Before I started caring for my father and then my brother, death was the last word in my dictionary. I didn’t ponder on it or even think about it. I was one of the lucky ones whose relatives lived long lives. I had only had one grandfather who had passed and I had made it through the heart ache.
Now, death is in the front pages of my dictionary, and I try hard to shove it back to where it belongs, but it just keeps reappearing, like a bad dream. I have been now for a few years, afraid of dying.
What is it that causes me to be afraid of death? I know it is not the fact, that I will be with Jesus. This alone should make me so happy, to rid myself of all anguish on this earth. No more dieting, no more bad habits that I carry, as my smoking. I will be beautiful, but yet, I am still afraid.
When Andy Griffith passed away this week, it was a big wake-up call for me. People that I admired, who I lived to watch on TV, are no longer here. I have lost my parents, most of my grandparents, aunts and uncles, to the point I am now left with Al, and my kids.
I watch Al struggle with his fears of dying, and have seen him prepare himself for this big step, and I think, I can do this also. I try to tell my children how I feel about them, and how important they are in my lives. I know they listen, but they do not hear.
They are young, they are living their own lives, and raising their own children. They are trying to make a mark on this earth, just as I did.
I think that what I am afraid of is what I will be leaving behind. It doesn’t matter what I instilled in my children’s minds or didn’t instill, I believe as a parent, they will always need me at some point. It is realizing that I will no longer be here to listen to them or help them. I will no longer be able to see the grandchildren grow, marry and have children of their own.
The fact boils down to this, we are all going to die, no matter how afraid we are of it, or how much we fight it.
What matters to me anymore, is that I have told my children how I feel, and I have Jesus with me all the way. The walk to heaven will be the most honored walk-way I could ever walk.
We need to live our lives in a Godly way. Loving Jesus, making godly decisions, and spreading our love to others. I try hard, and I know I error, but it is alright, God forgives me. So from now on I will quit shoving the word death to the back of the book, and face it with respect. I will be ready when it is my turn.
Who I am 
Death is definitely a word to be taken different ways. But, if we are right with God it will be a wonderful day for us. It is as you say, we just do not want to leave our loved ones behind. We just have to believe we will see them all again in Heaven. In your situation it must be hard not to dwell on it, but please know that it is in God’s hands and we should try not to “borrow trouble”.
Hugs to you my friend.
Barb
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you are so right, i think Andy Griffith was such a favorite actor of mine, it just threw the death topic back to the top for a moment
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I don’t know so much whether it is the fear of death or ‘dying’ that could bother some including myself…and I wouldn’t even call mine a ‘fear’ so much as an unknown factor and I pretty well always want to be ready for whatever…and I am for ‘death’ but I wonder about the dying part…will I linger for a few years as my mother did in a nursing home with no abilities to talk, walk or communicate in any way. But the Lord over the past year has given me a peace that even if my mother seemed to be not enjoying life and it seemed so sad to us….that it doesn’t mean she wasn’t ministered to by angels during her time of illness and aloneness. We just don’t know…so I trust him no matter what the circumstances will be, that it will be alright. And yes I do think about those I leave behind, but I have to trust that also….Diane
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you bring up a very good point. Al, for example, he may be ready to go, but he could live a lot longer than he wishes, and i know that as he lives he will end up not being able to move at all, this is too sad, and your mom suffering too long. my mom had an annureism and went into a coma the same day not knowing nothing for the next seven days she lived. this was to her advantage. when i think of having to live with one of my kids or a nursing home, this becomes a bigger fear than dying. thank u for giving me another side to think about
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As Diane said, I think people are often afraid of the process–the pain, deterioration of body and mind, having to be looked after, institutions, etc.–rather than death itself. And we know how we feel after a loved one has died and we fear what our death will do to those we leave behind. We don’t want to think of them in deep grief.
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no, i don’t want others to grieve for me either, death, a small word, with a huge impact
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So well said!
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thank you. do you think there is a chance Al is having all these dreams, which i know he is a huge dreamer, and that they are so real to him that he talks about them when he is awake, like talking to mom and god?
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This ended on an encouraging note. Unfortunately, death is the one certainty in life, but we can all decide the state in which we’ll meet death- prepared and knowing that we’ve gotten and given as much of life as we can OR knowing that we simply drifted by, not making the impact that we were created to do.
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so true, i wish my brother could read and understand this, your comment
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Maybe he does. It could be another reason for his fatalistic words. Everyone realises certain things in their own way, maybe this is his way of saying that he doesn’t think he can serve his purpose anymore.
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i think you are probably right my friend. i had been battling on the phone most of yesterday with his different doctors on trying a new pain medication, but so far no luck. no one seems to be able to come up with one that can fight the pain of Parkinson’s
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I’m sorry <3. It mus bt so hard for him to have to struggle through this, and equally as difficult for you to look at him and realise that you can't help him. I'm sending a few dozen hugs down your way. <3<3<3
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i would love to give u a big hug also. you are so kind and so supportive. a friend in Christ
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I was thinking along these lines the other night while drifting off to sleep. I see my parents getting older and have lost two husbands so have an understanding of how it feels from the survivor’s point of view but none of us have a feeling regarding how it is about those who must go. All you can do I guess in the end is have faith and not live your life worrying about losing it.
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so true
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