I Can See The End Nearing

English: A Dairy Queen location in Moncton

English: A Dairy Queen location in Moncton (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Today was a busy day for me. I really don’t like these kind of days. I think because my mind is so boggled most of the time, that it does not want to have to be in the go mode.

I had called the caregiver yesterday afternoon, to see if there was any way she could come this morning a half hour earlier. Al had two doctor appointments this morning. One was his heart doctor, for his CAD, and the other was for the Podiatrist, to get his nails trimmed.

I jumped out of bed this morning, and got into the shower. I decided since it was nice and warm with some humidity, I would wear a skirt and a blouse. You know, just something that would make me feel a bit cheerier from last night. I took my time and actually put a little make-up on, and blow dried my hair. By the time the caregiver arrived, I was ready and sitting here at the computer drinking my tall cup of coffee.

I was getting something out of the refrigerator to drink while Al was taking his shower. I noticed the two appointment cards hanging on the front of the refrigerator, and looked at them closer. I had made an error. I had called the caregiver and had gotten all dolled up for nothing. The two appointments are for tomorrow morning. Oh wow, what a dumb dumb I was. I laughed out loud as I told the caregiver my mistake I had made. Al looked at me like I was crazy and the caregiver just laughed, saying well you look nice now for the day. Thanks caregiver for trying to laugh off my mistake. It worked, we all had a good laugh.

My contract was up on my cell phone, so I took the opportunity to go to the new cell phone store and get a new phone with a new company. The salesman tried very hard to talk me into a more expensive phone and plan, but he wasn’t good enough. I stuck to my guns, and got what I needed not what he wanted. I get tired of filling other people’s pockets at my expense sometimes.

After leaving there we stopped at Al’s favorite place for lunch, then I had an appointment for a recall on my car, so we  took it to the dealer to get the recall parts replaced. When we finally reached home, it was almost two thirty.

I was exhausted, Al was tired, and we were both hot. We came into the house and he got something to drink and went to his room, and I pulled out the information on my phone and read it and started playing with the phone to get to know it. I then tried to set up an online account but had trouble with passwords and right web pages. I finally gave up and called the company. They walked me through it over the phone and all is done now.

As I am on the phone with the company, I was having trouble hearing the representative. I should not say, trouble hearing, it was more to the point, trouble understanding. I don’t think the rep had lived here in our lands too long, because she struggled with her words, and I had to keep repeating the same words, I am sorry, I can’t understand what you are saying to me.

While I was on the phone, my family members came down, and of course they were able to hear the conversation only on my side. After the phone call had ended, I heard how rude I was and how I thought I was better than anyone else.

I think because of the last twenty-four hours I have went through with Al, was the reason, I just broke down in tears. I had a big pity party and the only invitation that sent out was for me. I was so crushed to hear these words, as I always felt in my heart, that I am a loving, and compassionate woman. I always feel like I go above and beyond for others in my life. To me, this was another blow on top of Al’s incident I blogged about early today.

From there matters just got worse. It seemed like, no not seemed, it was no matter what I said, I was reprimanded for it. I felt like a child, a bad girl, a bad mom, anything and everything I could feel, I was feeling it for tonight. I tried defending myself, but it did no good.

I sat in silence, but as the silence grew, I began to get angry and then I got mad. I thought back to when our parents were alive and how they would have reacted if one of us, their children, would have been so disrespectful to a mom or a dad. My parents would not have allowed it even for one moment. I would have been punished.

You can not do this to your grown children. You have to suck it up and brush your shoulder off, and pray for them. This is what I did. I stood up and right there in that spot, I prayed for him.

I think back to Al and the incident at the Dairy Queen. I had taken  him for supper there tonight, because I was too tired to cook. He is a very slow eater, and this is alright. I have grown used to it. He had the small sundae, for his dessert, and when he tried to eat it, he could not. He could get the spoon in the ice-cream, but he was too weak to dip the ice-cream into the spoon. He tried and tried and then with tears flowing, he said to me, I can’t do it, please help me. I sat there in the restaurant, and my tears came unexpectedly. I had no control over them. I didn’t sob like a big baby, but they flowed gently, as I knew how hard it was for Al to ask for this help, and for me to have to once again be shattered by the truth, that what I thought may be happening, is happening. The weakness is getting worse and worse. I fed him his ice-cream, and we both cried.

So as I look back on the day now that it is almost over, I look at my brother who finds it hard to open his mouth to ask for help, and I look at my family who has no trouble opening their mouth, and I weep at the differences that two people can  have that all come from the same family.

I am tired tonight, but I am strong. I take a deep breath and I thank God, for him getting me through this day. I thank my children and Al for helping me to stand a little bit taller tonight. For what they do not realize, is the more I am hurt, and tired, and worn, there is strength building from God on the inside and I shall once again hold my head high in the end.

I know my time is drawing near with my brother, and I already know I will cry many tears when I have to give him up to another person’s care, but I have lived this. I have experienced with Al, what he goes through, and all of his feelings. I have learned how to carry many responsibilities that usually a couple do together in a house hold. I am learning that God does carry me through and he will until the day I pass this life over. I can do nothing without God, he is proving this to me each and every day. I will have wonderful and also sad memories once this chapter is over of my life. It has all been worth it. I did the best that I could.

Torn Heart

Feeling down feeling low

I am the target today

I feel like I am spinning out of control

My powers all taken away.

My age has no matter

My wisdom be gone

You think I have no mind at all

My smiles you have turned upside down.

You believe you are all so wise

But I guarantee that you’re not

You have belittled me enough

You disrespectful little snot.

Now you have left  me ever so tired

Too weak to do a thing

No thoughts, no tears, come from within

No songs no hums to change this swing.

When you were only a small young child

The love I had would never part

Now you are grown and it only seems

You are here to break my heart.

I never dreamed it would be this way

I can remember  the day you were born

I held you in my arms with joy and love

And now my heart is torn.

One day my child I will be gone

No more love to share

You will look back at these days

And wish you could go back and repair.

Now you have children of your own

Please treat them with respect and love

And hope that when they have completely grown

They don’t turn on you like you did to your one above.


Terry Shepherd

English: Broken Heart symbol

English: Broken Heart symbol (Photo credit: Wikipedia)