A Clown With Two Faces

Clown at Parkinson's Disease of San Diego 5k W...

Clown at Parkinson’s Disease of San Diego 5k Walk and Fun Run (Photo credit: gebl)

For my regular followers, you already know that my brother, Al, has Parkinson’s and is getting worse. I have also posted the last couple of days that he has not been acting his usual self. His confusion is worse, which could or could not be dementia. He is much more sad and doesn’t seem to enjoy much of life anymore.

For this blog part, I am not going to place any verbs, or adjectives, to give you a brighter or more imaginative picture. I am just going to be to the point and only put out facts that I know for sure, which is what I have noticed or heard.

I had every intention of blogging on here about the day, some time back when the temperatures were at least 100 degrees. I used to be very bold, and I was a lover of fishing. With the heat being so bad, I decided to go to the lake and rent me a row-boat and get out on the waters for some fishing and cooling off.

I didn’t have a boat motor, the oars and my arms were the only motor I had for use. I went about on the lake about 1pm and rowed myself about a third way out on the lake. The heat was just too bad, and the fish went down into the waters to stay cool. I came back in about two hours later still hot, and no fish.

It was July 4th, and my too independent mind neglected to tell anyone that I was going to go rent a boat, and so I got chewed out by my husband and my parents for doing this activity without letting anyone know.

The reason that I got chewed out so badly, was because at 7pm, that same day, four hours later, I delivered my firecracker baby boy!  That was my part of the national holiday, producing my very own fireworks!

So now today, thinking back to that day, and also seeing Al acting different, not knowing anything other than a few more tears, a few more frowns, and a listlessness, Al comes out to me and says he doesn’t want to keep any secrets from me, and that he has known something for two days.

He sat down on the couch, and started to cry and he said his time was close. I flipped around in my chair and said what makes you think that? He tells me God came to him, two nights ago and told him it is almost time. I asked him if this was just a feeling, or if he felt like he was just so sad, and he says to me NO, GOD TOLD ME. IT WAS VERY REAL, HE WANTS ME TO KNOW IT IS NEAR.

I told him how sorry I was and reminded him of how going to heaven was going to be the best thing that he would ever experience in his life, and I added no more pains or tremors. The tears stopped, and he said, I just wanted to let you know, and the conversation ended.

I am not going to read anything into this, or try to diagnose his comments. It is what it is, and only God and Al know the truth.

So for this day, I am a half-faced clown. On one half, I am smiling because it is my son’s birthday, and I have wonderful memories of this, and on the other half of my face, a big tear falls, a prayer goes up to God for Al, and sadness has sneaked in.

39 thoughts on “A Clown With Two Faces

  1. Love, hugs and prayers for you both, Terry. God is in control and He does everything in His perfect timing and way. He is upholding you “in His righteous right hand”. God bless you both.


  2. To God we belong and to Him we return. May the two of you be reunited in the best of health, hearts, and spirits. Verily, this life can feel like suffering, as I have found, but there are moments of mercy too. May God always guide you to that place of peace within yourself. Ameen.



  3. You can’t begin to make sense out of what Al said…He said it with the belief that is is real and so you have to honor that state of mind and as you did not try to talk him out of it ..just accept that’s how he feels. That leaves you wondering but I guess that’s inevitable….take care …Diane


    • Julie, I sure wish i had the answers. he swears he is telling me what he sees and hears is the truth, but i am a doubter. if i can not see or hear it, then i question it. i don’t know what to think. what is your honest thoughts


      • It’s so weird – Al and Ants seem to be deteriorating at the same rate. And (you can cancel this comment if you want) to me, death would be a blessing.


      • i often wonder if your Ants acts anything like Al……………in this whole mess. and i understand death is wanted by Al and even though i hate it,,,,,,,,it would b a blessing for him


      • Terry, people often have a sense that their time is coming. Whether it is God telling them or some kind of inner knowing (because we do know our own bodies better than anyone else) I can’t say. But since Al is a believer I would tend to think the Lord is talking to him. But ‘soon’ could mean different things to different people. There are many things we have to accept on faith whether we can see or hear them or not. I wouldn’t worry about it. It’s going to come when it comes with or without trying to understand it. Just try to live in the moment, which is all any of us really have. And the Lord will prepare you as he is preparing Al.


    • i have learned something very crucial to my own life through Al’s life. i want to know the reasons why when and where in everything i do, i always have. now for the first time i am forced to accept Al’s word, trust, and wait. a very hard thing for me, but it is what i have to do


  4. Death is the one aspect of life that is inevitable. Frankly, it’s the only certainty. Just try to take each moment as it comes along, and enjoy the time that you’ve been given with him. Don’t let those worries overshadow the moments that you still have left. Take care <3<3<3


  5. I’m glad Al shared this with you, I think this is his way of expressing his affection. Julia is right though, soon means different things to different people. Keep smiling and know I am thinking of you both.


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