Saturday, the caregiver from the new Home Health Care agency came, and gave Al his shower. She did a fantastic job and Al seemed to like her. We had also later in the early afternoon, taken him to the ER to see why he was limping so bad. He had a bakers cyst on the back of his knee, and it had grown a little, but no one will take it off, as the rehab is so aggressive, they stated Al would end up in a wheelchair much sooner, from not being able to walk, from lack of the therapy.
We came home and he was teary, and a little whiny, and as the day drew closer to an end, he became more sad and irritated from his pains. I had asked the family doctor if there was some medication that we could change to, because he was suffering from so much pain in his legs from the Parkinson’s Disease, but the doctor said no, there was nothing else, that was compatible with his heart medications.
As the evening became longer, Al turned into arguing and crying and asking so many questions that he had asked several times in the past. I tried to be patient, but after two hours of explaining myself over and over, I had a big basketball size headache, the back of my neck was throbbing and my two shoulders felt very stiff.
I told him I had to quit, that I was not able to answer his questions to his satisfaction, and there was nothing else I could do. I explained that after bed time medications, I would prefer to turn the television off and he could go to his own bedroom and watch his television and lie down to rest his legs. Even as the snacks came and went and I watched him make it safely to his room, the tears still continued to fall.
I went to my room and started praying. I told God I was sorry that I could not find the way to calm Al, that I could not get the tears to shut off. I told God I was afraid for myself, afraid that I would suffer from a stroke or heart attack, due to the constant stress. I asked him to guide me, and to forgive me for my sins of the day, and to help bring me sleep and rest.
This morning I awoke, and I did not say anything to Al when he came out to the kitchen. Today he managed to put his frozen french toast in the microwave and pour his own juice and milk. I just had to get his morning medications for him. I spent time on my emails, answering them, while he ate.
After he was finished he came over to the living room and laid down on the couch. Before long, the tears started again. I let out a sigh, as I did not want to start this again on a brand new day. I had tried my best to look nice, as today, I was going to be allowed to go get groceries, while the caregiver stayed here and showered Al and watched over him until I was back.
I will admit, it was nice to think about what I was buying. To remember what was in my cupboards and freezer, and to be able to look for sale items. Al did start the crying and letting me know about his pains. He wanted to know what he did to deserve all this and why I could not fix it. By the time the caregiver arrived, my shoulders and neck were hurting again.
I explained to the aid, that I needed more help. I needed the RN to get a hold of me to see if there was possibly something better for pain or even to help him forget about himself for a while. She is to call in about a half an hour. We chatted for a few minutes, while Al laid on the couch and wailed to the aid about his aches and pains. I just wanted to escape. I took my achy shoulders and neck with me, and left as soon as I could.
When I arrived home, Al was lying on the couch, and had a half-smile on his face. The aid actually came with me to the car to help bring the groceries in. Now that totally impressed me to the max!
Once inside I sat talking to her and signing the papers,showing she had been here, and she said that the two of them had chatted most of the time after the shower was over. She said that she had to help him get in and out of the shower chair, but this was no surprise to me, as I do to help in that area.
She went on to say, that he told her all about Storage Wars, and American Pickers shows. She said that they talked about coca cola, and the tears had dried up, and there was a tiny smile.
I finished up with her and walked her to her car, stating that this made me so sad. She said, what makes you sad, and I said that he does not cry with you, and he talks, and even smiles. She explained that he did cry in the shower, but then it stopped. She said she forced him to change the subject from him to something else, but she agreed that he needs a different medication for short periods of tears and complaining, like maybe Xanex, and I agreed.
I became sad because I want to be with Al without all of the tears also. I want him to smile when he is with me.I want him to be able to talk to me like I am his sister and not his dad. She explained that he was the same as when I was a young mommy with kids, that kids are always better with outside family members, then with mom and dad. She said it is no different here. I sort of understood, but I didn’t like it. I felt like I do all the spoiling of him, cleaning up poop, showering, dressing, all of it, and all I get is tears, whining, and complaining.
I am trying to see it as she is saying it, but it is a slow process. I do know that if for some reason, home health care does not work, there will be no other choices to go to, and I will have to make different arrangements. I am willing to give it a chance though, and I will continue to ask for patience from God while we journey this new path in the road.
- Tears. (babyiadoreyou.wordpress.com)
- A Touching Story (johndeornellas.wordpress.com)
- This is the Way the World Ends (allthstrangehrs.wordpress.com)