Daily Prompt/The Daily Post

Daily Prompt

Illustration of the Parkinson disease by Sir W...

Illustration of the Parkinson disease by Sir William Richard Gowers from A Manual of Diseases of the Nervous System in 1886 showing the characteristic posture of PD patients (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

by Michelle w. on November 1, 2012

When was the last time you felt really, truly lonely?

Last night, actually I felt lonely, right as I was lying down to go to sleep. I try so hard to not look at myself as a big pity party with only entertaining one guest, myself, and I am not even sure if I qualify for the word pity.

Caring for my brother, who has been in my care almost five years. This will be five years in January 2013. Dealing with mentally impairment, heart attacks and angina, and now, Parkinson’s Disease. Life  becomes over whelming most of the time.

It is described as a little snow ball rolling down the hills until it becomes so large, the city can see it if they look in this direction. It started out, that I was able to still work while Al, my brother was ill. He worked also, at a linen company, sorting mops. It was a nasty job, just plain nasty, and in my eyes, it was the bottom of the pit job, and he never climbed out of it, but with his mentality, he saw it as a paycheck and nothing more, nothing less. He did this for nine years, with very little pay increase.

When January rolled around, from which we had buried our father only three weeks prior, Al had a heart attack. I was still able to work a little while longer. I was and am still considered a professional caregiver, and I was at the time, caring for an elderly couple on the weekends as a live in. Al was recovering nicely, but when it came time to go back to work, he could not pull his weight in work.

The company was so good to him, even though he made little money or given nice raises. They cared about him. They let him return three times, but then they called me into the office, and with tears in their eyes, they let me know they had to let him go, because although they liked him very much, he could not do even fifty percent of the quota.

This changed things. I retired from my job and started caring for Al. With no money coming in  for him, and no job, and not really having any idea how to run a house hold, it took my entire waking hours to make everything work.

From the heart attack came excessive mental baggage of not understanding why he could not do the things he used to do, then more heart problems, angina. We dealt with this for some time and  even had to move, because walking stairs to his bedroom was too much for him.

Now we have been dealing with the progressive Parkinson’s for two years, and for him, it has sped very fast from the beginning, now leaving him in the fifth stage. You deal with many issues with Parkinson’. Freezing up of legs,tremors, choking, tears, unable to control urine, constipation, scooters, walkers, canes, many doctor’s appointments with different specialists. The emotional part is probably the worst of the disease. Hearing him constantly talk about wanting to die, why isn’t God letting him die, hearing he is sick and the disease is destroying him.

A part of his brain has shut down. The part that lets you see joy and happiness, so mostly Al sees only himself, and his pain, which is a constant in his life. I can sit here and listen, help, watch, guide, explain, but at the end of the day, Parkinson’s will win this game, and Al and I will lose.

So at the end of the day when I have him safely tucked in bed, and he is nice and dry, and his television is turned on, I wait for his tremors to settle down from his night-time medications, and by the time he is falling asleep, it is around three am, and from midnite until three am, I have the open opportunity to lie in bed awake and listening, wishing I was not walking through this journey alone, and I get very lonely

12 thoughts on “Daily Prompt/The Daily Post

  1. It is good to get some of this background information because some may not know what you have been through. Not getting enough sleep must be driving you crazy – please take care of yourself Terry (I know, I hate it when people say that to me but ….) xxxxxxxxxxxx


  2. I know that this is a very easy thing for me to say, and I understand why you are feeling as you are… but can i please remind you of something you already know?

    Although it looks as if you are alone, and you feel alone, and others may even tell you that you are alone…. the Lord tells His people that you are loved by Him and He is with you every step of the way. May He bless you and show His presence to you even now.

    Rom 8:35-39 (KJV)
    35) Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? [shall] tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?
    36) As it is written, For thy sake we are killed all the day long; we are accounted as sheep for the slaughter.
    37) Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us.
    38) For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come,
    39) Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

    Heb 13:5-6 (KJV)
    5) [Let your] conversation [be] without covetousness; [and be] content with such things as ye have: for he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee.
    6) So that we may boldly say, The Lord [is] my helper, and I will not fear what man shall do unto me.


  3. I actually love being alone! Most of the time I absolutely love my company, but I do understand your need for someone. As Rob said, I will add this to my prayers for you.


  4. I know that you are physically alone with this challenge, Terry but I do know that in heart and spirit there are many right along beside you, myself included. And although you may feel like you are not doing much–you serve as a wonderful inspiration of what goodness and caring is for me. I wish there was more I could do for you besides words……..

    hug to you



    • Ivonne, the best thing you could possibly do, you have already done. You have become my friend, and you are very supportive of me. What else could I ask for……………..hugs


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