A Blind Walk

There was a small child’s bible that I was given on my tenth birthday, and I used to look at all the pictures in it more than actually read it at that age. There was always this one picture that stood out in my mind, and it was the one where Jesus was kneeling, looking up to the heavenly father praying.

I found myself reliving that picture this morning as soon as my eyes were opened, before I even thought about climbing out of bed to make my pot of coffee. I made the bed and got Al’s medications ready for his breakfast, and poured his milk and orange juice in his two-handled cups.

I found myself crying inside. I could feel the internal shivers weeping from the sadness over flowing from the heart. As I walked through the kitchen attending to the needs of my brother, I heard my soul crying out to the Lord,  please don’t leave me now. Please keep your promise that you will not let me have more than I can deal with.

As I am sitting here letting my secrets of my heart seep out for your eyes to read, I say a prayer for everyone who lives on this earth, that they also, do not suffer more than need be. The news at the doctor’s office yesterday, is slowly starting to sink in. The brain has a unique way of taking small bites of information and chewing them up slowly, as to not go into over load.

I see my daddy’s eyes all over again, and although my right mind knows that there is no ending date  for my brother, it is very easy to refer from the one who passed to the one who is sick.

There are no tears this morning, and there were none shed last night. I am not sure why I have so much trouble crying anymore. There has only been a couple of times, where my emotions took over me and the floods of my soul came pouring out,  covering my face with moisture. For some unknown reason, not crying can help me pretend that everything is alright. I can go forth one more day, and then one more day. I believe that God holds my hand, like my daddy did when he would get up in the mornings, and he would lift me out of my crib and take my hand, and we would walk down the long stair case to the kitchen. I can see my heavenly father doing this for me right now. I can feel his strength wrapping me in a cocoon, and he is lying his hands on me, telling me, my child, everything is going to be alright. I am preparing a better place for your brother, and at the perfect time, he will be ready when I call out to him.

My heavenly father, I want to thank you for giving me the best life that you have given me so far. Thank-you for allowing me the chance to have wonderful parents, and for having beautiful children. I want to give thanks to you, Lord, for giving me the opportunity to care for my father the entire year while he suffered with his bone cancer, and now you bless me once again, by letting me care for another family member. Help me to retain all of my memories, so that when this road comes to a stop, I can go back in my mind, and smile at all the wonderful things that you blessed Al and me with.

Suffer my little children, so that you may come unto me. Through our suffering here on earth, you are making a  place for us in your kingdom. I praise your name, and although I do not understand your reasons, I will keep trusting you Lord. Amen.

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