And May You Stay Forever Young...

Al woke up today in a fairly good mood. I didn’t see any frowns or grins, no chatter and no tears. I call it the mellow stage. He ate his breakfast and then I washed him up and made his bed, and emptied the commode.

He then came out on the couch and sat down, and soon the first therapist arrived. She  makes Al work hard, I think, and although no words are spoken, I can tell he is not a happy camper.

When she is getting ready to go to her next patient, he takes her back to his bedroom and   they’re talking for several moments. I could not tell what was being said, but I could hear voices. When they came out, he sat back down, and I walked her to the door and followed her outside, asking her if he was alright, and she said he is just sad.

Just sad, do you know how much I hate those two little words? The last time I really saw him in an excellent mood was back in May at his big birthday party.  I told her good-bye, and said we would see her next week.

He stayed this way from then until now and is still the same. The second therapist came, and she works harder at trying to get Al to smile then any exercises. I think she was taking a mental break from his teary eyes, and asked me what I do, and I told her I write, and she asks what do you write. I just happened to have the poem here that I wrote last evening called, Dedicated To My Brother, and I offered it to her if she would care for a sample of my writings.

I heard her make a small moan from her throat and then I saw two tears run down her face. She handed it back to me, and said she loved it and that I should publish it. I blushed, as I always do when I get a compliment, and said thank you.

She then turned back to Al and I actually left then. I got in my car and ran to the bank real quick and then went and got gas. I had forgotten how quickly I can do things when you are not waiting on someone else to get out of the car etc.

When I returned, I asked Al what kind of exercises he had done and he said something I didn’t recognize and so I asked again, and he said he didn’t know. The therapist laughed and told me what they were called, and I asked Al if he enjoyed them and he didn’t say anything.

The rest of the time she was here, she tried kidding with him and doing her best to get a smile on his face. He just wasn’t budging, in fact he was going on to her about how he felt like he was worthless to everyone around him. She went on to try to pump him up and tell him all that he could still do, the same things that I try also day after day, but there was nothing. He stared at his lap with no tears and no expression.

I almost think I would rather have him yelling at me then to see this face. All I can do is to remember the neurologist said last week, that the part of the brain that connects with feelings is gone……………………

26 thoughts on “Mellow

  1. I’m sorry to hear Al is not so happy today. I pray that he will have beautiful dreams at night which would connect him to the Lord in a new way and that he would remember them when he wakes up. And that they will give him the biggest smiles ever!


    • this would be so wonderful Diane, if he could have beautiful dreams at night. if he could see himself in his dreams as a child once again, running and playing, with no cares or sadness. thank you so much for your comment


  2. Sad to read that Al had a blue day today – I can understand that is was difficult when you don’t get any response from Al. Maybe he just put his mind to … not having a great day and make it so difficult as possible for everyone else too. Maybe the answer will come tomorrow. He probably “pissed off” with all the “training” he has to do.


    • you know…………….i wondered that for a moment, if he was just upset about the training,,,,,,,,,,with him anymore it is hard to tell, but i do remember what the doctor said last week about that part of his brain not working any longer, and i don’t think he can help it, because when i try to push him to smile, he will cry and say he is trying


      • Terry, just let him be in his mood – hard to say what works and not works with him. Maybe he wants to have attention – who knows. To be honest if I where blue and everybody around me tried to make me smile and were on my case afor not being “normal” I will be very moody too. Just let him be, Terry – don’t worry about – I’m sure he will tell you if something seriously is going on with him.


  3. just keep reminding yourself that you are not responsible for his moods. as the dr. said it is neurological and frankly he may just be sad and that is his choice. you try so hard and take on so much responsibility.

    be as kind to yourself as you are to others:)


    • this is what i tell myself every day. he can not help it, he can not help it. it reminds me of The Wizard of Oz, I want to go home, I want to go home, click the red shoes three times……………..sorry, but I can not help myself tonight, I am not wanting to cry before going to bed


  4. I also thought the poem you wrote last was the best…It really showed and told a lot … It seems these are as good as it gets…as they say…Not what we want…but, OK!…
    I still think having the therapy in it’s own way gives him some kind of hope…mkg


  5. Terry, I wonder, since he can read the Bible, if you could get him to read the Psalms each day outloud to you. They offer great comfort, and maybe in doing this it would encourage himself and you and help change his mood. It might even give you openings to conversations that would help him understand how much God loves him and is helping him.


    • that is a great idea, but the problem is he doesn’t understand the bible anymore, he only goes on his memory. he goes through the pages of his bible and has no idea any longer what they are trying to say, but ………..he does know that reading the bible is a good thing, it is complicated, so i let him alone in this area, for fear he will get upset and not read it at all


      • I understand that. That was the thought of Psalms because it reads like beautiful poetry with images of rivers, trees, animals and others things of nature that might come to mind for Al. I use to read it to my girls for art time in homeschool and have them draw pictures of the things mentioned in the verses. It helped them process the words into pictures that they could look at even if they couldn’t understand what it was saying. Often afterwards I would ask them how they felt when they looked at the picture they drew and colored, and more than once their feelings were exactly what the verses were saying. They loved this when they were even 2 up to their teen years.


  6. I do not know what it would be like to not have feelings or not to be able to connect to them. What a challenging time you are both going through. My prayers go out to you and your brother.



    • it is difficult for him and for me, as he tries so hard to express himself, and inside i have to try to figure out what he is saying, but on the other hand, if he sees politicians on television, it is like he has them all figured out, and he makes his point quite clear to me!!! he doesn’t understand why he has PD, but neither do I, and he doesn’t understand why the pain will not leave since he prays and reads his bible, this part of his mind is very hard to work with for me, because I also do not have the answers……………thank you for your nice comment…


  7. Okay terry am saying this with love he still does obviously have some link to his feelings or he couldn’t feel sad..he is determined to be stubborn because as you have said before he doesn’t like change anf the therapists are a big change, tears won’t work on them like you (you just said in he didn’t cry with her just blankness) he is in child mode convinced if he does not co – operate they will go away and he can have his routine and own way again stick with it once he realises being stubborn won’t work you never know he might actually try harder – tough love remember


    • PD is full of side effects, and the number two side effect is depression. he tells me all the time he does not know why he is said but he just is, he does have a stubborn streak, this is for sure, and he will show me anger, but this sadness is separate from his anger. he cries and speaks of death and wanting to die with his therapists, and he also tells them when the exercise hurts him. i don’t know, you are right and i am right, it is hard finding the middle, when the facts are his brain is no longer working properly due to the PD. thanks so much for your caring reply


    • thank you for letting me know how you feel about my poetry. that is so kind. i would not know where to put it, since i am not a professional. Al has been smiling today, and this is nice!


  8. The therapist paid you great tribute about your poem. I am so sorry Al is so sad. You just have to remember that it is his illness, not you or his environment. It just is what it is.
    God Bless you.


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