Mind Over Body


How can a person who has what they need in life be so emotional? I woke up this morning

After Dorothy's departure, Blanche, Rose and S...

early to the bell jingling from Al, letting me know he is awake. I have never done this before, but I told him it is so early, couldn’t he just go back to sleep for a tad longer? He said nothing but the room got quiet and he did not get up for another forty-five minutes, so I lay back down in my bed and snuggled up under the warm blankets.

I lay there, but immediately my mind started doing the same crap it does so many times when my body is not physically busy. It spins, it won’t settle, it starts going back in time and moving quickly, like watching a tornado come your way, to the front and center.

I hate it, I hate it so bad. I never go back in time too early. I never revisit my childhood. It always goes back to the time when dad was ill. I relive the wonderful times that I was privileged to take care of him while he was sick. My mind goes over the mean woman, that went from nice to meaner than the wicked witch of the west from the Wizard Of Oz, when she found out he had bone cancer. I relive every word, every action she did  and I watched my father fall between the cracks with her, while I tried so hard to remind him that he could leave her clutches and go back home, that I would care for him.

I then move up to five years ago when I started caring for my brother. The guilt that I carry because in the beginning, it was not the special love I had for my dad that would keep no one from doing what I was doing for dad, but now I was caring for my brother, because he needed me.

There was never a great bond between my brother and me growing up, and I can not feel guilt over this, as we were taught not to bond, to just sit and behave. Now four years later, I will do anything to keep my brother happy and safe, even tell dentists off!

How can I sit here only being up two hours and want to cry my eyes out? How can I feel this way when I have my bills paid, and Al is confused but in good spirits, and there is food on the table, and I have so many good friend. How can I be so darn selfish?

It is a pity party, isn’t it? Sometimes I believe it is, and other times, I am not so sure. It seems to be something that just pops up out of nowhere. Maybe it is the holidays coming, maybe it is the stress of wondering how I am going to buy groceries for the Thanksgiving meal, or get the items needed for our new make and bake Christmas.

I worry too darn much, but can’t seem to quit doing it, and I get so disgusted with myself, I want to just go hide under my blankets and go back to sleep. I have no right nor reason to feel this way, but here I am, ready to sob but can not force the tears to come.

I am doing a load of laundry, and I have gotten Al through his breakfast and medications. I even have my favorite television running in the background, The Golden Girls, and I have changed Al’s wet bed and have emptied and cleaned the commode, but inside, I want to sleep.

I have so much to be thankful for, so where is my smile. I so wish I would knock this crap off. I am mourning, I am mourning for the loss of my parents, the loss of a once close sister, the loss of all that was once so common and familiar.

I can not change it, I can not bring back what once was, and I know as I sit here, life will never be the same. I just want to stop, pick up my heart, lift the corners of my lips into a smile, and get excited about the day, but so far it is not happening.

So if I know what I have, why am I allowing this to happen. Hopefully, it will change before noon arrives.

49 thoughts on “Mind Over Body

  1. It is stress and weariness Terry. Allow yourself times when you don’t feel up to being ‘chippy and cheerful’. I know you are thankful for all in spite of the difficulties. So don’t worry if you’re not ‘up’ all the time. It’s understandable…Diane

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  2. Terry why are you so hard on yourself for how you feel? It’s okay to be sad. You’ve had a lot of loss that you likely haven’t had time to grieve or deal with. You may even be struggling with PTSD over your Father, it sounds like it. Sweet Terry, give yourself a break! There is nothing wrong with feeling how you’re feeling, in fact it’s healthy. love and hugs.

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  3. It sounds like you are a little emotionally stretched out. You need some time that is exclusively for you and not feel guilty about it. If it helps, look at it this way – if you fall ill, who will take care of your brother than? Better to take a day or a few off now.

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  4. Terry, you need time out now …. you have to get away from it all .. for a couple of days.
    Just to sleep and be free from all the MUST. Have you looked into that possibility. Otherwise fake a breakdown … because you’re going to get it much sooner than later. You need to spend time yourself. Easy for me to . say .. that only have myself to look after .. and have my freedom.
    Still there must be some way you could get a break. Because you’re suffering now

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  5. Oh Terry, I know exactly where you are. I know how hard it is but I have actually scraped up the guts to take a couple of days off. I have have been so tired and absolutely emotionally drained. It was so bad that it was not in Vic’s interest for me to take a break. TRY!!

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    • i would give anything to find a caregiver relief person, for even 24 hours……….i think i just need a break terribly. i am so happy for you that you received your much needed break!!!!!! hugs to you

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  6. Sometimes you just gotta let it all out and have a good cry and let the worries have a little free rein..depression will come if you try to bottle everything up and not let it out. i have days where i envy my four year old the freedom he has to throw himself on the floor and scream blue murder. Yes previous generations put on a smile and hide all the bad emotions but guess what the more we have learnt to show all our motions the longer life expectancy has become! Let you body guide you if it needs to let off some pressure then let it and don’t feel guilty about it xx

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    • Paula, just the thought of a child laying on the floor and throwing a fit, makes me so envious. lol and when the child gets done with their fit, they go back to smiling. you know what……….you are such a genius…………………you have pointed something out to me that needs to be pointed out. thank you

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  7. You are very hard on yourself. We all have bad days and pretending we don’t doesn’t help (how else would we appreciate the good days). Would it help to tell Al that you are very tired at the moment? I know he is very caught up in his own misery right now and confused too, but even children understand when adults feel ill. Could Al cope with allowing you to stay in bed for a while whilst he is watching tv or spending time in his room. A few hours kip would probably do you the world of good and you would be able to hear if he called. Tell him you are not feeling too good, it would be the truth. Not sure if this would be acceptable, but do think of yourself too.

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    • you know what………i could not take it anymore today, and instead of doing odd jobs around the house when Al napped, I did too. I ended up sleeping two hours. although i feel a little droggy, it was two hours of not having to think. thank u for being here for me and being such a wonderful friend

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      • I’m so glad you got some rest. Your body was clearly telling you needed it. I hope you feel better and remember they advise new Mums to sleep when the baby does. I know Al isn’t a baby, but your caring role is making similar demands physically and stress wise. Don’t ever feel guilty about taking a daytime sleep when you can get one. It is better for you and for Al that you look after yourself too.

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  8. I think it’s called depression. You have been handling so much–it’s got to come out of somewhere. The road you are on is tough and you are doing it but that doesn’t mean the challenge of it all is not going to hit between the eyes on occasion. Even Jesus asked God, Matthew 26:39 “My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass away from me. Yet, not as I will, but as you will.” If Jesus felt overwhelmed at the task before, why wouldn’t you feel the same way on occasion.

    It’s okay to feel sad and want to cry even if you know you are blessed with your mind—your heart still carries the weight of the burdens…..

    🙂

    Ivonne

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  9. Hey T….
    having just been where you are at, I can only do the same for you, and listen and be there, it does not make you a bad person, it just means your human with emotions. Sometimes as Caregivers, it’s the hardest thing we do, because we stuff our emotions to care for our loved ones. It’s ok, (as you told me) to feel this way, but like you told me, don’t stay there to long. I truly believe a road trip will be in the works here shortly….
    Hugs
    J

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    • i slept half the afternoon a way while Al did too. that helped, sleeping makes me forget crap, ya know??? i need to get freakin groceries so darn bad, and thought i was going to sneak a way for the important crap, until i found out the furnace man is coming in the morning SOMETIME, now i can’t even go to the store. it just pisses me off so bad! the grocery store!!!! u think i m asking for gold????? lol

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  10. I believe the best thing you can do for yourself is to release in your writings as you are doing…you are not hurting anyone…no one is judging you…and we all here in blogger world
    know what you are having to do…and the stress you are feeling…so let it out to us!…we read…give a few words of advice…and then you can go on with whatever you need to do…
    It’s the best escape anyone could have…and you will have those days someday to do anything you want…so don’t wish these days away too soon…mkg

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    • i will admit, i have pondered on how long i would have made it caring for my brother, if i did not have my blogging and blogging friends………………………you have made such a difference to Al’s life. he still talks about meeting you and the coca cola hat!!!!

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  11. Stop harassing yourself, Terry. You are exhausted and not getting enough sleep and your life is very hard because of caring for Al. You are human having to be a superhero. It’s not fair.

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  12. Grieving that loss of what we hoped for in life is important. Denying it only makes it worse. There is nothing wrong with bereaving what you miss(ed) in your life. It’s perfectly normal and not to be brushed aside by ‘what if’ it could be worse. You deal with your emotions as they come, the waves that they are, and before you know it, you arrive at new shores again. You’re incredible. Even the emotions you don’t like. 😀

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    • thank you Pink. these are awesome words telling me it is alright to grieve and mourn when it comes upon me. i try to shove it back because it has been almost five years, but evidently it is still popping up sometimes………….thanks again my friend for these kind words

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      • Totally yes, so important too! They say grief is like a swimming pool that you must suck through a straw until its dry. So it will ebb and flow but to let it out is important in order to be able to empty that cup of water so full of grief. You’re amazing.. just remember that no matter how awful you may feel at times… those are just low moments. But they don’t define you…

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  13. Matthew 6:27…it’s kind of blunt (not trying to be anything but caring) but it addresses what you’ve mentioned here. You’re doing a great job, Terry! I am sure it is very hard to not worry, but try not to do so. It only steals your joy. Blessings..

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  14. I’m rather behind on reading your posts. I haven’t been on the computer for a couple of days, but I’m trying to get at least partially caught up.

    Terry, when our bodies are exhausted we become very vulnerable where our emotions are concerned. It is like they are on the edge of a precipice and ready at the least little thing to spill over in tears–even something nice can trigger it. As to grieving your father’s death, you really didn’t have enough time to go through the process before you had Al to look after and your whole life had to take a different turn. Whenever you realize you are worrying about anything, consciously give it over to the Lord and ask Him to do your worrying for you. Tell Him that you trust Him to look after everything. You may not stop worrying right away, but if you continue to do this, I believe you will find yourself trusting Him more and worrying less. I’m so glad you had a couple of hours sleep. Singing praise to the Lord can also do a lot to lift our spirits. I know it’s hard to sing when we don’t feel like it, but as you know so well, we don’t always do things because we feel like it but because we have no other choice.

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    • this is very good advice Diane, and I will try at least humming a song or two. I want to add that I have missed seeing you!!! thank you for sharing your thoughts with me my friend!

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      • You are most welcome. I am still not finished all the cleaning etc. in my apartment though I am certainly much closer to being finished than I was a week ago. On Saturday I shampooed my dining room carpet and scrubbed the kitchen and bathroom floors. I am still sorting through papers to see what I can eliminate either to be shredded or put in the recycling. It is a time-consuming job, but I am feeling good about how much I have accomplished. Robyn has been away for over a week house sitting for her parents, so it has been easier to accomplish everything. I expect her home soon. Her parents’ flight was cancelled because of the hurricane and they were ‘stranded’ in New York. Actually they have relatives there so it wasn’t too bad. I’m not sure if they are home yet or not.

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  15. You are only human after all! You feel what you feel, and that’s nothing to be ashamed of. I would probably be suicidal in the same situation, so I admire your strength.

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