Without You Life Would Be Harder

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2004 07 15 - State College - Mail to Self

2004 07 15 – State College – Mail to Self (Photo credit: thisisbossi)

My body and mind are tired today from yesterday’s adventures, but I am trying hard to find the good in today, so I wanted to just touch base on a couple of things.

I have decided to write the letters to the two aunts, having Al tell me what to say, then I will mail them with no return address. This way, I don’t have to be hurt anymore and I have done as Al wished.

Al and I do not know when he is going to pass on to heaven, but I tend to follow Al’s lead. He believes he is, and who am I to tell him he could be wrong. With all of the information I have googled, I find that Parkinson’s patients can live for several years in Al’s condition. For Al’s sake I hope this is not his case.

You may ask why I even went to see Julie, the sister, and the same reason is above stated, because Al feels like his time is near. I try to put myself in his shoes. If I could not drive anymore, or was no longer able to write, I would feel so frustrated that someone, who thinks they know more, would not help me finish what I think needs tended to at the end of my days.

Today, I got up because Al’s shower girl was to be here. I felt terrible in general. I think it is the emotional stress taking over. I actually came out on the couch and slept once again. Now, I am awake but feel like I have been drug through a mud bath. Moving along but in slow motion. With God’s help and the wonderful comments made by you, I will be back on top in no time at all.

So, I am taking it easy, and maybe tonight, I will write a fictional story, or add something to Al’s journey for you. If not hopefully tomorrow.

One good thing I have to add for this day, is the credit card was found! It ended up being on the floor board between the seats of my son’s truck. This was a comfort to me, although, I knew no one could use it, it is comforting to know it is now cut and in the trash.

Al is having an excellent day. He has bounce in his walk and I have heard no complaint of pain from him. I did tell him that I talked to Julie, and that she hadn’t changed from before. I told him, we would write a letter together to the two aunts, tonight after dinner.

So a few good things I have found today.

I want to thank each one of you for your comments, your words of comfort. You do so much for me and help me to keep standing. Each of you I have taken into my heart and you have become dear friends to me.

I am going to do nothing really today, just continue to heal. I can’t help but get angry at myself, that I would let another human being do this damage to me, but I am trying to improve.

God bless each one of you. I love you all.

33 thoughts on “Without You Life Would Be Harder”

  1. Take that walk to the lake, and refresh in the presence of the Lord there as you do. It will help. Once the letters are done you have left it in the hearts of the aunts to make the right choice for Al’s sake, and just know that it will be on them which choice they make. Take this day to heal, to let God refresh your Spirit, and give you a fresh focus as well. You are in my prayers, and have been since I woke this morning.

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    • thank you. may i ask one question of you? i m fighting to crawl back on top so why at this late part of the day the tears still swim in my eyes. i know the truth, i know how to heal, i am working on it. i want this sadness to leave

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      • Because hurt takes time to heal, especially when it leaves an emotional scar. As someone who suffered through physical, sexual, and emotional abuse, I always tell people that physical and sexual abuse heal a great deal faster than emotional abuse, because those scars go deep into the soul. That is why it is important to give them to the Lord Jesus. That was why I made the effort to toss them into the ocean and let God have them. It was like throwing the trash out of my soul, so it could heal. The Lord knows who he created you to be, and he wants to help you be that way, including healing those scars for you. Those tears are good, because they are cleansing, so cry them out until you can cry no more. Refocus after that, take a picture, pray, walk, and let God have the rest. You will get through this, and know that Jesus was with you through it all, carrying you when you needed it, comforting and healing the scar that was put there. He did it for me, and I know he will do it for you too.

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      • Because hurt takes time to heal, especially when it leaves an emotional scar. As someone who suffered through physical, sexual, and emotional abuse, I always tell people that physical and sexual abuse heal a great deal faster than emotional abuse, because those scars go deep into the soul. That is why it is important to give them to the Lord Jesus. That was why I made the effort to toss them into the ocean and let God have them. It was like throwing the trash out of my soul, so it could heal. The Lord knows who he created you to be, and he wants to help you be that way, including healing those scars for you. Those tears are good, because they are cleansing, so cry them out until you can cry no more. Refocus after that, take a picture, pray, walk, and let God have the rest. You will get through this, and know that Jesus was with you through it all, carrying you when you needed it, comforting and healing the scar that was put there. He did it for me, and I know he will do it for you too.
        And anytime Terry, you need to ask a question, do so. I am an open book, and will always share my soul, my life, and my encouragement if it brings glory to the Lord, even when it isn’t my best moments…lol.

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      • thank you so much for your reply. i am going to take this as a normal process of healing and although i am praying more for my family, i think i need to pray for myself also. i pray so much for others but do not too much for me. thank you For

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      • We all tend to do that, Terry, and it is what Jesus did, prayed for others even when he was on the cross. Remember…”Father, Forgive them for they know not what they do.”

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  2. Go out and bresth the fresh air the good Lord has blessed us with and clear your mind. You did all you could do to mend broken fences, now let God do His thing. I continue to have you and the family in my prayers and will add a special prayer for your strength.

    Walk daily with God at your side!

    Ed

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  5. It’s so wonderful the way you’ve placed yourself in Al’s shoes. It never fails to amaze me that each day, you try to meet his wishes as much as you can, even when you know that they may hurt you sometimes. God has blessed you with patience, perseverance, and a compassionate heart, and I’ve been blessed by meeting you. You always have something sweet to say, and as you continue to care for Al, I pray that you will one day be cherished by not only us WPers, but those who haven’t taken the time to understand you or see your beautiful spirit. I’m going to take Ed’s quote and say, “Walk with God!” and I’m going to add take a quiet walk with Al if he can go out or sit outside and just read until the sun sets. I figure it’s not every day he’s free enough of pain to just enjoy the company of his sis.

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    • i guess i look at Al as he is the one who is ill. i would b selfish to think of me first. although i could die before he does, i want him to know how important he is to me, and that i love him. i just tried to get him out on his scooter, but he said no, the tv has become his major friend i think

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      • I’m really certain he does realise you love him. But like you said, being sick can be frustrating, it doesn’t bring out the best in some of us. As for T.V. the best opium ever created. Well, I guess that means you can sit outside and read for a bit. Or will you be joining him?

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      • no i don’t join him. i am not that much in to tv. after he is settled in his recliner i go outside and sit and watch the squirrels and listen to the birds

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  10. BIG HUGS….. GIRLFRIEND…. all will be fine and work its way out! It is upsetting when family is so mean… Makes you a stronger person! If the whole world was nice… we would be boring! We need that stress and sadness in our lives so we can grow that gray hair! lol Good to relax… gather the thoughts…. You are the stronger person in all of this!

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  11. You are just so kind, Angel Terry, and caring. Praying Jesus wraps His arms of love around you today . . .and you can be kind to yourself for awhile! God bless you!

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