More To Me Than Writing

Posted on June 4, 2012 by Who I am

Writer Wordart (Photo credit: MarkGregory007)

I can not believe I am sitting here crying. No, not this time over Al, but for a blogger friend, Mona.

When I started blogging, I thought only of myself. The situation I was in, with no one to speak to about my feelings, my frustrations. I felt so alone and many times unloved, just doing a job, which I thought no one even cared if I did it or not.

As time went by, I started meeting people. I was so excited that people were clicking on my stories. It went from one click three months ago, to over 23,000 today. I know it isn’t the numbers that matter, but for me, the numbers mean people, and people mean someone is out there. I am not alone. When comments started to arrive, I felt like I was communicating with someone who could understand not only what I was going through, but we were beginning to become friends. To me, cyber friends is just as important as having a real friend in life, that I can see and touch. I can see your words. I can feel your pain, and happiness. I can feel you reaching out to me.

I didn’t realize until this very moment how important you have become in my life. I didn’t see what was building here. Not only clicks, and comments, but the real thing was friendship. You have shown me that I matter. You have shown me that I am more than a caregiver for Al, that I am a person, a human, deserving to have feelings, and thoughts.

I don’t want the changes to happen. I want to keep all of my friends on here, but change does have to happen. It is a part of life.

I just wanted you to know, that you are more than blogger friends to me, you are reality to me, humans to me, and friends, that I treasure.

I love who you are Mona, and I respect your need for change.

I dedicate this blog to one I respect so much. Mona.

http://monagustafsonaffinito.com

She Is Beautiful

Posted on June 4, 2012 by Who I am

This is another photo that I took last night on my walk. She sat still for me just long enough to capture her beauty.

Resting gently on this tiny leaf

This beautiful butterfly caught my eye

Sun bouncing from its wings

I caught this shot, before she began to fly.

I walked up slowly

Not wanting to scare her away

I had my camera ready and aimed

Please praying for her to stay.

She seemed to know what I was doing

As she made no attempt to leave

She spread her wings so wide for me

As if caught in a spider’s weave.

I got up even closer still

And could see all her splendor

I snapped this photo for you to see

How beautiful, delicate and tender.

Photo by Terry Shepherd

Written by Terry Shepherd

06/04/12

Link

From Morning Until Noon

Posted on June 4, 2012 by Who I am

My name is Will or Policeman as (arresting) model (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I felt a sense of genuine loneliness when I awoke this morning. I

dramatic dream (Photo credit: unNickrMe)

had a dream, and it was only the last part, as I was coming around that I remembered. I had met a nice policeman, who was also single. He liked Al very much. He came to the house and we spent quality time together, along with him fixing things I needed fixed here. The way he and Al got along was more than to my wildest dreams, and then I woke up.

I actually laid there in bed, not wanting to face the day. My heart ripped open for the realization of my dream not being real.

I know my responsibilities though, and forced myself to move forward. I started Al’s breakfast, making fried potatoes, eggs and toast for him. He was out of frozen breakfast items, so I needed to be a fill in cook for this meal.

His caregiver came by and his shower was given. He came out of the bathroom crying. Last night we had another session of going over his fear of dying. No Satan, no God, just fear of death. I took Ed’s advice,a blogger friend on WordPress, and I opened Al’s Bible and found different verses of what heaven would be like. I read to him and marked three for him to look at later by himself, as he needed comfort. I read how all of his pains will be gone. I told him how we would be able to have all of his tremors leave. Heaven was a wonderful place, that there was nothing to fear. After an hour-long discussion, he seemed settled down and the tears and questions stopped, only to start again this morning.

I really miss the other caregiver we had for so long. She was very compassionate and took the time with Al to sit and hold his hand or comfort him with her words. She always left behind a smile on Al’s face when she walked out the door. This new caregiver is here to do a job, a shower. There is not much interaction other than business related.

Soon, I got the tears to stop and we went to the grocery store. It was that time again. It went very well. Al rode the scooter, and watched people pass by. I was able to concentrate quite a bit better, even though the final grocery bill didn’t show it. We were in the store about an hour and then we checked out.

On our way out the door, I asked Al, where did we park the car? Usually, I make a mental note to myself, so I do not feel foolish wandering about the parking lot, but today, I did forget this valuable notation. Al thought we had parked in this one row so we headed down it, but no car. I tried the next row, no car. I was getting a little worried, because Al’s knees were starting to buckle, and I knew he could not stand much longer. I cursed myself for not having him ride the scooter all the way to the car, but it was too late now. I kept him in place and I went looking through the rows. Where was that stupid car?

An employee on her way in to go to work, stopped and must have seen the worry on my face. She asked if she could help me. I laughed out loud, and told her I was looking for our car. She glanced at Al and immediately went back to her car and drove it up to Al and helped him climb in her front seat. Oh wow, what a nice lady! She sat with him while I searched for the car, finding it two more aisles over. She drove him to it, and while I unloaded the groceries, she helped him get into the front seat and buckled him in. She tried to make me feel better by telling me she has also done this before, forgot where she had parked. I thanked her and told her how much I appreciated her help. Sometime before this day is over, I will ask God to bless her for the help she brought to me. Al didn’t fall, and I found our car.

Al is still not feeling well, but he did eat his lunch I have just prepared, but I have noticed that he is lying down now. His legs hurt. He is tired of the tremors. His body is exhausted. Going to the grocery store is hard on him. Actually, every movement he makes is exhausting for him. He is losing sleep because of the tremors, and is starting to doze off more through the days. I hope the rest of the day is better for him. I want to see one smile before he goes to bed tonight.