Snap My Finger, And All Is Fixed


The good news is the medications are helping Al! They are ridding him of some of his pain. Al expected his tremors to be gone also, but I had to explain this was for pain only, and no medication would rid the tremors, sorry.

I took Al to a car show about a half an hour a way last evening, and this is what he was able to see.I think he had a good time, bu I know he wanted to be able to get out of his scooter and look at the engines, but we make do with what we have, right?

I am trying so hard friends to bounce back up on top of the ball, but I am still allowing petty things to keep me under the ball. I read other blogs, and they are so uplifting, and cheerful, with much wanted topics. Cookies, yummy, animals to be amazed at, friends who have a much more optimistic outlook on life, and I cringe and shrink back, thinking, I should put writing on hold until, I also, have more good things to speak about. I am not supposed to come here seeking what ever it is I sometimes seek. I am supposed to be an inspiration to others, lending a kind word, being productive. Instead, I find myself sitting in the semi-pit, and being still restless. I realize I need a break, and I am agreeing, I do, but getting a respite caregiver to actually come do the work being paid for is another topic.

I am sorry I have become a one-man circus, not giving much to laugh at, or an object of writing creativity, where you can not take your eyes off of each word.

I did want to share what Al got to do on  his outing, and to let you know, that his medications are working.

I am ashamed of myself for letting myself be beat up by obstacles that seems to hover and won’t leave. I am angry that I am struggling to find the good in my days, but hopefully, this too shall pass. I don’t know if god made me compassionate or sensitive, but I have learned through ignorance to take it too far. I have allowed little things to bother me, and I take too much personally. I need to toughen up and throw my hair to the wind. I need to let things slide off my back as oil runs through your engine. I need to be me, and I need to think of me, and quit trying to be everyone’s happy maker. I should be able to say if I don’t please you leave, if you want to change me, forget it, if you don’t like me, then be on your way. I think this is what I am battling inside, being accepted for me, and not letting guilt over take my decisions on the fear I will make someone unhappy. If I could just get away for a few days, like Jesus did, and go think and pray, I might be able to get this all straightened out, but for now, please bear with me, while I try to get this figured out.

51 thoughts on “Snap My Finger, And All Is Fixed

  1. If everyone reading your blog were a caretaker, they’d all be writing you to say you’ve done a perfect job of describing how they feel. A break would be wonderful, but the next best thing you can do for yourself is stop thinking you’re wrong to feel the way you do, and, oh yes, try saying “no” to some of the other stuff.

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    • thank you Mona for listening and caring. I just hate these days. the power went out for a while so no TV for Al, so he slept and so did i, helped to pass the day away. don’t usually do that but felt good today to do so

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  2. Terry…I write about cheerful things to help me…I have a son with Bipolar disorder…41 years old…still living with me and my husband… and always will… With medications and many, many years of struggling…police calls…hurt feelings…counseling…verbal abuse…we are doing wonderful…We are actually what I like to call, “Best Friends”…I try to keep him busy also…He does EBAY…goes flea marketing and thrift store shopping with me…Collects many things…I laugh when I read how Al loves the Coca Cola stuff…We went through that for a while…I wish Al could have some of it that my son has collected… Could I mail him something??? … So, please don’t feel bad…We are all not sitting in our Rose Gardens with no problems…We just have found a way through our blogging friends to get a release…Take care…just thought this needed to be said…~mkg

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    • it is very important that i read your reply, because you are the one who always seems so cheery and has a wonderful life, now i know you have issues like me also, and it makes me feel not so bad. you can mail Al something, just email me at
      tellmenolies2004@yahoo.com
      for our address. that is very kind of you to think of Al in this way. thank you for being open with me. i needed it

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  3. My brother deals with the tremors from a bad car accident he was in which left him with seizures and tremors and a brain injury. He had to learn everything all over again even feeding himself. He went through extensive physical therapy and speech therapy. I do not know if it would work but maybe some physical therapy may help to give Al more strength? And they gave my brother a anti seizure med to help with tremors and it does. Not sure if you have already tried that or not or if in Al’s circumstances if it would even work. But thought I would mention it in a case where it may. Take care sweety ……Tracy

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    • we had Al in physical therapy for three weeks, but the manager came to me and said that Al can not come back because he swears so bad that he can’t do the work, and that his tremors are too bad. Al is on a seizure medication twice a day. i am not sure what i was reading, but by your comment and others, i am not the only one who deals with issues medically. i kept seeing only sunshine from everyone, and thought about my own life with Al, and it is usually dark with a little sun. thank you for being open with me Tracy. i needed to read it

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      • Your welcome sweety. I deal with issues on a day to day but I always make myself remember that my seizures are not who I am but they are a part of me and if I love myself I have to love that part of me as well. I have problems with depression all through my life and i have been on meds for it. The doctor explained it to me like this. Depression is an illness what it is medically is that our bodies make a chemical that gives us that happy feeling and sometimes a body will quit making this chemical I am sorry i can not remember what he called it, and the depression meds given for depression helps our bodies to make this chemical again so we can once again feel happy. My husband also has Bipolar and so does his son. His two other sons have autism and his daughter has ADHD and my son has been on psychosis meds because of the abuse he has suffered from his father it caused him to slice his wrists and hear voices. He is only 18. I have my brother who has suffered a brain injury from a car accident and will always be like a 5 year old at times but has worked so hard through therapy that he now has three children and is married and doing well but he will never be the same nor will he ever be well. He had found God in his life and lives like he was never going to see tommorow. We all have our issues sweety and yours has been a tough one indeed and a selfless one too. You have such a big wonderful heart and filled with so much love that the love you have will pull you and your brother through anything. Maybe even some counseling to help him deal with the feelings he is experiencing and may be good for you as well. They really have a way of making you think about things in different ways and may bring some smiles Al’s way and help get his anger out. I had to put my son through it and even though he is not healed it has helped tremendously and makes me feel better with him going to college this fall 4 hours away from me. Maybe concentrate on dealing with his possible depression and anger once that is out of him you should see more smiles and sunshine than tears and pain. Take care…..Tracy

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      • you have had to deal with a lot too, i feel so ashamed thinking on me only lately. thank you for helping me to see life for what it is my friend. i have had Al to different types of therapy for five years, and each time they get to the root of his depression, his father, he explodes in the office and they dismiss him, because he becomes dangerous to himself and others, so we deal with depression as just a part of his personality, until and if someday he can release it. he has been on probably almost every depressant in the pharmacy. because of his mentality, doctors never see a change, no matter what type or strength. it is sad when the brain doesn’t co-operate like a non mental brain in functioning, but we do as we can, and now the doctors have Al on comfort levels and dealing with meds less and less except pain meds

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  4. It’s tough being a caregiver. You wouldn’t be human if you didn’t have your ups and your downs. Though I do agree with you about the ‘accepting you’ aspect. We are not superhuman and we’re not meant to be. If we don’t look after ourselves, who will?

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  5. As a former caregiver, I can say you are doing very well. As for the one-woman-circus I think getting Al out for an afternoon is great and do know the frustrations you are facing. I am happy to hear the new pain meds are doing the job for him. You might ask the Doctor about Tegretol, it might help with the tremors. It is used to stop misfiring of the nerves, but can only used in small doses for limited amounts of time. It might help Al, but could be chancy.

    Walk daily with God at your side!

    ♥ Ed

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    • I take the tegretol Terry for epilepsy and mysoline I think it is the mysoline also known as Primidone which is the generic which I also take that they gave my brother for his tremors. It may help alot. They are finding more and more uses for the antiepileptic meds than just for seizures one controls my nervous system and the other allows my electrical impulses in my brain to fire like they are supposed to. It may be worth a shot. Anything to help Al feel better. Has he been diagnosed with any depression as well? I know all of this has had to of taken a toll on him and yourself. Maybe something for depression as well. That may help with the tears he cries alot of the time. And less tears would be a godsend for you both. Take care sweety hope all goes well and someone will be able to help. Prayers coming your way! ……Tracy

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      • Al takes Carbamazapin for his seizures. He has over 100 seizures, the little ones at nights when he manages to sleep. with his heart problems, he takes several meds for that, which will not allow him to take Tegretol. It helps him to keep them at bay. I have noticed though this week he stares sometimes. I have heard this is a part of the Parkinson’s. It is like when i talk to him, he stares, trying to figure out what to say? this is what i am thinking

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      • I also take the carbamazepine ER (extended release) Carbamazepine in case you did not know is the generic for tegretol. I have staring spells as well as grand mal seizures and the petite mal and stress induced seizures too. The starring spells happen at anytime and sometimes i can snap myself out of them sometimes it takes someone to snap me out of them I always document them as this way I can let my neurologist know. If he is starring out in space those are seizures he is having. I am sorry that is alot to have I used to be like that when I was younger i was in the hospital everyday and there more than I was in school. It is scary sometimes. I am so thankful mine are under control with my meds. I still have to have an occassional EEG to see if it is getting worse or better and I found out they have moved to the frontal lobe of my brain now as well as the bottom left in the back of my brain. But mine are inherited from my father. They do have types where they are inherited. I hope soon some peace can be found and some sunshine comes your way. I am always here……Tracy

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      • i wonder if Tegretol has a chemical that carb doesn’t have. i don’t know. but yes al takes that er also. Al’s seizures hit the frontal part of his brain, killing thousands of cells, causing Parkinson’s to kick in way too early.

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    • i never knew you were a caregiver Ed! you so relate to what i say then in my blogs. i have to snap out of this. it isn’t healthy, and i do have so much to be thankful for. Al can not be on Tegretol because of his heart. I had heard of that before and had asked. Al has been on all three Parkinson’s medications,and his body is wired wrong or something. Instead of getting better he gets worse, so he is on nothing for Parkinson’s, just seizure , heart, and blood pressure, and now the strong pain killer, which helps him more than anything. i am so grateful for this. thank you for caring Ed, I may not say it enough, but i feel it all the time how special you are to me

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  6. One day at a time my friend, and know that God is always there even though it sometimes feels like you are alone and can not go anymore. Sit down have a good cry and let Him catch your tears. Don’t worry about us, we have our own problems but it helps us to have the upbeat notes you post here. God bless!

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    • i feel like i am dissapointing God when i get sad. instead of being thankful and happy, i am thankful for little. i should not be this way being a child of God. I did end up sleeping a lot today as Al also did from his new medication and a power outage, and this has helped me tonight more than i thought. maybe i was tired and didn’t realize it throwing me off in thought. thank you for caring my friend

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  7. My dear friend, if you don’t share what is in your heart, how will we know how to pray for you? You keep blogging and get it all out, and then heal your heart…because keeping it in will only let it build up and hurt you. If you want to feel that you are blogging something positive each day, just think of one thing you are thankful for and in one sentence share it. Like I’m thankful for butter, because it makes everything taste so much better, or I’m thankful for the sun shining, and reminding us that God has given us a new day of life. You will see that each little thing you are thankful for will ultimately make you realize that happiness isn’t in the big things but in the little moments. You had a little moment of victory today…in fact 2…Al’s pain meds seem to be helping him and you were able to take him on an outing to something you both enjoy. 2 things to be thankful for is much better than none. I will tell you that the one thankful thing you blog will surely make others see that you are not dwelling on the awful things in life. I know that you are not that way, and you are just beating yourself up. Jesus wouldn’t beat you up over it, nor would I. I thank God every single day that he has given Al such a wonderful, loving sister who would give up her life and independence to care for him in his hour of need. That is the real you, Terry, the one we see in your writing.

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    • my father never showed what he was feeling, only one time do i ever remember him showing any emotion. i think i have learned from him, that i need to be upbeat, and not let my sadness show, but it over took me and i finally had to let it out, but was ashamed to be weak. i have slept a lot today, since Al’s new med makes him sleepy for a few hours, and this has helped. i try to be something i am not, strong. i get too weak at times, and to me this is a downfall of my personality for God. you have spoken and let me know it is ok to have a sad day here and there, and this helps me in mind thought. thank you

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  8. Well Terry if it helps I can be real…I feel like crap today, down, struggling with anxiety and just at ill ease, and I don’t know why, I don’t even have a reason that I can find anyway. i tell you that to let you know that it is okay to feel what you are feeling…please don’t believe the lie of being ashamed of it! it’s okay, it’s where you’re at. you are dealing with a lot!!! xo

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  9. The fact that you mourn over your weakness or over your sins is really a blessing. Those without Christ don’t mourn over such things. Remember “Blessed are they who mourn…” It is in Jesus’s Sermon on the Mount in Matthew. That is about people like us who mourn over our own weaknesses and sin, and the sins of the world. God will comfort us and we shall receive the Kingdom of Heaven. Another thing to remember is that we aren’t men…we are women, and God made us emotional beings, not mechanical beings like men. We think and feel with our hearts, not with our minds like men do.

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  10. I don’t know what to say, because i am one of the ones who has come out the other side and i do have a lovely life now. But i need to say that you are dealing with an extraordinary amount and doing so marvellously and who said you cannot have bad days.. maybe you should be the one using the bad language. .. and you are an inspiration and if i may say so.. you are a great writer! c

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    • thank you very much. i never knew what kind of writer i was. i enjoyed writing as a youth, but never let anyone see them. i only let the first person see my work in march of this year. i have no special training, so technical writings do not hold my interest. i like down to earth, every day heart felt writings. it makes me feel good that you believe i can be an inspiration to someone else. you have become an angel in disguise to me. i have been able to pour out some feelings i usually keep to myself, and have no idea why i can do this, but am grateful, thank you for coming by the first day

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  11. You are so hard on yourself, Terry – you don’t need to feel like you have to be an inspiration or have to be anything other than yourself on this blog and anyway you ARE an inspiration in the way you care for Al, in the way you write so creatively and honestly. I love your blog and you! Juliexx

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    • o thank you my friend. in order to snap my self out of this, i cleaned the house, mopped the floors,and dusted. there! i feel better now. you are the inspiration to me how you carry yourself through each day with Ants in another home. you are the best!

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  12. You’re so amazing and each day that I haven’t had a chance to read your blog out of the 100 I subscribe to, you are one of my top five that I definitely aim to stay connected with, and my apologies if my absence has meant anything short of a truck load of support for you. The new job has meant actually working (instead of reading blogs all day like my last one :D) and so I’ve been soo pooped. Keep releasing those pent up feelings as this blog is for you, not your audience, and you give us the bravery, especially ME to write about what’s honest, not what’s entertaining 😀

    Hugsss.. think and pray about you everyday I do!! I’m like, two weeks behind reading everybody… so like um, forgive me… 😀

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    • i miss you my friend, but i understand. some day i hope to work again, taking care of other patients. i am happy that i am some inspiration to you, but i feel like it is the other way around. you are a positive person, upbeat, and take no crap! i wanna be more like you!!! love and hugs my friend

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      • Wow. Your words are like a superman cape, lifting me up! I mean like, all I get is inspired by your strength, and God knows I think of you everyday, praying for your love, success, and ease in this life and sweet heaven. You are such an inspiration to us all, to take what is analogous in our own lives and to transform our pain into another level of strength. I’m definitely going to make time to visit everyone as I realize how much I need angels like you to lift me up. It’s been a rough couple of weeks as I’ve had some strong negative experiences with my religious community, and so I’ve also been suffering emotionally as well. Reading, getting out of my shell, makes me realize how much I truly need such friends like you in my life too. Hugssssss..

        Pink.

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  13. I don’t believe there are any ‘rules’ of blogging …that you have to write uplifting and encouraging posts..I believe you write what you feel…what’s going on with you and your life…what you enjoy writing (when you’re up to it) Sometimes you do end up by encouraging others just by writing what’s on your heart and that you do! And if you happen to receive support from others…well that’s a good things also because we all need that in our lives. So just concentrate on Al and you and here’s hoping you get that chance to be alone and have that time of just peace and prayer…Diane

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    • thank you Diane. i do feel finally like i am starting on the up today, have had lots of sleep and feel more energized, ready to tackle the world again. i am sure hoping that the respite caregiver calls tomorrow and lets me know she is feeling better

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