Caregiver, Take A Rest


I woke up earlier than Al today, so I took advantage of my free time and got on the

urination: not here

urination: not here (Photo credit: maximolly)

computer and answered the question to Plinky. About the same time I finished the question, Al got up. By now it was nine am, and between that and 10am, this is what happened.

Al rang his bell announcing to me that he was ready to get up. I said that I heard him, and he proceeded to get up, as I finished up on here, which was long enough to get out of WP. I walked back in to his room to start the bed check to see if it was wet, and I see Al peeing on his table and floor and trying to wipe it off with his hanky. He just looked at me, and said he was cleaning it up. I immediately went and got the cleaners for the table top, that was flooding, and the floor, and instantly removed the items from the table that were damp.

Al and I have been in battle for a few days now about keeping things on the table top at night. I have explained to him until I am blue in the face, that it is alright to over load his bed side table during the day, but once bed time arrives, the table can only hold his lamp, kleenex box, television remote, and his bell. I have repeatedly explained as nice as I could, that if he fell out of bed, I did not want to break his items sitting on top, trying to move the table to get to him, but he refuses. He has always been a very stubborn person, in fact, I don’t think I know anyone personally, that is as stubborn as he, and this is where the peeing came in also.

I have repeatedly asked him to sit and go pee, on the commode, but he wants to stand, and then he doesn’t hold his private part, while trying to pee, because he is trying to hold onto something stable in order to stand the short time to pee. He wants everything to stay the way it was prior to Parkinson’s, and I understand this totally, but changes have to be made.

He got mad at me right away, and I believe this is because he was busted, or caught, doing the wrong thing, so he started to blame me for his peeing on the floor and table. I reminded him again, while I was cleaning up the messes, that he needed to sit and pee, not stand. This statement made him mad, and he carried his anger through breakfast, and then when breakfast was over the shower girl appeared at the door.

I let her in and she was a witness to his anger and tears. I felt bad for her as she did not ask to be a party to this. After he got through with his breakfast and rambling on about how I did not care about him, and I was trying to get rid of him by placing him, he was not concentrating on what he was doing, getting up, and he caught the leg of the kitchen chair he had been sitting at, and was dragging it with pushing his walker.

I jumped out of my chair in order to get the chair apart from the walker, so he would not fall once again, and he turned on me instantly. He started charging at me and he was telling me to go to hell, and that I was a bitch.

The shower girl came instantly and tried to get him to calm down, and told me to go back and sit down, that she would give him his shower. Al doesn’t know this but the baby monitor being on, I could hear him dogging me to death, telling her all kinds of crap, trying to win her over to his side, just like a kid that plays mom against dad. All this happened in one hour, before I brushed my teeth, or hair, or was in my day clothes, one hour!

It was awful, but only for an instant, did it sting, but instead I got angry. How dare he act so naughty, when I go out of my way.  Wasn’t I just the one who had been cleaning all the messes up in his room, get his medications ready, get his drinks ready, silverware, napkin, plates. Oh forget it I said to myself, I am not doing this for any recognition or rewards, I am doing this because I love him, and because I love him, I have decided to go forth with the placement. I need my health back and he needs more help than I can give him anymore.

44 thoughts on “Caregiver, Take A Rest

  1. Hey Terry,

    Him turning on you and charging you is definitely a part of the dementia. I saw it all the time in my former line of work. One min. they are nice and calm and the next min. they turn on you. don’t take it personally. I had one client, that we had to call the police for as he became really violent tried to break his wifes arm and more…just don’t take it personally if you can help it. The peeing too…this same client had the entire room covered in both urine and… everyday when i went in. He needs more help than any one person can give him now. xo

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  2. Dementia will keep him fighting you tooth and nail. I know he is experiencing fear. Maybe what would help you and him in this transition is a visit to the facility you want to place him in, or visit different ones in your area, and let him see what they are like. When it looked like my sister-in-law would have to place their dad and their grandmother in a facility we all went together on a tour of a few assisted living homes that also offered long term care when the people who lived there could no longer take care of any of their own needs. We laughed when my husband’s 90 year old grandma said she didn’t want to live with all these “old” people (who were in their 70 and 80’s). But my father-in-law thought it was really cool. He loved that they had Bingo everyday, and that they took trips to different places. He loved that he had a huge room with a kitchen all to himself and on one floor. It was like a little apartment, one bedroom, a small kitchen and a livingroom for friends to visit. He loved that there were nurses available 24/7 if he needed something. He also liked that if grandma would have wanted to, they could get a 2 bedroom apartment to share. Unfortunately grandma was grieving losing her daughter, and was upset that she couldn’t be with her, so decided to move back to California to be in the same home with her 2 sisters. The sad thing is she is so far away and since her sisters have passed on leaving her alone, and now she is afraid she will die alone out there, since all her grandkids live in either Texas or Indiana. That is where we are now, since my father-in-law passed away, and she doesn’t want to live with my sister-in-law again. So my husband and his siblings are trying to figure out what to do. But she did find that she loved being in the assisted living center, because she had help when she needed it, and there were many activities. I think that touring different facilities might help your brother. Especially if it is meal time, activity time, and if he can see how much there is for him there. It will also calm your heart knowing exactly what is available, and seeing how they care for the residents. One suggestion…if you do this, point out the positive things and keep the negative things to yourself until you decide which one to put Al in. If you mention them to him, he will use those to fight you on going. You are still in my prayers Terry. I know this is a very hard time for you.

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    • Thank you Bonita, and your suggestion is an excellent one. Me saying anything negative would surely cause more harm than good. This is the worst decision I think I have ever been faced with, but it is time, and I must do what is right for him and me. Bless u my friend for being here and caring

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    • thank u so much my friend. I have started the process of placement, and today I can not help it, I am very sad, even though I don’t know if Al will qualify or what all the restrictions are, it is a new road we are now traveling, so I appreciate the hugs very much!

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  3. Terry, Things are escalating physically and emotionally and even though Al does not know that he is being unreasonable…it doesn’t change the fact that he is…He wants his world to be exactly as he sees it and can’t and doesn’t understand why it can’t be…He’s not taking you or your needs into his equation. You’ve gone on and done your best…no more than your best if that’s possible. Now I believe it is time for a change…to keep your relationship with your brother intact…Diane

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  4. Terry, I know this was a hard decision for you to make, but I am so glad that you have made it! You know Al will fight you on it, but please be strong for your sake, meaning your health!! Love thru our Savior, Jesus Christ.

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  5. Thinking of you and Al, and of all you go through each day. Praying as this transition time comes, that Al will see that it is a good thing, and because you love him. Hugs for you!!!

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  6. I am glad to see you are moving forward on this. Just take one step at a time and know you are doing the best that you can do. Take care, and keep your spirits up.

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    • yes, i have moved forward. a lady is coming here on Monday from a nursing home to talk to me, and Real Services has to be involved to see if Al is nursing home ready, so it could take up to ten days before i know anything

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    • that is so sad Ivonne. He tried to help someone else and ended up hurting himself. I have actually started the placement process today, but from what I hear there are rules and regulations, and some stranger gets to decide whether Al is nursing home product or not. it will take about ten days from what they said before we know anything

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      • I am a professional caregiver working with a license for over twenty years, but this case with my brother has taken its toll after five years, and now I recognize he needs more help than i can give him. too many falls, too much lack of comprehension and so on. i love him and this is why i am trying to place him

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  7. May the Lord bless your efforts and may His will be done. I know it must be hard to wait for the final decisions to be made but you are working towards a remedy to your situation. May He bless you this coming week. My prayers will be with you and Al

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    • I am so much more calm than I expected Rob. I have totally placed this in God’s hands, as I am too emotional to make the decision. it will be when he is placed and i am actually taking him, that I will fall apart. but god will be with me then also. thank u for caring, u r such a wonderful friend to me

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  8. Sorry I’ve been away Terry. I went down with Typhoid and I’m still recovering now! During the days I was stuck in hospital I was unable to get to the internet. I’m glad to hear you’re going ahead with the placement. I think it’s time. Keep remembering that he’s not your brother any more though he’s in there somewhere and that all those rants and horrible things he says about you are the dementia and not your brother’s words. Best wishes and much love and prayers your way. 🙂

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    • I pray right this moment that God looks down on you with mercy, and he heals the Typhoid quickly.
      I have left this placement entirely in God’s hands, as I am too emotionally involved, and when I start to worry about it, am I doing the right thing or not, I do not know, and start becoming stressed. God will let me know if I am doing the right thing in the end.
      So glad you are doing better, waiting for you to be completely back to normal health

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