The saying is, you can’t teach an old dog new tricks, but I believe you can. I am considered middle-aged, and am starting to see I am getting set in my ways in life, but I was taught a new thing this morning, and I have sat straighter, and have taken a new look at my life, and am now thankful and yet fearful.
I have been living my life through Al’s actions, and I now realize this has been wrong to a point. I have also been preparing myself for the future. I actually hate doing this, as I am not God, therefore, I do not know the time or the day when our lives here on earth will end.
I believe the brain kicks into a slow-moving gear, maybe a shuttle, slowly adjusting to what will happen down the long path of life. I think it keeps us out of the shock mode. I know of many instances, when a young person, or a healthy human, has been lifted by God, to live with him, instead of showing his presence here on earth. We go into shock, surprise. We mourn heavily for the loss of our friend, co-worker, or family member. Children especially are the hardest to deal with, as we expect them to live for ever, and even out live our own selves. It takes our minds weeks, sometimes months,maybe years to get through this and past it. So, I am thankful in a way, that my brain has started to adjust to what could happen.
Today, though, I have learned from a dear friend, whose family member also suffers from Parkinson’s, that Al is not going anywhere, if normal circumstances continue. I believe I have fallen into the trap of listening and taking the words from Al and letting them sink too far in my heart.
Yes, he is suffering, I do agree. Yes, he walks with much struggle, and wobbles back and forth. Yes, he is very slow, and is beginning to struggle with drinking and speaking, but he is safe, in the fact, that he still can walk, talk, use the restroom, and dress himself.
When I learned that there could be more likely worse things to come, I had a wake-up call. Al could come to the point he can no longer walk, will not recognize me, can no longer be fed normal food, and he may want to sleep more than stay awake. The coca-cola could become a distant memory, and his new awakening for vintage cars, could become a thing of the past.
I don’t know for sure if this is something God wants me to learn or not, but my gut says yes. I believe God wants me to wait on him, to listen with my heart, and to let my fears go into God’s worry basket. I believe that God wants me to live for today, and pause only for tomorrow, glancing at it with a dim light, but not concentrate on the what ifs.
I believe that God wants me to place my trust in him, and not in the world. You can hear the doctors words, you can read all of the books, but when it comes down to black and white, it is very clear, the color is all white, pure white, our lives are in God’s hands, his perfect timings. I believe that God is using Al’s illness to teach me humbleness, thankfulness, and to walk an even closer walk with our Lord.
I talked to Al, who is in a constant pattern of seeing only himself. I told him my thoughts on how it can sometimes be a bad thing, a negative thing, to see only ourselves, and not see the wonders of what God is doing in our lives.
He didn’t understand, which I was already prepared for, and I explained to him what could happen to him in the future with this illness. I taught him what I learned, that God wants us to be forever grateful for this moment that we are given. He looked at me, and I felt the click, that he understood a big part of what I was saying. His comment was, you mean God wants me to be like this? I said no, but he wants us to give thanks for what he is giving us for this day today.
He said nothing and lowered his head to his lap. We both sat in silence for a few moments, he and I pondering on the lives we are living, thanking God for each moment we have, and that we have this time together to share. Someday, each of us are going to leave our memories for others to ponder on, but for today, I just want to lower myself on bended knee, and say Thank-you to God for using my brother and his illness, to draw me closer to you. Thank-you for being gentle and loving in your teachings to me. You are perfect in your teachings and timings, and for this I praise your name.