I am sad right now, and I have no reason to be sad, right? I have set the scales on the table, and spread my feelings on them. I am trying to sort my feelings out and get my act together. I have been down and out for about four hours now, and I hate myself for being this way.
On one side of the scales, I have God, many friends here at WordPress, food on the table, roof over my head, bills are paid, health is not too bad, too heavy though, but I could change that and I ignore it.
On the other side of the scales, sits sadness, alone, lonely, mom and dad are in heaven, four hours a week to get out of this house, no job, don’t see my kids enough, but I could change all this, only by making choices.
It all started on Friday. I was feeling so many feelings. Upbeat, nervous, anxious, excited, kiddish. I had these feelings continue all day Friday and Saturday, and until early afternoon today on Saturday.
I had a phone call Friday. Someone from my past, years and years ago in school, was wanting to pay me a visit. I was flabbergasted, I was so excited, but the closer the time came, the more nervous I got until I had butterflies flying in my stomach big time.
The visit came, the talk was picked up like the last time I had seen this person, and before I knew it, the visit was over. Sadness kicked in out of south field, bringing me down to the bottom step of a high-rise.
I started questioning myself. Yep, I sure did. This visit was a reminder of one of my most happiest times of my life, and I wanted it back again. I wanted the desires of being special to someone once more. I wanted someone’s arms wrapped around me once again. I wanted to be held, comforted, I wanted to have the weight lifted from my shoulders of carrying my responsibilities by myself.
I know the words, I have them memorized. God will show you someone when the time is right. Trust God. I have been waiting for five years, and after today, I wondered why I am alone.
Someone mentioned earlier tonight, that they want to see my peacock feathers spread. To tell you the truth, I don’t know how to spread myself. I can spread money and make it last. I can spread myself to bring hope to others. I can spread my heart wide open to anyone needing loved or comfort, but I can’t spread my feathers, because I have no idea who or what it is that I am to spread.
When people ask me about who I am, my first response is a caregiver. I take care of ill people. This is where God has placed me. Other than that, I don’t know.
Right now, even though this sounds like a huge pity party, it is actually going to heal me to be where I was once before. I will go on. I will keep working with my brother. I will place desires of wanting someone to want to spend their life with me, and I will forget about today and the feelings that came to surface. No, not talking about sex, talking about being needed and wanted. To have someone look into my eyes, and see their love for me. Don’t get me wrong, nothing happened today, but wonderful talk, and visits to memory lane, but it brought to surface my hidden desires.
In reality the scales are out of balance, I can see. I have everything I need, just as God hath promised, but my desires and needs of the heart are still empty. Why can’t I just be satisfied with what I have.
Now hopefully, as I read this over and over, I will sit back and laugh at what a fool I was acting like. Loads of people live alone and love it. I just don’t happen to be one of those, but I will survive, right?
Who I am 
most definitely you will survive, as you roll into the next set of changes in your life… c
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i most definitely will! everyone who knows me well always says, i am such a survivor!!!!
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I am in the position of being in a similar situation to yours but dissimilar at the same time. To be alone for just one day (as I am now because Ming is at music school) is a luxury and, because Ants and I are still the light in each others’ eyes – sort of! – I do feel loved and that is probably what you are missing. Al loves you but doesn’t express it enough and it strikes me that you would like some romance, some excitement, some of the past – I feel your pain and I love you Terry!
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i love you too, Julie. I am getting too darn old to want that romance crap, but sadly, i still do. I can not go back and i have to move forward, writing this blog will hopefully pull me back up
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You are NOT too old!
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the only guys who really seem interested are ones younger than me, and this sucks, because i can not date thirty something year old men. i had one in the store a few days a go, that just started up a conversation, and i could tell he was looking at me in an interested way, but he looked to be in his thirties
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Terry you are so very hard on yourself…read back and look at all the digs you take at yourself for how you feel and what you are going through it’s okay to feel what you are feeling anyone would. one thing you said, is when people ask who you are, you said caregiver. you are a person first with needs, feelings, wants…etc. you give care, it sounds like that’s how you define yourself “caregiver” there is much more to you than that. xo
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thank you my friend. i need to be me first, i have to, i need a long vacation……..hopefully i will pull myself back on top after i read this again. i don’t know why being needed by someone is so darn important to me. i should be satisfied
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why should you be satisfied? who told you you “should be?” i don’t think there’s a person in the world who doesn’t need someone. xo
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according to people who believe in god, i should be satisfied with what i have, and accept that maybe i will have to wait or maybe have no one at all, and i don’t want to be satisfied
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Terry, I agree with buckwheatsrisk. You are too hard on yourself! I can tell you from experience, it is better to be alone than alone with someone who makes you miserable. I was a single parent for 12years and really didn’t want to get married again. Evidently God did. I made my list of character traits I thought God would want for me. Prayed for 4 years. I have been married to Mark now for 9 years. We are complete opposites except he fit every one of those traits I requested. Make a list. check it twice. ask God.
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i go through those dating web sites? and i gaze at the photos and i gag. most are bald or fat. i know it isn’t what is on the outside that counts, but first looks do matter. they either drink socially or ride motorcycles. a lot of them want to have fun. i am not like that. i don’t drink or ride motorcycles. i think i am too stuffy. hehe. all i want,,,,,,,,,is someone who is nice, has god in his life, and knows what priorities are
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Terry, don’t try to equate what you do with who you are. You are a child of God first and foremost – a daughter of the King of kings. That makes you a princess. You are seated with Christ in the heavenly places (Ephesians 2:6). You have been chosen by the Father. You are called by Jesus to become like Him. And the things you do contribute to that transformation of your life – a lifetime process. You are blessed even when you have down times. And we all have those times. Don’t beat yourself up over them, but also don’t stay in those downers (and I know you won’t). Always remember that you are loved – by Jesus, by Al, your family, and by us – your supporters here who cheer you on day by day. Life may not always look the way we would like it to, but it looks the way God wants it to. And that is far better.
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yes, you are right, so why don’t i keep that in my utmost mind? i am acting like such an idiot. just lonely i guess
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Terry, you are not acting like an idiot!!! Please don’t ever think that is how I see you. I just want you to see that you have worth that is not measured by what you do but by who you are. I can understand that you are lonely. We all seek companionship with others because we were not created to be alone. You do nothing wrong by desiring that companionship. The need to be loved by someone special is a valid one and shared by every human being. And I know what it is to want something that seems to be forever withheld. You know God’s way is best, but it doesn’t make the longings go away. You are in my prayers, and I pray that the Lord will give you the desires of your heart in His time.
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I never thought that you saw me as an idiot, I saw myself as this, wanting something that evidently god doesn’t want me to have, and then allowing myself to get so sad about it. u r a wonderful person and i love talking to you
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Terry, just because the Lord hasn’t given you your heart’s desire yet doesn’t mean it’s not what He wants for you. Perhaps the most important thing right now is looking after Al and you wouldn’t have the quality time to give to develop a lasting relationship with someone just yet. But in His perfect timing, the Lord will fill your longings.
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that is exactly what i tell myself most of the time. god is just waiting until i am no longer caring for Al. sounds easy enough, doesn’t it…..lol thanks for being always here for me…………your friendship is somthing i value very much
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I hope this Super Sweet Bloggers Award will brighten your day. I think you really deserve it. Follow the link for details: http://jimmyandcha.wordpress.com/2012/09/03/thank-you/
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thank you so much. It has greatly helped. I will pay you credit with this tomorrow since it is midnite now. thank you again!!!!!!!!! it did make me smile to know that you think I am sweet!!!
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You are welcome!
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My heart and prayers go out to you…. 😀
Pink.
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thank you Pink, I am better this morning, thankfully……….
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A good night’s sleep I find, often answers our fatigue…. 😀
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it did for those hours……………
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Love and hugs, sweet Angel Terry. You just keep those desires before God. There is nothing wrong with you wanting to share your life with someone else! I want that for you too!!! Someone that will cherish you and care for you and love you like He wants you to be loved. God knows and now we know too and can pray with you! 🙂
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thank you Debbie, there is a part of me that feels guilty for having this desire. i should be looking at it a different way. if god wanted me to have someone, he would help me after five years, but he has not, so maybe i am not supposed to have anyone or as of yet
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(hugs) — it is hard sometimes, but glad you try to find the good
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thank you for the hug. i don’t know why i feel like i have to have a mate. i have so many wonderful friends, and god and my brother, but something is still missing
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Terry, I believe these are the feelings that will crack us open to allow the fullness of light that God has placed within us to be more visible to ourselves and others. You are brave to share these gifts so freely. It is an honor to receive them and add them to my own. Thank you for being true to your feelings and not sanitizing them to make others comfortable. z
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thank you for saying this. i hesitated so long before i wrote them down. i didn’t want anyone to know that i could feel this vulnerable, but I needed to do it to help myself heal. for me, being alone, is the ultimate sadness. i know it should not be, but i was not meant to walk this earth alone, as so many others may feel this way also
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you are most welcome. I will keep you in my prayers.
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🙂
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I had me a “Pity Party” for a few days last week…I heard a still voice remind me that I needed to regroup and look around
me at “all I do have”!…and be grateful for the love of those who are near…A perfect life was never promised…but,
my eyes were opened… and my heart became open to the joys that are presented every day…I decided to get out and
look at the simple pleasures that are mine…That doesn’t mean I don’t still have desires…but, have put them in
perspective…knowing “HIS Will” be done can help me through my low days…each day is new…and we are the ones
to make the choice…stay in the sadness…or look toward the sunshine …You are a good lady Terry… and remember
that special someone will see that some day…
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i am glad i wrote it last night, other wise my mind would still be consumed with sadness, my desires are still here, but back to where i was before yesterday. i hate my pity parties but sometimes they sneak in!!! thank you Marilyn for this great comment!
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I hope you do more than survive Terry….I know that God wants to give you the desires of your heart. At the moment you are putting those ‘desires’ for a more ‘personal’ life on hold but at the right timing I believe that you should and will have those things that you long for. Follow your heart and your instincts….Diane
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thank you Diane, i sure am hoping
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I think Marilyn has something in looking for the things she already has. I think when we can be truly grateful for what we have, we put ourselves in the place where the Lord can give us what we desire. He gives us our desires as well as fulfills them. From time to time He will change our desires or reshape them a little so they fit in with His plans for us. When we are willing for His will to be accomplished in our lives over our own will, we will eventually find that satisfaction we so long for though it may look different to what we had imagined. But then we will be able to acknowledge that it was way better than we had pictured.
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i have looked at what i have and am very grateful, but for some reason i still am lonely………………but i am trying………..
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I have had the roll of caregiver thrust upon me over the years because I “am the strong one”. I have come to hate that label. Not that I would not do things any different – I still would have cared for my father, mother, mother in law, aunt and now husband, but at times I felt so alone too – actually still do at times, even though I had my husband and kids close by. I cried myself to sleep many nights, escaped in books, my computer games and those facebook apps, anything to get away. Like you I was on empty and felt as if for over 10 yrs God was not hearing me. But through it all God did hear and He called to me – I listened and found myself on a spiritual journey with a mentor, guiding me through all of this and all my feelings that was spilling out in anger bursts. You are not on a pity party, but a path to healing. I don’t know how God will answer your cries to Him, but He will bring healing to your soul. Your desires are God’s desires for you and yes you will survive! Spiritual hugs my new friend – and if you ever need an ear to listen, I am right here. I know you love your brother and are where you need to be, but we are all human – the responsibility can wear us down. I understand. I care. Patty
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i felt a sob release from me as I read this. maybe it is because what u speak is the truth. i have tried so hard and i am so tired, but i promised my dad i would look after my brother when dad was dying. how can i fail him and also my brother and even myself……………….the guilt is eating me up
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Terry I felt the same way. My aunt passed away a few months ago, and I feel so much guilt for the feelings I had while taking care of her. It seems I spent most of my life caring for others – first as a daughter to my alcoholic father and fast forward 45 yrs…to today. We are human with human pain and feelings. I found a release in my tears that I held in for so long, I hope you do too, you know no one gave me permission to cry (I was always the strong one) until my spiritual mentor told me it was ok to cry, so Terry it is ok to cry…. My heart is with you and I send you spiritual hugs.
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your faith is inspiring and i would never disrespect your belief’s. i do wonder though when someone is waiting for god to intervene if god may be saying i have given you the tools now use them? we are social beings and it is normal to seek out not just friendships but intimate relations. by intimate i mean a relationship where you know someone and they know you in a way that others don’t.
i read your blog about the kitty and al, it is heartbreaking. you seem to think god wants you to sacrific and take care of your brother at the expense of yourself. is it possible you are getting messages every day that your brother needs professional care? it is so sad that you and he are unhappy. what are you afraid of? if he wasn’t there you would have to something very scary, you would have to get out there and be vulnerable. when we are seeking out friendships and life partners it can be so frightening we are immobilized.
my thoughts are with you and i wish for you to find peace of heart, mind and soul.
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afraid of? the truth? uh, failure, failing him, failing my dad’s last wishes, not being able to do what i was supposed to do
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ok let’s just cover the promise to your dying father first. if your father had realized just what he was asking you to do he never would have asked it of you.
i have chosen, and talked to hubby about this, not to go into a hospital unless it is very clear what the purpose is and what can be expected by their intervention. in my living will it states that he is not required by law to call anyone until it is over. this has been my last wish. last weekend we were driving back from dinner with friends and he said he needed to be very clear on what i did or did not want him to do.
i realized that this was being so unfair to him since he is the one to live with the consequences of my choice. as hard as it was i told him i understand how difficult this might be for him and encouraged him to take whatever action he could live with. if your dad could have looked forward and seen the hardship he was committing you to he would have thought a bit longer and maybe not have put you in this situation.
as i sayed earlier you are like the rest of us. we want to share our life with a someone special who makes us feel special. there is nothing wrong with that. wish i could give you a good shake and a big hug;)
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i read your reply three times, and then i c my dad lying there dying………….you are probably right, if dad knew Al was going to have the heart attack, if dad knew Al was going to get the Parkinson’s……………if Al was like he was when dad was alive, I could probably pull it all off, but things have changed….and not for the better………………….thank u for talking to me, you have released some of the pressures i have been carrying
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Being a caregiver is one of the highest callings that we can be given… to help pthers who canot help themselves is a tremndous responsibility and privilege. If done from a heart of love it is one of the greatest living testimonies of Christ that we have on earth. Lord bless you… all you do is not in vain.
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thank you dear brother……………….your comment means the world to me
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I hope that God has someone very special in store for you. I know He gave us free will, but sometimes He does not give us a choice. I pray that whatever He has waiting for you that you will be happy once again.
Hugs, Barb.
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thank you Barb, I wish I didn’t have the desires to have someone in my life, but I do…………
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I have to say that I envy your ability to share your feelings.
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oh that is so sweet of you to say Ankur! You can do it to, just write the true feelings and the rest flows………………………..thank u so much!!!!!! i go through a lot of emotions caring for my brother, and people tell me i wear my feelings on my sleeve for all to see
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