Picture It And Write It, Prompt Number 34


This was me one day after I graduated high school. A cigarette and smoke being seen only by the elite club of smoker friends. The kids who wanted a better life, more popularity with the mature boys I knew.

My girlfriend had suggested to me that now that we were women, and could make our own decisions, we should take up this dignified habit, to show the world we were top class. There was no one to stop me from lighting up my first cigarette, sitting in my car, with her and our windows down, parked in the bowling alley parking lot, and knowing our parents would never see us here, as this was a place where they never adventured to enter.

I can look back and see us both holding our cancer sticks like pros, twirling it between our fingers, trying to hold the pose of the ladies on the television commercials. We coughed, and our faces probably turned colors between an unripe tomato and an over ripe one.

It didn’t matter if we choked our way through our first one or not, we were women, adults of the world, and able to make choices.

My first time I ever smoked, was the day after graduation from  high school. I only had one or two the entire day. Although I was of legal age to smoke, in my mother’s eyes, there was no legal age. When I came home for supper that evening, the first thing my mom did, was dump my purse out on the counter, and out fell the red hard pack of Marlboro cigarettes. She immediately questioned me as to who these belonged to and I instantly told her that they were not mine, that I was holding them for a friend, because her mom would have a fit if she found out her daughter smoked.

Mom didn’t believe me at all, and why should she? The smell of cigarette smoke is rank. It comes out of your mouth as a wispy cloud, and aggressively attaches itself to anything within a few inches. Mom said I smelled like smoke, and once again, I tried fooling her stating I had been with my friend and she had been smoking. Mom says to me in no uncertain terms, smoking will kill you, give it up!

At that time there were no commercials nor media prompting that smoking was habit-forming. Any posters or ads you saw were sophistication, and this is what my mind had fooled me into believing.

Today, all these years later, I still see my mom and me standing in the kitchen, at the table, and her unloading my purse.  Every once in a while, I think of mom and wish with all my heart that I would have listened to her. It has been several years since mom has died, and I still carry the guilt of knowing I am doing something she didn’t approve of.

What people don’t realize, is it really is a drug. It is hard to break this terrible habit. I pray about it almost nightly, and I tell myself how bad I stink from its oder, but I still smoke.

I go to sleep each night telling myself, that was my last smoke I was inhaling, and wake up each morning to light up once again. I have different excuses for myself that I use, such as I have to die from something, or I can’t give them up taking care of my brother, or I will quit when they cost a dollar.

My father smoked up until he had his heart attack, and because of the recovery time, and the fear of a too close of death experience, he never went back to smoking when he was released. He exchanged his smoking habit to a habit of chewing gum.

Is this what will happen to me also? Will I  have a heart attack to quit? I don’t know, but when I face the down and dirty bare facts, and when I am all alone, I have to admit the truth, and that is, I am not ready to quit. I will have to be forced by some unknown power, that can beat me up and knock the nicotine out of my body.

I want to quit for so many reasons, but I don’t want to quit bad enough, or I would have done it now. I tell myself I would quit faster if there was someone who I had to liable to, but there is no one, and this is one time, that you telling me what about God, will not work, or at least so far it has not. I am strong, but the addiction is stronger, and God is even stronger than the addiction. I don’t know if I will quit on my own, or if God will have to once again show me by hard lessons. Time will tell.

Thanks and credits go to Ermilia for letting me write for her writing exercise.

http://ermiliablog.wordpress.com/

33 thoughts on “Picture It And Write It, Prompt Number 34

  1. It’s a tough topic, isn’t it? All I can offer is…as someone who had issues with controlling the amount of alcohol I would drink for a fairly lengthy period of time in my life – I have zero desire for the stuff anymore, and don’t need it in any way, shape, or form. And if you knew the me that existed for the 10-15 years before the last 2-3, you would be saying ‘That’s a miracle.’ You can do it, if in the end it’s what you want to do. If not, that’s ok too! Hope all is well.

    Like

    • Hi Brian,
      I think what you have done is fantastic! You wanted it and this is what helped you get past it. I am so proud of you.
      This same applies to me also, I want it, but not as bad as you wanted to stop drinking, I am afraid to say. for now, i need it, but not sure if it is the dependency on the drug part of it, or more emotional……..hugs to you my friend

      Like

      • Thank you Terry. It’s still kind of hard for me to believe I don’t drink (ok, with the exception of a glass of wine like, 2 or 3 times a year…if that) anymore. Crazy life 🙂 Hope you have a great day today!

        Like

  2. Not only did they not tell us it was dangerous, the spin doctors (including commercials by doctors) told us it was good for us. The textbooks told us it wouldn’t affect the fetus we were carrying. I gave up smoking when I was pregnant with my second child in spite of what the spin said, because the thought occurred to me that someday we might learn that smoking does indeed affect the fetus. I’m so glad I stopped, and when I did. My body was all different because of the pregnancy, so it didn’t cry out for a return to cigarettes after she was born.

    If you want to see the horror of how we got roped in, read “The Father of Spin.” Then wonder what we are getting spinned into believing today. http://www.amazon.com/Father-Spin-Edward-Bernays-Relations/dp/0805067892/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1342382969&sr=1-1&keywords=the+father+of+spin

    Like

    • I am so happy for you that you were able to quit Mona. I quit through each of my three pregnancies, but returned afterwards, why? stupidity…….thank you for the link, i will check it out. hope your weekend is going well my friend!!

      Like

    • I am so happy for you that you were able to quit Mona. I quit through each of my three pregnancies, but returned afterwards, why? stupidity…….thank you for the link, i will check it out. hope your weekend is going well my friend!!
      oh it is a book! i thought it was a web site, will get the book!!!

      Like

  3. A great piece, Terry. This is very true for many people. It’s fascinating how it was so “Cool” and now the campaigns that we’re bombarded with are about how BAD smoking is. Society has twisted 180 degrees on that topic. Thanks for writing. I love this line “It comes out of your mouth as a wispy cloud, and aggressively attaches itself to anything within a few inches.” I hope to see you again at Picture it & write!

    – Ermisenda

    Like

  4. I can see where you’re coming from with this. I’ve never struggled with something like this for as long as you have, but I think that when you are really ready to let this go,with hard work you will. In the meantime, don’t beat yourself up over this. Addictions are considered illnesses because of how hard they are to cure, so don’t beat yourself up over the head (not an excuse though -__- )

    Like

    • this is the nicest way i have ever been told smoking is not good for me and i need to quit………….but you are right, i m just not ready yet, i guess, but i am in the battle of the mind over it, so i m getting close. i tell myself that my dead line has to be this fall, before the house is closed up for the winter. i am tired of the house smelling like smoke, so maybe the preplanning will help…hugs to you Kadeen!

      Like

  5. This is a tough one…! I gave up cold turkey after smoking for about 18 years. I just decided that I didn’t want to cough any more…. But I also really wanted ‘not’ to smoke. I think that’s the answer. Until we have the want (and this applies to anything) we are just kidding ourselves. I think it’s better to accept that we just aren’t ready for whatever it is, and allow ourselves to stop kicking ourselves. We’ll do it when we’re ready….. 🙂

    Like

  6. I just can’t get over the connection between being a “woman” and making the decision to pollute myself with poison! How true is that?! How sad is that?! I love what you wrote here, but I almost wish the words stopped there because they are so powerful.

    Like

    • i am glad you were able to stop by and read my writing exercise. i had to tell the truth, at least, as far as i am personally involved with this nasty habit. it holds more power over me than anything else. i am glad that you enjoyed it

      Like

  7. It’s so hard quitting something you know you SHOULD quit but just don’t want to!

    My personal hang up is junk food. I found that fear is a good motivator though – that’s why I decided to enter a bikini competition when I was size 14. Fear of public humiliation was a great motivator for me to get in shape…here is the link: http://sheslosingit.net/2012/07/15/fear-is-a-great-motivator/

    Hope you find your motivation too!
    Lisa
    http://sheslosingit.net

    Like

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.