I made this Christmas tree today, and then since Al is gone, my son and his family went and got me this little baby girl. I named her Polly. She is Chihuahua/Pomeranian. She is eight weeks old. Now I have someone new to look after
I have stayed a way for a few days, trying not to talk about Al, but instead writing little and yet accomplishing one goal I had, and that was writing the last chapter of my book. My very first book, all done now. I hope that you have enjoyed it.
Now the time has come where I could not manage to keep my breakfast down, so I must speak to you and let you know what has been happening, so I will stop the crying and move forth. The stats say that Taurus’s wear their feelings on their sleeves for all to see, and I believe this is me to at T. I am very emotional and wish I could toughen myself up, but I have never been able to change that about myself yet, and being middle-aged, it will most likely get worse.
Al was falling more and more, and the return of the tears and wanting to die, had backed me into a corner, and I had said a long prayer to God, that if he wanted Al to be placed, please let it be smooth and quick, to take this giant burden off of my shoulders, as I was too emotionally involved.
I had considered placement many times before, and even reached out to one nursing home that told me that he had too many issues to be accepted there. It sort of worried me, because if a nursing home can not accept my brother, than is everyone in a nursing home easy care?
Sometimes I am very fortunate and God will not wait to give me an answer, and this is one of those times. A call was placed again to the same nursing home, and within 24 hours, he was in a new home.
I have to admit that first of all, he was very happy. He wanted to be around people, even if they were twenty years older than him. He missed socializing, and he was so unsteady, that I, alone could not take him out very often.
I have battled the blues since he has been gone and I am still dealing with it. I keep looking at it as another loss of a family member, the last member being my biggest idol in my life, my daddy, and now there were two of us, Al and me, and now he is gone from the house.
I know in my heart he is not gone, he is only a few miles down the road, but my heart has not accepted this as of yet. I have to admit that I tried very hard to talk him out of going, and even on the ride there to his new home, I was still trying. I didn’t care at that time if I was being selfish, I didn’t want him to go, but alas, God or the amount of pain Al suffered in daily, was enough for him to want to go. He told me he did not want to be a burden to me with his falls and that there would be plenty of nurses around to pick him up.
Excuse me while I cry again, alright, I can see my typing once again. When we arrived I had a cow, just saying, when I saw the smallness of his room. The day before we had looked at the room, but my mind was so screwed up, I didn’t see it even though I looked at it. By the time I had his clothes put away in their new home, and his television there, and his recliner and walker, it left him with a path the width of his walker.
I am just like a mother hen, looking over my chick, I threw a fit, yes I threw a fit. There was paint chipped off the walls, and part of one wall was pushed in by something having gotten a hold of it, but nothing was done with my words, and Al was accepting, but all I could think of was, the thousands of dollars we were paying on private pay for this room, this room should have been in better shape.
The next day I went in and I saw a nurse trying to give him a pill at noon, and I explained to her that he did not take mid day pills and she ignored me. I told her to stop now! and she left the room, only to find out later that he had turned down his morning medications and they were trying to get him to take them. I did not buy that either, because what did Al do, pick out one pill and take the rest? I have my own thoughts on this, because he is a new admit, and I think they over-looked giving him this at breakfast, but she should have told me what was going on when she was trying to give it to him, instead of receiving silence.
I swear I will get better about his care, but for right now, I am observing maybe too much, but he is my brother, and he does not always speak for himself about pains and feelings very well until the pain is unbearable. After this disagreement about the nurse and pill, and the words I said about the room, they called me last evening and told me they switched him to another room on the other side, a window side, that was much bigger. I licked my pointer finger and lifted it in to the air, and silently here at home, said score, for Al and me!
There was another disagreement yesterday. Another nurse had come to me saying they had contacted his dental surgeon to let them know that they would be the ones transporting him to their office,and they were told he was not having his two teeth pulled by IV sedation, that in fact this was a consult.
I sat down and explained to them, that there was confusion somewhere because he was getting them extracted next Tuesday, and she shook her head no at me, so I told her when I came home, I would call the surgeon’s office myself and try to get this whole thing straightened out, because I knew I was right. I have it right here on my calendar for Al, and I was at the regular dentist when the appointment was made through the phone.
After I came home, I did in fact, call the dentist, and they told me to hang on for the nurse, and I explained before she left her end of the phone, that I was only talking about his appointment, so I did not need a nurse. She said she understood but had been expecting my phone call.
So now everyone knew a secret but the sister, the one who is guardian over the brother. The dentist office knew, the facility my brother is in knew, and even the specialists, heart and neurologist knew, everyone but me.
I waited for what seemed hours but only minutes for the nurse to get on the phone, and she said that there was going to be a consult on the day of where he was going to have his teeth extracted, and I ask why and why haven’t you called me already with this information, and she said that they had only found out the reports from the two specialist doctors earlier today. I should say that I had previously called the dentist and explained that the facility was going to be bringing Al in and that I would meet them there, so this is how they knew to call the facility on the time frame needed for the bus trip to and from the dentist office. I understood, but I still felt I should have been called first.
Anyways, that part is over and now it doesn’t matter to me who called who first, because I was given news that I didn’t want to hear or know. The two reports came back with negative remarks about releasing Al for a dental procedure doing IV Sedation, and I asked why, that we had just went through this same process earlier in April.
The nurse continued with both reports came back stamped in red ink, very high risk, no procedures done on him at the dentist office. My stomach began to get hot and churn and if I bit my nails, I would have started, but instead I lit up a cigarette.
She said that the cardiology report came back from the tests that were run on him prior to the day of his admittance with damage to the heart. I said nothing and kept listening. She said that the Parkinson’s Disease had penetrated his heart now, and it was too risky to do anything with him here. They wanted to admit him to the hospital so that they could insert breathing tubes and other necessary equipment for him, because there was a chance he could not make it through this due to his heart damage and weakness.
My brain was not taking this in as fast as my ears were, and I sat there saying nothing. I heard her repeat my name a couple of times, asking was I still here on the line with her, and finally I mumbled yes, I am still here.
She said your brother is not well, so we will have a consult with the dentist that was going to do the extraction, and he will tell you then what this is going to consist of in the hospital, and he will still be the one performing the extractions at the hospital. She told me of the appointment and I said thank-you for your time and I hung up with her and called the facility, and they said they knew about this but I needed to hear the information from the dental nurse instead of them. They tried to console me and yet letting me know that his heart was most likely be the culprit of this nasty disease.
I hung up with them, and flipped around in my chair, wanting to see Al and yet seeing no one, and hearing no one, and for the first time since daddy died, I felt so alone, that I wanted to die also. I wanted to be with my own mom and dad. I wanted someone to put their arms around me and comfort me, telling me this was all a bad dream, everything was going to be alright, but God ignored my request, and so I did the only thing I could. My body began to shake and I let myself slip to the floor and I cried, and cried and I was still crying last night off and on.
I finally fell asleep for a few hours but was awake this morning at 5:30, and could not go back to sleep, so I made myself a pot of coffee, and went through my emails, and made myself finish my last chapter of my book, then I went back to bed.
My eyes are still watering off and on today, but no out-of-controlling tears. The house is quiet even with my Escape music on the television playing in the back ground. I am scared Lord, I am scared I am going to lose my baby brother sooner than later. I know he is going to go home to you, but I always dreamed it would be a long time from now, and I know he will not leave me today, but you are going to take him home.
I am not going to go visit my brother today, because I will always do what I can to not show him anything but smiles and uplifting words from me. I will go see him tomorrow. God already knows how much I love my brother, and for you my brother, who doesn’t always understand the depths of my feelings for you, I love you so very much, and wish you many smiles and some giggles and a good social life while you remain in the arms of the facility. I love you so much. May the angels surround the two of us through out the rest of this journey.
The Guardian Angel (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
It was Friday, the day before the wedding. Tonight was the practice march for the wedding
and also the rehearsal dinner, and tomorrow was the big day, Drake and Dahlia were getting married.
The day was spent in leisure, except for the time taken, where Drake and Dahlia went over to pick up her father,and once back, in Dahlia’s room there was much excitement happening, as Dahlia tried on her wedding dress, and the ladies were just remarking over and over how beautiful she and the dress were. After taking the dress off, they watched Sue slip her dress on and then they took turns playing with each others hair and trying on different styles to see which ones they liked the best. Dahlia decided to wear hers natural, long and framing her face with beautiful waves running through it.
Sue was going to have hers on top of her head with curls framing it and the others were experimenting with their hair also. They tried make-up on and took it off, and tried bolder looks for a wedding, but then nothing ended up looking better than just a touch of make-up, enhancing their already beautiful faces.
Lunch was made, eaten and then before they all realized it, it was time to get some of the spread laid out on the kitchen table ahead of time, so that all they had to get done when they got back to the house was pull of the fried chicken, potato salad, coleslaw, deviled eggs, and desserts from the refrigerator.
The minister, and the organist and a couple of friends and neighbors were all coming back here following the rehearsal. Soon it was time to tidy themselves up and they all took off for the church. This was going to only take about an hour at the most, and if all went well, they may be able to get through it in a half an hour. Ralph kidding told Drake and Dahlia to get it right the first time, he was already getting hungry.
They got to the church and went in the back door. The minister and organist welcomed them at the door and then the minister directed each of them to their chosen spots of where to stand in formation. There was some confusion on who was going to stand up for Drake, as he had planned on all along that Drew would be here by his side, and by now, he would be better, but it was not happening this way, so his father stood in his place, for now.
They listened to some short segments of the music that had been picked out, and each walked the white path down to the altar. Two tries had to be done before getting it right, and Dahlia and her father only had to walk the aisle once. The rehearsal went well, so it was cut shorter than planned and shaking hands with the minister, they bid him a farewell and said they would see him back at the house.
Once arriving back at home, there was no wasting time on getting the already prepared foods out and everyone dived into their plates. They were all so excited this caused every bite to taste better than the last bite. Everyone was laughing and talking and the evening was flying by so quickly.
They were cleaning up the kitchen when the phone rang. Ralph stepped away from the kitchen to answer it. He came back and there was no more laughter on his face. Everyone turned to look at him as he stood in the doorway, and silence fell in the room.
Rachel walked over to him and asked who it was on the phone, and Ralph said it was the hospital calling, saying Drew had made a turn for the worse. The hospital suggested that they may want to come over tonight.
They all hurried and finished what they had been doing, and then they took off for the hospital. Once arriving in Drew’s room, the sight was not a good one. Drew no longer was awake watching them come in, he was lying very quietly in his bed.
The nurse came in and said that he had slipped into unconsciousness and that she wasn’t sure if Drew could hear them or not, but to please talk to him as if they knew that he could hear.
They walked up to him and laying their hands on him, they all prayed together, saying a prayer for his healing. They spoke softly to Drew, each telling him to hurry up and get well and letting him know how much they loved and missed him being home. They remained for about a half an hour and then the nurse came back and told them that Drew needed his rest. They could go home and if there was any change at all, the hospital would call immediately.
No one wanted to leave, and they had to be chased out of the room by the nurse, and with sadness in their faces, the drive home became silent. When they arrived home they all sat around the table in the kitchen and they tried to guess what had happened and that in the morning hours they would each take turns spending time with Drew, until it was time to leave for the church for the wedding.
No one slept very easily that night, each lost in their thoughts of Drew, the wedding, and Drew again. Sleep did come and the morning sun did shine. At the breakfast table they reached for each others hands and again prayed together for healing for Drew. After breakfast was over, everyone made sure that their clothes for the wedding were ready and laid out for easy access to be picked up and to go to the wedding. Dahlia had her wedding dress laid out on her bed along side of that laid her new shoes. Her make-up was lying all in order. When she was done she went to each of the lady’s rooms, asking if they needed any help and they all said no, they were prepared and now ready to go to the hospital.
Ralph and Dahlia sat in their bedroom, with hands being held and heads bowed, in prayer. Praying hard for Drew, that God would do what was best for him. Her dress was lying on the bed and his suit was right beside it. There was nothing else to do ahead of time, so they all left for the hospital to see Drew and take turns visiting him and sitting by his side comforting him.
The doctor stopped by and told Ralph that he wanted to see him. Once in his office he told Ralph that there was little time left. He didn’t think that Drew would make it through the next 24 hours.
Tears started to form in Ralph’s eyes and he explained to the doctor that today was his other son’s wedding day. The two talked for a while and then the doctor shaking Ralph’s hand, they both left the office and Ralph went back and asked Rachel to come out to the hall with him, that he wanted to speak to her alone.
They went into the hall and Ralph explained what the doctor said and Rachel buried her head in her head and began to cry. Ralph told her of the plan that the doctor had suggested, and through tears, Rachel agreed and drying her eyes, she walked back into Drew’s room, while Ralph left the hospital.
Ralph drove over to the house and went through each room picking up all the clothes that were laid out on the beds, and then he made a couple of trips to the car, placing all the garments carefully across the seat. There were shoes, and suits, dresses, the wedding dress, make-up in bags. When he looked around for a second time, and saw nothing left behind, he got in his car and went over to the church, and went to the front doors and upon knocking, the door was opened by the secretary. Ralph asked if the minister was in, and she said yes, and then led him to the office the minister was at.
Ralph quickly told the minister what was going on at the hospital and asked if there was any way he could borrow the minister now, instead of waiting for later. The minister got up from his chair and shutting the door behind them, they drove over to Dahlia’s dad’s house and knocked. When her father let them in, Ralph explained the situation,and her father grabbed his suit and shoes and got in the car with them. They all headed back to the hospital.
Once there they took all the clothing and accessories into the hospital and when one of the nurses saw what they had, she offered them an empty room to place everything in. When they had everything neatly lying on the two empty beds, they took the make-up bags, and placed them in the bathroom.
Then the three of them went into Drew’s room and walking up to Drew, they spoke to him as if he was listening to every word they said, then he called a brief meeting to all involved in the room where the clothes were. Tears were coming and short sobs could be heard, but instructions that had been given were being followed.
Soon everyone found themselves standing beside Drew, who lay motionless in his bed. His face so pale, they could see no color except the blue on his lips that had been forming from the moment they had first come. The minister went to the foot of the bed, and instructed Drake to stand beside his brother, and then Dahlia next to him, and the others were to stand on the other side of the bed.
When everyone was in place, Drake reached down and touching his brother’s hand, he told him that he was going to keep his word about him being his best man, and with tears dripping from his face, the minister said words, and everyone prayed together. They prayed for the bride and groom and they prayed for peace for the brother, son and friend lying in the bed.
The minister pronounced them man and wife and a brief kiss was exchanged between the two. The monitor in the background that had been keeping time to the beat of the heart, became silent as the last breath was taken from Drew. God always promises that when one door closes another door will open, and on this day, at this very moment, one door had closed with the loved one leaving this earth, while another door opened for Drake and Dahlia to walk through, to start their new life being married.
The End
Who I am 