer. Some of us, including me, blog about personal things, realizing that no one is ever going to really know us in person, so it is safe to blog about anything we wish. I have thought about my blogs and the things I say about Al and me. Everything I have ever written about our family has been truth, and yet when I actually spoke to a live blogger, I suddenly realized they could see my failures. I am a failure in my eyes as far as my looks. I always wanted to be a skinny Minnie girl who men wanted to gaze at but I am not. I don’t think God wants us all to be skinny. He just wants us to love him and love ourselves, and to be a healthy home for him to live in. Yes, I have learned much from bloggers. I have my struggles, just like you do. Mine is different from yours but similar. Always about life, love, acceptance and rejection. I don’t feel so bad anymore. I have a community that loves or at least respects my life I live. I have children that love me. I have God in my life, who is there anytime, if I just reach out to him first. What more could I wish for? Nothing. We bloggers are all leading lives that lead us down one of two paths. We either are striving to end up sitting beside the good Lord in the end, or we aren’t. That sounds pretty simple doesn’t it? It is a proven fact that the closer we walk towards God, the more tribulations we are dealt with daily. Being a Godly person is not easy. It is filled with decisions and rejections and battles, but in the end the price of going through the wars is peace. We are all striving to have this aren’t we? We all want our battles ended with peace. We are all different, unique, live in different areas, but we are all similar, We all want peace, and acceptance and to be loved. We have this, right in front of us. A lot of us will see each other one day. We may not recognize each other as that blogger on WordPress, but we will recognize each other as brothers and sisters.