Lost


English: Replica of a Viking Dagger by Sid Birt

English: Replica of a Viking Dagger by Sid Birt (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

This is one time I am surely using this posting, blogging thing to try to force myself to stand up. I am crying even as I write, and the events of yesterday are still clinging to me like a wet bathing suit. I have no idea what I am going to place on here for words, I just know that my heart is in my big toe, and I feel like the heart that holds everything in my life as value has been ripped out, stomped on, and shredded into a million pieces.

Surely with the help of getting out what I can for the public eye to read will in long-term help me. Yesterday was bad, terrible, just awful. The law was involved twice for bad behaviors from Al. Humiliation, embarrassment, also showed its presence  and although I never asked for nor invited it, it has stuck my side all these hours.

Al acted up, acted out, showing the bad side of him. We all have bad sides, right? We may not talk about them here for all to see, but deep inside, we each have a tiny bit of us that is bad. We are sinners, according to God, so we have to have a bit of bad. We don’t let others see this if we can  help it, but then there are times that some do not care who is standing by, nor do we care if others are listening.

Words were thrown like daggers, all coming straight for my heart, some actually penetrating me and causing so much pain, I felt my emotional part fall out of me and hit the ground. I have yet to find it, for I believe it is hiding from me, sitting in the background laughing at me.

When you love God and you try to be that good person who your parents would be proud of, and your community, family, and friends would be proud of, you are tested. I often ponder on how many times do I have to prove myself to God that I still love him. I asked God last night what is it that you are trying to teach me, in order for these testings to leave. By the time I closed my eyes, I had outwardly stated, the hell with God, I can not take this any longer.

I wanted to pack my feelings and get in my car and run. I could not do this, the responsible side of me and the love of my brother and my children, kept me attached to my bed the entire night, and it was very hard to climb out of bed this morning, because I didn’t want to have to look at anyone’s face that was even slightly familiar to me.

I was tested and I don’t even know at this moment if testing is the right word I should be using, but what ever it is, I was put through this torture once again later in the evening. When I thought the worst was behind me, and the quietness was finally surrounding me like a home theater system, the daggers came at me once again, but this time they were double-edged daggers because these were shot at me like speeding bullets from people I have loved my entire life as a mother, and I fell to the ground once again, and I saw these strange, familiar faces, kicking my spirit, and trying to stomp the life out of me.

It was so painful. I was rudely awakened to the reality, that the ones you have loved the most, the ones you depend on the majority of time to love you back, to be supportive in ways no others can be, in some circumstances can pass themselves off as strangers walking the streets in my own city.

When you get to be my age, one of the few things you do not want to happen, is to have your past brought back to the present. None of us are proud of some decisions we have made years ago. We make our decisions according to our circumstances we are going through at the moment. Sometimes, we end up making the right choice, and then there are others, we are ashamed of the choice, and somewhere down the road we realize it, and we fix it, but we do not want to be reminded of it in the time of our lives, where our children have grown up and are raising their own families, and we are sometimes forgotten that we exist. What we built our lives around, having babies, and wonderful Christmas and holiday memories, are just that, memories. We try very hard to still find our usefulness in the world, as we sometimes are thought of only at the holidays.

I am not stating this for all of us. Some of us have fantastic lives. We married the right man, we have wonderful children, we put money on hold in the bank, and we travel and enjoy ourselves in our retirements, but then there are others like me, who have not been so lucky.

I truly have tried my very best to do the right things for Al, to be a good mom to my children, and I am constantly fighting to reach heaven’s door. God has heard my prayers of pain and crying out. Praying that he takes my emptiness away, and that the hurtful words and ugly actions I was exposed to, I pray that God can somehow use my experience to help someone else.

Like I said in the beginning, I had no idea what I was going to write, but I do know that I wish a few of you lived closer, because as the Golden Girls always say, I need a group hug.

97 thoughts on “Lost

  1. You are getting hugs from all over the world`God bless you and your children right now. I pray God’s comfort and strength be yours. Blessings and Hugs ~ Patty

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  2. Not knowing what has brought you to feeling this hurt and ‘forsaken’ somewhat isn’t necessary but to let you know that there are those who empathize …who have indeed felt so ‘wrung out’ physically but especially at this time emotionally. It is a time when you do wonder when it will stop…when will things settle down and you can have rest and peace in your heart, mind and very soul. Terry, please hold on and know there are many who would love to live close by so you could receive those hugs…but virtual ones though not the same are sent your way. Try to ‘feel’ them and know you are cared about…..Diane

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  3. Aw Terry, I am so sorry to hear of your ordeal. Things are darkest before the dawn; I hope and pray that things will soon be brighter, easier. I hope the hugs of many constitute a group hug because you surely have many hugs, here. More hugs from me, ~ Lily

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      • True. Very True.
        Mother Teresa said: “I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love.”
        I have tested this, at times. Sometimes we feel the hurt so much more than the love, the love lags behind or seems a long time coming… but it comes, just not always when or from whom we expect.
        Hugs and prayers for you, dear Terry. ~ Lily

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      • Thank you for the Appreciation, Terry. You are so thoughtful. If any words from me helped a little bit, I am happy to hear that. Being able to help a friend is one of the most satisfying things in the world.
        Chin up, with peace and happiness. ~ Lily

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      • i understand what you are saying. i lived my life for my family, and now they are the ones hurting me. I will try to remember this comment that you said. thank you so much for caring and helping me through this. it matters to me

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    • i am. it has been so many years since the pain has been so vivid and the layers of my heart have been spread opened. i need the hugs and support from those who understand life, thank goodness for this blog

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  4. Love and hugs and prayers, angel Terry. Nothing said to you changes who you are truly, in Him, . .beloved, treasured , precious, daughter, highly valued, trusted, planned for, purpose filled, desired and sought out.

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  5. Love and a huge virtual hug coming your way from me and mine.. I don’t think God is testing you, I think he is hugging you. He is never closer than when we are having trialsome times.

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      • He does not create our troubles, we do. People blame him all the time but it is us that make the decisions in our lives. His love is unconditional. God is Love! Ask him to give you a peaceful heart and mind, then allow him to do so. The people around you are all affected by the situation that you have to deal with. Everyone has a different level of “coping”, and of dealing with it also.
        You are the calm in the eye of the storm. The one that bears the load. Forgive the hurt..let it go. Accept God’s peace…that’s what he wants from you.

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      • i see what you are saying, and today i am letting the pain and hurt slip away. i never ask god for anything for myself, i always ask for Al’s sake. maybe it is time for me to pray for me. thank you so much for opening my eyes

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  6. Everyone has a bad side, but most do know when and where to show it. My guess Al has decided it doesn’t matter when or where, and somehow the police got involved. Not good for any reason.
    Then to have the daggers again later at home tells me he is for some reason trying to get you very upset. Since I don’t know the whole story, I can only add there was one time when $y mother in law decided I was kidnapping her on the way to the doctors. She made quite a scene and it did involve the local police. From that point I arranged for a in home nurse practitioner to come and handle things as needed. It was shortly after that hospice came and then a nursing home.
    I know your feelings on turning Al over to a home, but you do need to tell him you will not take treatment like that anymore or you will be forced to give him up. It is stressful enough as it is, you don’t need any more stress.
    Hugs and love to you!

    Your friend,

    Ed ♥

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    • i actually copied these words you spoke, because they are very important! i will definitely tell him, i promise, because it is his actions that stress me out to the max, and i don’t need it on top of all i do for him. he knew he was acting out or up

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  7. Aaww, I wish I could tell you everything will be okay, I will say with confidence that you will heal. The wounds leave scars, but you will be stronger than ever. God’s love is the balm.
    My thoughts and prayers are with you.

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  8. Terry, you don’t know it but we are sharing so much that’s the same right now. Contact me at freshpaint04@aol.com What I have to share with you I’ve not formed into words for a post on my blog yet. I really need to talk to you. Love and hugs, Sandy

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  9. Oh terry, poor darling, you work so hard, good for you for writing, I hope there is a way for you to get help with Al, there will come a time when you will need help. if you can you must.. so sorry to hear that you had such a dreadful day.. c

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  10. Sending a a big hug, and lots of cyberhuggies your way! I’m so sorry that you had such an awful few days, and I’m really sorry that your feelings were seared by the people you love. What you can do is remember this, when Jesus came to earth, He came to save the people He loved. It was those same people who turned around and mocked Him, spat on Him, kicked Him, and crucified Him, after all that He had done for them. Yet He still went through with His mission of love. Remember that Jesus has been in the same place where you are and He knows exactly how it feels. I hope you find comfort in the fact that the being who created you knows what this feels like, feels your pain, and already has a plan in store that will serve as a balm for your damaged feelings. Take care of yourself! <3<3<3

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  11. Terry, as I cannot give you a real hug, I am asking the Lord to wrap His arms around you and pour in His love-balm and His comfort and to send His angels to minister to you. I know what it is to wonder “when is this ever going to end?”. My circumstances, of course, were much different than yours, but the hurts and tears and emotions and frustrations and questions and doubts were similar. But the Lord does come to the rescue because He hurts when we hurt and He so wants to bring us near to His heart. In a vision I had, I saw myself “seated with Christ in heavenly places” (Ephesians 2:6), my head over His heart and hearing His heart beating out “I love you. I love you. I love you.” And this is what He is saying to you tonight. Just hold on to Him. Picture Him holding your hand, because that is what the Scripture says He is doing (Isaiah 41:10, 13). If His right hand holds your right hand, His arm must be around your back holding you close in order for this to be possible. He is with you and has promised never to leave you. Know that when He seems the furthest away that is the time when He is actually closer than ever. Just whisper the name of Jesus when things get beyond you. There is power in His name. I pray that the Lord will bless you with a deep and refreshing sleep tonight and that Al will wake up in the morning in a better frame of mind. God bless you, Terry. Remember, you are loved whether you feel it or not.

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  12. Even though we’ve been emailing each other this morning (your evening) I only just saw this post – sorry Terry! Like I said in my emails, I believe it is time for you to let Al be cared for in a nursing home or you might implode.

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  13. ‘When you love God and you try to be that good person who your parents would be proud of, and your community, family, and friends would be proud of, you are tested. I often ponder on how many times do I have to prove myself to God that I still love him. I asked God last night what is it that you are trying to teach me, in order for these testings to leave. By the time I closed my eyes, I had outwardly stated, the hell with God, I can not take this any longer.’

    For starters, HUG coming your way. I hope that writing this at least got the feeling better cycle going. Something tells me it probably did 🙂

    Two things to add to this part of your post…as always, take them with a grain of salt and feel free to disregard them.

    1) I believe at least a portion of what God may be trying to teach you is that our actions, thoughts, and words can never be good enough or prove ourselves enough to Him. It is our faith that He is in control and that He knows the plan for our lives and that He will make things work for our good if we believe and trust in Him that makes us beautiful in His eyes, more than any good deed, good thing said, or good thought held. Doesn’t mean it’s easy and doesn’t mean there won’t be time and time again to make us feel exactly how you stated you felt in the last sentence of the above paragraph, but I think that may be part of the lesson you are wondering about.

    2) If you notice in the Bible, there are numerous times where it mentions people expressing total frustration with God…and I think it’s ok and totally understandable at times to say, ‘Hey God…are ya up there??’ I know I have!

    I guess what I’m saying is, this too shall pass. I don’t understand your exact situation other than what I’ve read in your blog, but I do understand being frustrated with God. I just want to encourage you to stay in faith. More than anything else, stay in faith. He will see you through everything, Terry!

    Your friend,
    Brian

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    • Brian, you are such a comfort to me. do u have any idea what you do for me? you help me see things the way i should. u help me to realize, which i did this morning, but you reinforce that god won’t leave me, and i need to stay with him, that there is no other way. i hate how i let people affect me, i really do. i get hurt easily when it is family or friends doing the hurting. i need to be stronger and taller, and have more faith. thank you my dear friend

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      • Terry, please forgive me for opening up here in the middle of your and Brian’s conversation, but I wanted to say that he is dead on in what he is telling you. We are always being tested, but it is not God that sends the hurt. It is Satan. In his jealousy of our relationship with God he strikes us repeatedly the closer we get to him. Remember poor Job? Even his wife said “Why don’t you just curse God and die?” (paraphrased) http://bible.cc/job/2-9.htm

        We faced a not dissimilar situation when caring for my husband’s mother. She was so very ill but wanted to remain at home. We honored that wish for her for many years, and took the well meaning jabs from her neighbors and friends. They really did mean well. Some of them over time grew hateful in their admonitions, but we held out in deference to her needs and desires. It meant a lot to HER that we did. It also meant a lot of long drives, sleepless nights in hospital, and more recriminations from those who did not understand. It was hard.

        We are left to only guess how it was for you and what happened in detail, your business, but it is you who in the end must make the decision about how you will survive and carry on as his illness progresses. There will come a time when you simply will have to turn him over to someone else for the care he needs. It won’t be easy, but it will be best for you both. You will know it in your heart, and God will understand. God will be there to comfort and sustain you through the transition of letting go. Trust Him to guide you in this. Find a quiet place to sit and pray, then listen for his answer. It will come. I send a hug and a prayer for your comfort and strength. ~ Lynda

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      • thank you Lynda. I think this is the hardest decision I have ever been faced with in my entire life. letting my brother go, just the thought of it sends feelings of guilt running through me that i can try a little longer. hearing the negative from others, sends so much pain. i feel like i am in the middle of a tornado, being spun round and round

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      • Terry, I live in tornado alley. We have a tornado shelter. GOD is your shelter in times of trouble, just trust him to guide you through. He knows your struggles, and your pain. He will support you and love you no matter what you decide.

        Dear Father in Heaven I lift up Terry and Al to you in prayer. They need to feel your presence and support in this time of illness and tribulation. Please put your calming spirit over Al, and send a tangible message for Terry so that she will understand what needs to be done next. Should she continue on in her care of Al? Is it time for her to let go and let you take over? Please help her find peace and comfort through this troubling decision. Let her feel your love today in a very special way.
        Thank you Father,
        Amen.

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  14. I LOVED Golden Girls! Now the song rings through my head… man, we all need a Betty White to cheer us on, and know how much we are cheering you on, and that after much difficulty, comes twice the ease. It’s just that well, challenges can be excruciatingly painful, yet later on, when the hurt subsides, we have built another layer of thickness to our skin, to be able to withstand the treachery that life presents, that we will not remember in the hereafter. I understand how it must feel, as if God abandons us. I am reminded by what Steve Jobs says, which is that we can’t make sense of the dots moving forward, they only connect looking backwards. Keep on making those dots. Keep on plugging away. Your efforts are not futile. You are not alone. I have always admire how much you have won over yourself, as you are our role model of resiliency during times of great tests.

    Your pain is totally legitimate, and know that while pain in life is inevitable, suffering is not. Keep sharing, blogging, letting it all out. You will soon see and be amazed at how you got here from there. ameen.

    Pink.

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    • i told Al just now that we have to go to the grocery store, and that if he acts up or out and causes me any problems, he will be considering going to a home, and now he ask if he can stay in the car and i said no, so he is sitting here crying. he jumped out of the car and tried to walk in the highway, why would i be stupid enough to let him stay in the car. he can just cry, i am getting my way today

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      • Your strength renders me speechless. And although you feel weak, you are so much stronger than you realize. I sense your soul is wary, and your heart is tired, but please do keep pushing forward, even if it’s just holding onto the next minute. Or even a second. Your muscles of faith, patience, and resiliency are definitely working overtime. You’re gonna be like, this Super Woman! 😀

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  15. Terry, this of roller-coaster life as you have … must tear you up – I don’t know how you do it. Even if he are you brother and have an illness … he has no right to treat you like he does and if I where in your seat – I would tell him so. Either he behave and treat you with respect or .. he goes to a home. That’s pure evil and there is no ground or excuse for that what so ever. Why should you have to take this .. because you love him. It’s abuses. Reading this really made me mad. He knows what he is doing. He have a bad day and everyone else has to have one too. Terry … here comes my part of the group hug.

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    • i did tell him that he was going to a home if he acted up like that one more time. that i was a person too, and deserved to live in some harmony and peace, while i was caring for him. he didn’t like it, but i said that is tough. you are being mean and hateful and i don’t have to take care of you

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  16. Oh my!…I see you have been wrung through the wringer like I my Mom used to do with the clothes she was washing…I hate those days!…and the anger that escalates and things that comes from our mouths..well, it’s like it’s not even us!…I do believe this is when Satan is having his way…and would like us to just give up and fall into his trap…This is the time we have to say, Get away from me (us) Satan…in Jesus’ Name!”…and believe me he will…Our faith has to endure…Have been to many a low moment just like you are describing…Hang in there Terry…I see many hugs are surrounding you…and I’m sending them to you too, my friend…~mkg

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  17. May the Lord bless you and show you His presence. Our prayers continue.
    Isa 43
    1) But now thus saith the LORD that created thee, O Jacob, and he that formed thee, O Israel, Fear not: for I have redeemed thee, I have called [thee] by thy name; thou [art] mine.
    2) When thou passest through the waters, I [will be] with thee; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee: when thou walkest through the fire, thou shalt not be burned; neither shall the flame kindle upon thee.

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  18. Hugs and more hugs! I wish I had some words that would magically take your hurt and pain away, but I don’t. Just know that you are in my prayers.

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  19. I am playing blog catch up hence commenting on posts out of order lol while you have to be understanding of Als problems you do not have to take crap from him or anyone else if they have a problem they have to choices discuss it calmly or dont let the door hit them on the arse on their way out the door. We do it with our kids bring them up to be strong and independant give them the best we can that they hae a better life than we did and they do seem to think it goves them the right to mouth off I remind my daughter I brought her into this world and while she might not like my decisions she sure as hell better respect em because had I not made the choices I did she would not exist

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