I Have Learned Too Much Already


It was a sunny and yet chilly day this morning when I awoke. The humidity had left leaving cooler and dryer air. The skies are beautiful with no clouds. Al did really have two doctor appointments today, I checked! Yesterday I had made a mistake, but yes, today was the day.

I got up about two hours earlier than Al and sat here drinking my coffee at the computer, and catching up on reading blog emails. A nice time of the day for me. Al did get up then and made his way to the kitchen. Breakfast over, we both got ready for his appointments.

The heart doctor was first on the agenda. We waited very little before his name was called. Once inside the little examining room, they ran an EKG and took his vitals. The nurse had to go out of the room to get the EKG machine, so I took this time to check and still play with my new cell phone. I glanced up once to see what Al was doing on the examining table and he was about ready to fall forward. I jumped up and at the same time telling him to sit up buddy. His Parkinson’s has taken so much strength from him, that sitting up has now become a struggle. I was able to catch him, and with his and my help he was once again sitting in a pretty good position. The nurse walked in as I was helping Al and looked at me, and I explained about the Parkinson’s and not being steady anymore. She said oh.

The vitals and EKG were completed, and the nurse left the room. In a few moments the doctor came in. I have to tell you about this doctor. I think that she is probably the most intelligent doctor I have ever met in my life. Not only is she very smart, she is very compassionate and shows Al much gentleness. I wish she could be Al’s doctor for all his problems, like an all-in-one doctor, but this isn’t going to happen. She explained to Al and me that his tests all looked good. She listened to his heart and then sat down at her desk.

She tells me that she is going to take Al off some of his medications. She says that the heart is staying stable at this point, and that she sees no reason for us to keep coming back as often, unless we need her for some pains he may have later on. She goes down the list of his medications, which is always a lengthy list, and starts placing check marks beside a few. She tells me that he can not be taken off of his heart medications, that could place him in danger. She explained that she was interested more at this time in his comfort.

I understood, or I thought I understood what she was saying. Al off some of his medications?, great! Less side effects, less pills, heart is doing alright.

We had another appointment right after leaving here, so I ask Al if he has to use the restroom before we leave, and he nods yes, and then he yells out of the blue, aren’t you going to tell her about my pain? I told him I had already told her, and that she was doing all that she could to help him. His tears fell there and he said, that he knew he was going to have this pain until the day he died.

After Al left the room to use the restroom, the doctor tells me that she has seen major changes in his Parkinson’s. She explains to me that she is merely interested in his comfort. Yes, she told me this before, and I so appreciate her caring. She then tells me, that we are in the comfort level now. I looked at her, not knowing for sure what she was trying to tell me, and she says it most likely will not be the heart that takes Al, it will be the Parkinson’s. She says it is so important from now on to make sure Al is as comfortable as possible. The light switch went on, and I got it. I knew what she was saying. She puts her arms around me and gives me a hug, and tells me she is here for me, that all I have to do is call.

Al came back and the conversation ended, with the doctor and I agreeing to bring back Al in six months for a check up, unless I found at six months I didn’t need her. I told the receptionist I would call in at a later time to make the appointment as we were almost late for the next one.

On the way out of the building, I did the only thing that could possibly comfort me the most, which was to light up a cigarette. I know how it sounds, but for me, it is what works. It replaces the tears. Al doesn’t have to wonder what is wrong by seeing my tears and get all concerned.

We went to the Podiatrist next and I showed the doctor his toenail that has been gray for a month now. He tells me that it is the circulation from his tremors and his Parkinson’s. He explains to Al and me that it will probably fall off before long.

So now today, it is only noon time, and I have learned too much already. I am ready for a nap but can not take one. There is family here and Al is awake. My time to block out my new information will have to be placed on hold.

A 12 lead EKG demonstrating Wolff-Parkinson-Wh...

A 12 lead EKG demonstrating Wolff-Parkinson-White syndrome with characteristic delta waves. Resolution of the original image is good enough for printing. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

43 thoughts on “I Have Learned Too Much Already

  1. Terry, I know what you may be feeling with data overload right now, but it is his comfort that counts now. When my mother in law reached this point, I felt complete loss and just knew there was more I could do. All I could do was give her comfort and love.

    Give strength, give thought, give deeds, give understanding; Give love, give tears, and give thyself. Give, give, be always giving. The more you give, the more you live.
     
    Always,

    Ed

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  2. I’m sorry Terry 😦 This doctor seems to be confirming what you and I have been talking about doesn’t she? Especially what we discussed the other day! I’m here if you need to talk about it! xxxxxoxxxxxx

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    • i hope that i can discuss it in time. i am such a puss……….even as i try to read this and other’s comments, i fall to tears. i can’t do it yet……….i m not ready to let go, i am selfish. i will call soon. i can’t remember what u said but i am now AT&T with same number

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  3. Terry, you have to store all the information in the motherboard and pick out little at the time – for me reading this is was positive news and information or did I miss something. You need a good break from everything – and come back with new strength. My heart bleeds for you and everything that rest on your shoulders.

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    • the doctor is saying in his last time they want to make sure he has more comfort than anything. this makes me sad. i guess i should be happy for him because of his illness but it makes me sad

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    • thank you Paws to Talk. thank you for saying i deserve it. i never did find time to nap but now at this time of night, i finally got quiet in the house, and now i m feeling sad. not ready to deal with this yet

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      • It only seems normal to be sad at this point. Cry it out if you feel it might help. We hope some happiness and relief is around the corner.

        *kisses*

        Bella and DiDi

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    • keep writing those great blogs, and keep sending me wonderful verses. this is what you can do for me. you help me much more than i can ever say. the more i talk to you, i seem to feel a connection in our lives. i don’t know what they are but i can feel it through our words. i am sure God has a huge part in this. bless you my friend for standing by us here

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  4. My dear, sweet friend: how I wish I could enfold you in my arms and just let you cry. Tears seem like weakness, but they are cleansing and they help make clear things in our mind that are clouded by worries and doubts. It seems like you now know that besides making Al comfortable, you will be preparing to spend time with him in a way that you will remember for a time after the Lord takes him home. You know what this is leading to, so you are going to take in every smile and precious moment that you can, despite all the hard times that will surely accompany those precious times. You are now aware and you won’t miss anything. I’m sending lots of love to you, Sandy

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    • i have looked at today as u just stated. every smile, every tear, even when he is cussing out a fly for not landing so he can kill it, i will treasure. i am so mixed up and drained tonight, i can not even cry. my body feels numb, but my heart feels much pain. i need your friendship and i need my blogger friends. i know others have life rougher than me, but to me it is so certain that things are going to change in a big way

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  5. I’m so sorry that Al has reached this stage, but you have a wonderful doctor there who cares. The others have already said it, but keeping Al comfortable is the main thing. Don’t forget to look after yourself though.

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    • i think i have always been the last one to see to my own needs. i have always wanted to help others, but you are right, i have to look after me. i think about this looking at your words, and i draw a blank. i have no idea where to even start this frame of mind of me

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  6. I think the mixed feelings that come with caregiving make it so very agonizing for the caregiver. On one hand you’re being told that his comfort is first, on the other hand, you were starting to crack at the seams for your own. It is so absolutely exhausting to give, and give, and give, and give. I don’t think God wants life to be this hard for you, and remember that this life is not the last. There is heaven as well, where we are all reunited, healthy, happy, and true spirited. This disease, it’s like it robs both of you in many ways, leaving you bone dry with numbness. This complexity of emotion is so normal. I just hope you know that, and how much God loves you. Ameen.

    Hugs to you for your self-care,

    Pink.

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      • Yes, it is so difficult to know the reasons. It’s like, hey God, if you could send me an email, you know, one of Your angels could type it, that would be great. Like Your general timeline for my life, the details, my solutions. The like. 😀

        Pink.

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      • that sounds like a good idea to me, Pink……i have never been one of those people who take all those special testings to see what i may die from or give you a general idea of how long you will live. i just don’t want to know the truth

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  7. My first husband, the father of my children, left us when he was 32. He had kidney disease and to have a transplanted kidney was not feasible as he would have rejected it. I struggled with the why’s and the reasons and in the end was comforted knowing that he wouldn’t have to hurt anymore. There is no easiness to losing someone you love, but friends and people that care do definitely lighten the load.

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  8. Such news is always so diffilcult…you hear and know what is being said…but, wish it weren’t so…Your mind just has such a time grasping the news…You feel at a loss as to what to say or do…So you continue on with your daily routine doing what is needed…Thank goodness God has taken that job from us…Only HE knowing the exact time…how …why…and when…He knew we could only take so much…and so gives us the reassurance that HE will be with us…and that we will come through…the hardest of situations…We just have to keep our faith…and then rejoice in that our loved ones will have contentment and no more pain…Thinking of you and Al… ~mkg

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    • it is difficult and after today, it is more saddening to me. i am dealing with this but it is not easy. God is with Al and me, and I know Al is ready to go home to God. I hope God doesn’t allow Al to suffer much longer. He is now living on pain pills most of the time

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