I Can See The End Nearing


English: A Dairy Queen location in Moncton

English: A Dairy Queen location in Moncton (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Today was a busy day for me. I really don’t like these kind of days. I think because my mind is so boggled most of the time, that it does not want to have to be in the go mode.

I had called the caregiver yesterday afternoon, to see if there was any way she could come this morning a half hour earlier. Al had two doctor appointments this morning. One was his heart doctor, for his CAD, and the other was for the Podiatrist, to get his nails trimmed.

I jumped out of bed this morning, and got into the shower. I decided since it was nice and warm with some humidity, I would wear a skirt and a blouse. You know, just something that would make me feel a bit cheerier from last night. I took my time and actually put a little make-up on, and blow dried my hair. By the time the caregiver arrived, I was ready and sitting here at the computer drinking my tall cup of coffee.

I was getting something out of the refrigerator to drink while Al was taking his shower. I noticed the two appointment cards hanging on the front of the refrigerator, and looked at them closer. I had made an error. I had called the caregiver and had gotten all dolled up for nothing. The two appointments are for tomorrow morning. Oh wow, what a dumb dumb I was. I laughed out loud as I told the caregiver my mistake I had made. Al looked at me like I was crazy and the caregiver just laughed, saying well you look nice now for the day. Thanks caregiver for trying to laugh off my mistake. It worked, we all had a good laugh.

My contract was up on my cell phone, so I took the opportunity to go to the new cell phone store and get a new phone with a new company. The salesman tried very hard to talk me into a more expensive phone and plan, but he wasn’t good enough. I stuck to my guns, and got what I needed not what he wanted. I get tired of filling other people’s pockets at my expense sometimes.

After leaving there we stopped at Al’s favorite place for lunch, then I had an appointment for a recall on my car, so we  took it to the dealer to get the recall parts replaced. When we finally reached home, it was almost two thirty.

I was exhausted, Al was tired, and we were both hot. We came into the house and he got something to drink and went to his room, and I pulled out the information on my phone and read it and started playing with the phone to get to know it. I then tried to set up an online account but had trouble with passwords and right web pages. I finally gave up and called the company. They walked me through it over the phone and all is done now.

As I am on the phone with the company, I was having trouble hearing the representative. I should not say, trouble hearing, it was more to the point, trouble understanding. I don’t think the rep had lived here in our lands too long, because she struggled with her words, and I had to keep repeating the same words, I am sorry, I can’t understand what you are saying to me.

While I was on the phone, my family members came down, and of course they were able to hear the conversation only on my side. After the phone call had ended, I heard how rude I was and how I thought I was better than anyone else.

I think because of the last twenty-four hours I have went through with Al, was the reason, I just broke down in tears. I had a big pity party and the only invitation that sent out was for me. I was so crushed to hear these words, as I always felt in my heart, that I am a loving, and compassionate woman. I always feel like I go above and beyond for others in my life. To me, this was another blow on top of Al’s incident I blogged about early today.

From there matters just got worse. It seemed like, no not seemed, it was no matter what I said, I was reprimanded for it. I felt like a child, a bad girl, a bad mom, anything and everything I could feel, I was feeling it for tonight. I tried defending myself, but it did no good.

I sat in silence, but as the silence grew, I began to get angry and then I got mad. I thought back to when our parents were alive and how they would have reacted if one of us, their children, would have been so disrespectful to a mom or a dad. My parents would not have allowed it even for one moment. I would have been punished.

You can not do this to your grown children. You have to suck it up and brush your shoulder off, and pray for them. This is what I did. I stood up and right there in that spot, I prayed for him.

I think back to Al and the incident at the Dairy Queen. I had taken  him for supper there tonight, because I was too tired to cook. He is a very slow eater, and this is alright. I have grown used to it. He had the small sundae, for his dessert, and when he tried to eat it, he could not. He could get the spoon in the ice-cream, but he was too weak to dip the ice-cream into the spoon. He tried and tried and then with tears flowing, he said to me, I can’t do it, please help me. I sat there in the restaurant, and my tears came unexpectedly. I had no control over them. I didn’t sob like a big baby, but they flowed gently, as I knew how hard it was for Al to ask for this help, and for me to have to once again be shattered by the truth, that what I thought may be happening, is happening. The weakness is getting worse and worse. I fed him his ice-cream, and we both cried.

So as I look back on the day now that it is almost over, I look at my brother who finds it hard to open his mouth to ask for help, and I look at my family who has no trouble opening their mouth, and I weep at the differences that two people can  have that all come from the same family.

I am tired tonight, but I am strong. I take a deep breath and I thank God, for him getting me through this day. I thank my children and Al for helping me to stand a little bit taller tonight. For what they do not realize, is the more I am hurt, and tired, and worn, there is strength building from God on the inside and I shall once again hold my head high in the end.

I know my time is drawing near with my brother, and I already know I will cry many tears when I have to give him up to another person’s care, but I have lived this. I have experienced with Al, what he goes through, and all of his feelings. I have learned how to carry many responsibilities that usually a couple do together in a house hold. I am learning that God does carry me through and he will until the day I pass this life over. I can do nothing without God, he is proving this to me each and every day. I will have wonderful and also sad memories once this chapter is over of my life. It has all been worth it. I did the best that I could.

28 thoughts on “I Can See The End Nearing

  1. Don’t you love those children who think they are the parent because you are old to them? I get the same thing even from Jk at times. You know what I tell them. You want to run my life…make something of your own first and show me through your example.

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      • Feel free…lol. Unfortunately for my daughters, I was the youngest girl raised among all the boys in the family, so I learned to be quite a smart-aleck when it came to dealing with others. The bad thing is that sometimes I have to stop and control it because it can be quite hurtful to others at times…lol. Mom sent me to Charm School in 7th grade to get me to act more like a girl than my brothers. It worked for the most part except my smart mouth…lol.

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  2. I love you, Terry. I admire your strength and perseverance, and by that I mean all of you – the humor, the compassion, the tears, the anger, and everything in between. The insensitive comments are simply and expression for people’s ignorance. You did great and I am proud of you. You handled a difficult and what must have been a maddening frustrating situation with grace.

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  3. God bless you, angel Terry. You get put through the wringer, I tell ya. That you were able to pray for those that were not being respectful to you is just more evidence of His strength and love and grace being poured out in you and through you! love and prayers!

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  4. Yes, the time looks to be drawing near, but you need to remember he will be happier where there in no pain. God bless you Terry, we have you and the family in our prayers.

    Ed

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  5. Terry, you’re some special soul and heart – the power and strength you have in you are amazing – it can move mountains, even it it can change Al’s situation. Admire you so much.

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  6. Terry…you have been everything to and for Al…to the detriment now of your physical and emotional well-being…but his needs are growing greater and I believe that both of you would be better if others trained to care for ones such as Al would take over from you…My older sister when she was alive looked after her husband with Parkinson’s until at last she had to admit she could do it no longer….She in that way reminds me of you….You have persevered longer than many who would have admitted it was too much…As far as your family, and their ‘judgement’ of you..in the future never feel like you have to defend yourself…make a statement if you will..but leave it at that..I myself can relate to that issue..and the more you try to justify the more frustrating it becomes and you end up feeling like…’they just didn’t get it at all’. Act on behalf of yourself and your brother and leave it up to God to work things out. He will, and you will have a peace about it…not necessarily right away as any change brings a lot of feelings but trust that the end result will be the best…’There is a time and a season for all things”….Diane

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    • sometimes the comments on here are so touching they bring tears to my eyes. i am more emotional tonight than usual, but your comment touches me so much. i want to memorize these words. thank you so much

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  7. Amazing post, the light is near, and you took the words right out of my mouth as I was thinking the same, “I’m tired, but I’m strong.” The latter giving you strength to deal with the former. May you always reach within your heart to find the answers. Ameen. 😀

    Pink.

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  8. Follow your heart and your instincts, they surely won’t lead you astray. Ignore the detractors, for they are not taking this journey, you are.

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    • thank you. sometimes it seems like the best is not good enough or close enough, but i do know that i love my brother and hopefully somewhere inside him he knows that i love him. he and i are the last of this long generation of family. it doesn’t seem possible that this will end everything. i am so thankful for my memories

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