Hanging On To You


Lord Howe Island snorkeling - Double headed wr...

Lord Howe Island snorkeling – Double headed wrasse clown fish and others (Photo credit: Percita)

Hi bloggers. I am writing to each of you that respond to me, all in one blog reading.

I don’t feel well today. I don’t normally make it an plan of action  to write this many blogs in so few hours, but I need your friendship at this moment.

Good news. I have hired a respite caregiver. Her name is Shannon. I fell in love with Shannon as soon as she arrived here. She went straight to Al’s room and interacted with him, while he showed her all of his coca cola items. I could hear her making a fuss over each one as if she had never seen anything like it in her life. She left him to talk to me for a while. She said she was going through the ads,but before she started reading them, she prayed, that God would show and guide her to someone who needed her. The way she feels about life, and her complete attitude had won me over. Al liked her also, a good thing. She is going to be able to let me out of here once a week, and once a month I get a whole day, like eight hours.

The heating and air man came today because of an issue I was having. Not much wrong, but still the bill was pricey, as everything in the world is. Next my son called me and told me the price of the shingles for my roof was double what I was quoted.

After we hung up I called the store and they had only quoted me for half a roof. They forgot to times it by two, so my mind went into shock, as I knew I had no choice, as the old roof was torn off yesterday. He has left to pick up the shingles and other supplies, and Al is taking his nap, so the only thing I hear is silence.

I should be grateful, but I am not. I have this huge butterfly nest in my stomach, and my heart is hurting terribly. Not like a heart attack, but like a I am alone, and I am scared, and I am fidgety. The pain in my heart is from all the stress that has been building up for months. Agitated that I can find no comfort in anyone around me. irritated that it has taken so long to find a caregiver that actually wants to help me. Battling with my own edges of depression, fighting hard to keep my sanity. Leaning on God for anything I can grab a hold of. I feel like I am going to snap. My eyes feel like they are going to flood, but nothing happens. I feel helpless, not hopeless, but helpless. My age and diabetic issues keep me going backwards, forcing me into reality that I can no longer do the things I once used to do. That with age comes weakness of the body. I hate asking for anything in life.

I feel guilty because I feel bad. I have just found the perfect caregiver, and I know God has put the two of us together, but I still feel sick.

I don’t understand why I am the way I am. Trust in the Lord. Give him all of your worries, do not lean on anyone here on earth. God will take care of me and everything that I need he will be here for me. So why do I want to just lie down and cry my eyes out. Why is my heart acting like my brother is already gone, when he is sleeping in his own bed.

Is something catching up with me? Has something been following me for sometime and I am just now realizing it?

http://us.mg1.mail.yahoo.com

I went to my friend Aina’s blog, link above here, and I instantly felt more pain, but I forced myself to listen to her song she had on there. She was telling me about her two-hour walk, and the restaurant that she, herself, had picked out. She chose her own meal, and listened to the live band play. As I listened to the songs, and followed the words in them, utter loneliness crept inside my soul and heart. I wanted this. I wanted this so bad, I could almost taste it. I wanted to be around those people, listen to that music, eat my dinner with calmness.

I am where I am because this is where God hath placed me. I am doing the Lord’s work as he as asked me. Why can’t I be content. I need to stop! I need to think of others over myself. I have a job to do and a soul to look after. I am disgusted that I can possibly want more.

It has helped somewhat to write again my feelings, but the heart is still aching. The loneliness will turn into loud noises once the family is back. I can once again put all of this behind me and save it for another day.

58 thoughts on “Hanging On To You

  1. I’m glad you got a caregiver once a week and one whole day a month…only you will know if that’s enough Terry….only you and your body will know if that’s enough respite for you…That’s all I will say right now…but I pray for you for discernment and peace..that God wants for you…not what you’re feeling right now….Diane

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    • thank you my dear Diane. i am hoping to gain more time for me as Al and Shannon get to know each other better and feel comfortable, then hoping to get two full days a month at least

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  2. Terry you are being to hard on yourself regardless of your faith you are still human. It is normal to want more in this life regardless of the promises awaiting you for the next. Your brain acting like Al is gone already is actually a prefectly normal reaction it is a defense mechanism trying to prepare you for when the terrible day that it becomes a reality. And why should you feel guilty for wanting to go out and socialise or even dream about having someone there to put their arms around you at they end of the day. We all dream we all play the mental what if game but then we return to reality and deal with the hand we have been dealt. I know I do not share your beliefs but I seriously doubt your God is going to think any the less for you for occasionally wishing things had been different, would he have given you the heart you have if he didn’t think you would put it to good use, or the creativity you have if he didn’t think you should have experiences to inspire you? You have done far more than many others in your place would have, many may care for their children or even a partner but very few would have put their lives on hold to care for a sibling. I will be honest I love my sisters and brother but I am not sure I could have been as selfless as you so give yourself a break you are only human not forget that you are an exceptional human and someone i am honoured to have met through blogging

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  3. Terry- there is nothing wrong with feeling that way. You’ve done so much already and sometimes its ok to ask why you have to go through what you are. It happens to all of us and it’s not wrong to have that feeling either. Life can become overwhelming and hard to deal with at times. You deserve a break too and people to care for you too

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  4. Turning to God is what He wants us to do. He wants us totally dependent on Him so do not feel you are going to Him too often.
    I am glad our prayers were answered and God provided a caregiver for Al.

    Walk daily with God at your side!

    Ed

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  5. often when you stop and have time and quiet, then suddenly everything you have had to put on hold to care for Al will hit…i would say let it…it will refresh you…be still and know that he is God, let him attend to your pain..you are not alone…you have been in fight or flight for a long time, with zero time to deal with it or care for your needs.
    As awful as this feels, it is a good thing let the emotion pour out

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    • i am waiting, waiting for the flood to pour over my face, but nothing yet, hopefully it will come soon. u r probably right, i would feel better. i think i put it on the back burner and wait for the perfect time, now it is so backed up i can’t get it out

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  6. Terry, I agree with Paula. You are being too hard on yourself; you are human. When my father almost died 2 years ago, I was a useless knot. I couldn’t eat, sleep and was helpless. You are a true example of love. I know my brother or sister would never do for me what you are doing for Al. Emotions play tricks on us and that is when we need God. You are a light in this world of darkness and Al knows you love him. Hang in there and glad you have help.

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    • thank you so much Nap………….God did help me and gave me a wonderful lady for Al. i know in time i will enjoy every moment, but i know myself well enough that on the first day i will worry, like being away from a child i think.

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  7. Sometimes, it is all just too much. That’s how it feels. And yet you go on; because you have put your trust in God. And you can go on, because you have put your trust in God.

    Your life is just horrible right now. It won’t always be this way, and when it’s not, there will be things you miss about it.

    Just pray for the strength to get through this day, every day, and you will, because you are not alone, and you are not the only one praying for you.

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    • i love my blogging friends. they are more understanding than i could ever hope for. i feel like i have a huge support group all around the country. i think this is why it is so easy for me to pour it out on paper or web page. i can feel those tears, but they won’t release. they have to, i need them out

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  8. Hehe. I am the Queen of Numerous Blog Posts, so don’t you worry about posting several in a day. I am sorry you feel bad, Terry. I am here for you, if in no other way than to read your words an let you know that you are not alone.

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    • that is all i need to hear. sometimes i feel like a whiner when i know how hard life is for you. i try to restrain from writing so much of my pain, but some days i can not help it. you are right though, there is no darn law on how many times we can blog, right? thank you for reminding me of this my dear friend

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  9. God is good. Sounds like he has sent the perfect person to give you a little bit of a break. Regarding how you are feeling, it is normal. It is a cycle of feelings that people who are in your situation will tend to go through.

    Though your brother is still there, you know where the road will end. Many times caregivers will grieve for the loss of their loved one before they are even gone. Also, you sound tired and weary which means you need to take care of yourself and get yourself rested not only physically but emotionally as well.

    I encourage you to find a good Christian person to talk to. It would do you a world of good to find someone you can meet to have coffee with that you can talk to face to face. And, in turn they can listen to what you are feeling and may have other helps for you as well as praying with you and for you.

    You have to take care of yourself so that you can take care of Al. Begin a blessings journal for yourself. Each evening, begin with writing down five blessings that happened during the day. As time goes on, try to add to that blessing list each evening. To go with writing down your blessings, look up scriptures each evening that help you or could help you and write out those scriptures at the end of your blessings list. Then, imprint that scripture in your heart and give the next day to God. Because, God is already there in the next day waiting to walk with you and give you the strength you need.

    Your blessings list may begin as simple as
    God woke me up this morning

    Blessings and Peace
    April
    Psalm 121

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    • oh April, that is a wonderful idea. i almost had a tear run, when i read your comment. you sound so caring and loving, just like the kind of friends i have always wanted. i have a wonderful long time friend who lives two hours away. she works a lot of hours and doesn’t feel the best, but i am hoping we get to see each other soon. friends do wonders for each other, just like you blogging friends do for me. thank you so much April

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  10. Keep writing and sharing, Terry. Sometimes unloading whether in words or tears is all you need to get a boost to keep going. Hopefully, you are feeling the caring energy from this blogging community. One day at a time is all anyone can do… and you are doing it – Judy.

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    • thank you Judy. it does help to write about it. even though you people don’t know me, i feel like someone is listening to me through my words. it brings me comfort. i m so tired that all i can do for now is go only one day at at time. i do feel the energy and the prayers from my blogger friends. i really don’t know what i would do without you

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  11. Terri, As I see it the caregiver saying she prayed before looking at the ads that God would send her to someone who needed her, was God saying…”Terry, I’m here for you and I am answering your prayers. I just needed time to find the perfect person to help you.” Now you know that he is hearing the prayers for you, you should take comfort in knowing this is a start and he has made it clear that he is listening. What you are feeling is anxiety over having these changes take place finally. You have made so much progress through your writing that God is now opening a door for you to continue growing independent. Take those days off to make some friends who live close, whether going to Bingo, the diner alone, or just walking the neighborhood and saying hi, maybe find a church that is holding a Bible study for people your age. Open your heart to them like you have with us, and you might be surprised at how close these new friends will become to you. Biggest thing though…pray like the caregiver that God will open doors to the right friends for you. Maybe you will find that special someone in the process. Don’t be afraid…remember…”God did not give us a spirit of fear, but of power and strength.” As for all those repairs…pray about them, and maybe God will work things out in these areas as well. Maybe in talking to these places that you are a full time caregiver for your brother who has Parkinsons and that money is tight, they will cut you some slack. You have my prayers sister!

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    • you said so many true things. the caregiver, i do believe, was sent from God. I have thought about it tonight what I am going to do on Monday, my first two hours. I thought I would go to the lake and sit on the pier and do nothing but enjoy the silence. after this i do not know, as i don’t think about me any longer so i have lost part of who i am, but i like your ideas. thank you

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      • You are welcome. If I had a lake near me, I’d get a fishing liscense and go fishing…lol. Make a list of things you love to do and things you’ve wanted to do, and use this time to do them. If you like reading, go to the library or join a book club. If you like arts and crafts, take a painting class, go to a gallery, or take a pottery class, or even a cake decorating class. The world is your oyster, and it is time you opened it and found your pearl.

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      • i do love antiques, and i used to love to read. i love taking photos, maybe i can do something like this, just don’t know what yet. it feels so stupid to not to be able to think for myself. my gosh, i am in my upper fifties. i should know better than anyone what i like, but i have forgotten. ooooo, i know,,,,,,,,,i always used to go to public auctions! i used to own my own business in antiques…!!

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  12. Praying for you, Terry. Your story and the way you express your emotions are so vivid and heartfelt. Thank you for your transparency. Please know that you are not alone. Jesus holds you in his hands, but you have so many “Jesus’ with skin on” that love you. I’ll be lifting you up, dear one.

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    • thank you my new friend………by the way, i love the name shelly. i almost named my daughter this name. so nice to meet you. i would be nowhere without God and my blogger friends. i thank god for bringing me to WordPress three months ago

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  13. Terry, great news and … so glad at Al likes her too – so important for it to work. Writing is fantastic tool when feelings talk over .. much better then talk to somebody. As a child I was very lonely – and the writing helped me through it. Wrote everyday to imaginable friends or to people witch names I heard on the radio. Then finished the letter – I just throw it in the bin and I felt a lot better. It’s all about getting of our chests. Here you get a response – fantastic tool, we have … our blogs and we should use it !!!

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  14. What used to happen to me when caregiving was that I would be going full tilt, hard charging all the time until I caught a break or actually took one. THAT is when I would get headaches and palpitations. Yes! Trust in the Lord. Yes! You are doing what is best for you and Al. Give yourself time and no guilt trips about what you are doing and believe it will be ok. We are here for you.

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  15. ‘Why can’t I be content.’

    Story of my life 🙂 I force myself every day to give thanks for something, no matter how small it is. Been trying to make more of a concerted effort to BELIEVE it too, not just say it. I understand what you’re saying in this post completely. Acknowledge the negative, but don’t forget to enjoy and appreciate the positive I guess would be my thought for the day for you Terry. Hope you’re having a good day today!

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  16. My heart goes out to you as it sounds like the burnout has led to some flames that have died down. I hope you take some much needed time out for yourself and hang on, even with the last thread, to your sanity, well-being, and in the least, God’s love. Ameen, and me prays for you.

    Pink.

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  17. Terry, I’ve been following your blog for some time now and, honestly, I see nothing from God telling you to keep suffering like this. However, I do see bunch of signs that seem to imply you need to let go of the current arrangement. Here are my specific reasons for the implication:
    1. If your house is old enough to have new roofing done, it will pobably need other major repairs in the near future: implying you to move into a condo, apt, or small townhouse?
    2. Al doesn’t seem to be getting better, and your involvement may not have much impact on him anymore. Only you can answer the affect of your involvement, but it might be a sign he needs to be checked into a professional care.
    3. Your body is at its limit: implying you need to change something dramatically for your own health sake!
    4. Your own personal family think you are a villain sometimes: implying you need to change something to save your own children.

    Only solution that I see, that will remedy all 4 items, is to let Al go. I am very curious to know why you might think God wants you to keep pushing on with your current life situation.

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    • there are two reasons I hang on to him Chris. Number one is, my experience with disabled adults who are mentally challenged. they are treated last in nursing homes. i have seen it over and over. i do not want him ignored or to feel no one cares. number 2. i was considering, seriously, placing him these past two weeks, until this past monday the doctor said we are now in the comfort level of care. in medical terms this means no more useless medications, no more to be done, think of comfort only. this tells me a little too much, but enables me to maybe hang on for a little while longer, if his time is short, and i can handle it i want him to pass away in his beloved room with his coca cola items near him. so this is why i keep going, or keep trying my sweet friend

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      • as long as i get to heaven,,,,,,,,,tis all that matter to this soul…………….hugs, we will meet each other for the first time there. although i have talked to others about a reunion of type, somewhere in the middle to meet all of us

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