Scales Unbalanced

I am sad right now, and I have no reason to be sad, right? I have set the scales on the table, and spread my feelings on them. I am trying to sort my feelings out and get my act together. I have been down and out for about four hours now, and I hate myself for being this way.

On one side of the scales, I have God, many friends here at WordPress, food on the table, roof over my head, bills are paid, health is not too bad, too heavy though, but I could change that and I ignore it.

On the other side of the scales, sits sadness, alone, lonely, mom and dad are in heaven, four hours a week to get out of this house, no job, don’t see my kids enough, but I could change all this, only by making choices.

It all started on Friday. I was feeling so many feelings. Upbeat, nervous, anxious, excited, kiddish. I had these feelings continue all day Friday and Saturday, and until early afternoon today on Saturday.

I had a phone call Friday. Someone from my past, years and years ago in school, was wanting to pay me a visit. I was flabbergasted, I was so excited, but the closer the time came, the more nervous I got until I had butterflies flying in my stomach big time.

The visit came, the talk was picked up like the last time I had seen this person, and before I knew it, the visit was over.  Sadness kicked in out of south field, bringing me down to the bottom step of a high-rise.

I started questioning myself. Yep, I sure did. This visit was a reminder of one of my most happiest times of my life, and I wanted it back again. I wanted the desires of being  special to someone once more. I wanted someone’s arms wrapped around me once again. I wanted to be held, comforted, I wanted to have the weight lifted from my shoulders of carrying my responsibilities by myself.

I know the words, I have them memorized. God will show you someone when the time is right. Trust God. I have been waiting for five years, and after today, I wondered why I am alone.

Someone mentioned earlier tonight, that they want to see my peacock feathers spread. To tell you the truth, I don’t know how to spread myself. I can spread money and make it last. I can spread myself to bring hope to others. I can spread my heart wide open to anyone needing loved or comfort, but I can’t spread my feathers, because I have no idea who or what it is that I am to spread.

When people ask me about who I am, my first response is a caregiver. I take care of ill people. This is where God has placed me. Other than that, I don’t know.
Right now, even though this sounds like a huge pity party, it is actually going to heal me to be where I was once before. I will go on. I will keep working with my brother. I will place desires of wanting someone to want to spend their life with me, and I will forget about today and the feelings that came to surface. No, not talking about sex, talking about being needed and wanted. To have someone look into my eyes, and see their love for me. Don’t get me wrong, nothing happened today, but wonderful talk, and visits to memory lane, but it brought to surface my hidden desires.

In reality the scales are out of balance, I can see. I have everything I need, just as God hath promised, but my desires and needs of the heart are still empty. Why can’t I just be satisfied with what I have.

Now hopefully, as I read this over and over, I will sit back and laugh at what a fool I was acting like. Loads of people live alone and love it. I just don’t happen to be one of those, but I will survive, right?

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Photo of Nosy

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Picture It And Write It, Sept. 02, 2012

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Continuing Story Part 16

Photo of Nosy

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yesterday, I wrote about our ornery kitten, Cali. I just wanted you to see her curiosity never quits. Here is a photo I took of her last evening, trying to get the last of the milk out of a glass. She should have been named Nosy instead of Cali!

 

 

 

 

Picture It And Write It, Sept. 02, 2012

This writing exercise is for Ermilia over at http://ermiliablog.wordpress.com. I love writing for her and Kellie, as it lets my mind expand to areas I have not written about. Today, it is about this photograph. As soon as I saw the photo, I thought of two dear friends that I have on here at WordPress.

When I started writing on here, for the whole world to see, I have to admit, that it made me very nervous. You see, I am lacking in the confidence areas. I try really hard, and I have cursed myself at some of the decisions I have made in my life.

I used to listen to others who talked, instead of listening to God and following also my instincts. It usually got me into trouble. Then there were the childhood memories of never being good enough that actually followed me into my adult life, and let me tell you, when you do not have confidence or much of it, you can make some big mistakes!

When I started writing, and I got a few likes and a couple of comments here and there, it did a big boosting thing to my confidence. I felt like, hey, I can do something that others like! Wow, let’s keep trying.

I have met many nice people on here, I just can’t say how many are so nice to me, and several of you leave me comments whether my posting was good or bad. You are all so kind.

Then along came two people, almost at the same time, reading my blogs, clicking on like, and even commenting. We each had a common denominator, and it was called Parkinson’s Disease. Each of these two ladies have family members who suffer from this just like my brother.

It formed a common bond almost instantly. As we got to know each other, I found out the areas they live in, and I have seen the beautiful peacocks on one of the sights. The more we commented on each others blogs, the more we three learned about each other, and I got to the place where my heart opened up to these two precious souls.

Now when I see a photo of a peacock, I think of Julie and Jo. How they do not know me in  person, but have taken me in to their hearts and families. They have encouraged me, smacked me when I down grade myself. They have boosted my morale, and convinced me I am worthy.

Today, I am more open to speak up, not nasty speaking, but speaking. It is still hard for me to say what I mean, because I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, but I have been walked on and stomped on, and this was not right either.

I want to thank you Julie and Jo, for being the colors of my life. I want to thank bloggers here also, Diane, Amy, Diane, Viveka, Patty, Beth, Cathyrn, Marilyn, Francine, Stephen, Edward, George, Debbie, Rob, Nancy, Paula, Tilly. There are so many of you, that I can’t even remember at the moment. Please do not take it personally if your name is not mentioned. It is my middle age kicking in! lol

I am definitely a much better person today than I used to be. I stand a little straighter, and hold my head a little higher, all because of the colors of the world.

Continuing Story Part 16

As Dahlia realized her time was gone, she stopped her practicing, and as she turned to

leave the kitchen, she heard clapping of hands. She asked who was there, and the deep voice of Drake answered to , it is I, and I think you are doing wonderful with your dance.

Her face turned several shades of red, and she muttered a thank you so low, he had to lean in to hear the words. Drake asked her if she had a moment to speak to him about something that he needed help with. Dahlia said that it was getting late, and she needed to get to bed, but he insisted that it would only take a moment.

She agreed and they both sat down. He explained how this year, he had a bigger class room than last year, and he could really use an assistant to help him grade papers. Dahlia looked towards the voice that was speaking, and she reached out her hand, until she felt his warm arm, and began to rest it upon it, to explain that she didn’t feel like she was qualified in this area, as history was not a major for her.

When Drake felt her soft fingers resting on his arm,  he placed his other hand over hers, and said it was not hard at all. That there was a sheet that the answers were on, and if she followed that, she would be able to help. He didn’t take his hand off of hers immediately, and Dahlia could not force herself to take hers away either. For what seemed minutes, but was only seconds, their hands remain connected, making the kitchen feel quite warm.

It was like someone was calling their names, and they both realized that they were still holding each other, and both jerked their hands away, and they stood up to leave the room. As Dahlia was getting ready to go back to her room, she told Drake she would be glad to help him as his assistant, if he truly felt she could be of help.

Her insides felt like fire and she turned to go,  leaving Drake to stand there alone. She was getting ready to go through the door way, and wasn’t concentrating on her placement of where she was, and she ran straight in to the door frame, knocking her backwards. She fell to the floor, but on the way down she hit the back of a metal chair that was sitting near by, and she cracked her forehead.

Her body slammed to the floor and blood started seeping from her head. Drake rushed over to her and asked her if she was alright, but he did not get any answer. He went to the bathroom and yanked a wash cloth from the shelf and wet it with cold water. He went back to Dahlia who was still lying motionless, and he began to dab at the warm blood, that was beginning to find its way into her hair and onto the floor.

Drake kept talking to her and he shook her head body  trying to get a response from her. Dahlia could feel herself being shaken, and she was beginning to come around, but before her eyes fluttered open, Drake drank in her plump lips with a soft quick kiss, and said to her motionless body, please be alright my dear Dahlia. Please let there be nothing wrong.

Dahlia lied there ever so quietly, leaving her eyes to be closed for a few moments longer. Not wanting him to know that she had been a silent witness to the kiss. Soon, she started to open her eyes, and Drake stood back, and looked at her. She started to get up, and Drake put his strong arms around her shoulders and helped her to sit up straight. He asked her if she was dizzy, and she sat for a second, and stated that she didn’t think so. He asked her if she thought she could stand, and she shook her head yes, so he tucked his arms around her waist and helped her stand, using his fingers to balance her.

Drake walked her to  his parents bedroom and knocked on the door. When the come in was announced, Drake turned the door handle and walked the two into the room and explained what had happened in the kitchen.

Rachel got up and went over and looked at Dahlia’s eyes and head. She didn’t see any swelling and her eyes looked normal. She did make a comment to Ralph to go get the first aid kit. There should be a salve and a band-aid placed on the cut. Ralph went and got the kit and came back. Rachel washed the cut off with soap and water, and put the salve and the band-aid on, and then asked Drake if he could take Dahlia out to the porch swing and sit with her for a half an hour. She explained that a cut to the head could cause swelling and she didn’t want Dahlia to lie down yet and sleep.

Drake didn’t hesitate and he guided Dahlia to the front porch, where they both sat on the swing. It was late, and all that could be heard was the nocturnal animals in the background, and sometimes a cricket could be heard. The loudest noise of all though, that both of them were very alert to was the silence that rang through out the land. They could both hear each others breathing, it was so quiet.

Drake started to move the swing with his feet and soon they were both moving with rhythm  to and fro and he asked her how she was feeling. She touched her hand to the place where the injury was, and she said that she thought she was going to be alright.

Soon conversation was moving along, like a slow train, coming in to town. He asked her about her past, she answered, and then she would question him. Conversation came very easily, once the shyness left the swing. Before both knew it, time had gone from a half hour into two hours. They each heard the others softness in voice, and she asked if it was alright if she went into bed now. She had a big day of school tomorrow and she was already going to be tired when she got up. He stood up and helped her up, and they both went into the house.

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