Al and Polly

English: Coca-Cola 375 mL cans - 24 pack

English: Coca-Cola 375 mL cans – 24 pack (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I have never taken so many steps as I have the past three days since I moved back to Indiana. Maybe I will drop a pound! Today was a busy day, which I was very thankful for, but last night was taking me back to when my kids were infants, and you had to get up with them every two hours, and this is what I did.

I had been so exhausted from crying and tired from everything, that I took Polly outside at 10pm and then I went to bed, with her in her crate. It was wonderful, me, the television, my fan, and Polly was asleep. At midnight I had a terrible dream. I don’t know who it was or what it was, but I remember it was a deep, clear voice, and it said one thing. Al has just died. Yep, that was it, and I don’t even know if I can call that a dream, but that is all I remember and I jumped up out of bed and sat upright, looking around and no one was here. Then Polly started whimpering, feeding time and potty time, but this time she did not want to go back to sleep, but I did. I put her back in her crate, letting her know dark hours meant no play, but she didn’t get it, so she whined, I turned up the television, she whined louder, and I buried my head in the covers, but nothing worked.

I got back up and took her out and her little curly tail was just a going to town. She wanted to play! I did sit with her for a while and pet her and she loved that, so after she calmed down, I put her back to her bed, and she did not want that so the whimpering started again.

I got back up, geesh, I felt like a yo-yo. I got her back out and put her in bed with me and she crawled up to my shoulder, and buried herself in my body heat and went back to sleep and slept until five this morning.

Today was a new day. I fed her and took her potty. She is having troubles with drinking water, so I have to wet my finger from her bowl, and then she will drink. I really do believe I am a natural caregiver including animals now. LOL

I am still having trouble eating. I have found myself skipping meals or eating one tiny thing. I tried eating breakfast, but it did not want to stay down, so I gave that up. I told Polly that I had to go run some errands, and even though I knew she didn’t know, I put her back in her crate, and prayed she whimpered softly while I was gone. While out, I ran to the car lot to pick up a piece that had broken on my windshield wiper, where the spray comes out and washes your window? Yes, a tiny plastic piece that had cracked and cost $47.00. Expensive plastic if you ask me, then I went to Wal-Mart and took back the Ensure that I had bought for Al, because they would not let him have it,as it had to be a doctor’s order. It wasn’t even open, but it was a no go, and so I got Polly a flea collar because I found a few floating around on her and I do not want them multiplying in my  house, no way! I also bought her a wormer so I would have it in a few weeks when I can worm her, then I went to McDonald’s, and got a double cheeseburger and small diet, and I managed to keep that down.

Next, I went to see Al. I got to see his new room. It was much better,with a window view. I took him three bags of briefs and a bag of pads for his recliner a coca cola polar bear clock and a case of soda. I looked the room over and it definitely had more floor space but no more space than the other room as far as places to place knickknacks. Al was not in his room, he was down in the dining room and had just finished up with his lunch. As he saw me he waved and smiled, a nice thing in my opinion.

Right a way he started telling me about his bigger room, and then I began fitting the pieces together as to why the nurse said he looked like a kid in a candy store when she showed him his new room, because the conversation went from bigger room to bringing in more coca cola and cars from home, but what he wanted to bring in was an antique coca cola dispenser.

Now we had discussed things that he was going to take and leave here at home, before he went to the nursing home, and we both agreed that he would leave this big, vintage piece at home so it would not get broken or taken. He tells me today that now he wants it because his room is bigger and I explain that there is no more room for any place to put things and he got upset with me. The tremors got bigger than they were when I got there, and the tears came back, and the guilt trip placed on me was too familiar.

For the first time since he has been gone, I was glad that I could get up off of the bed and walk a way from it. I went to the nurse explaining why he was upset and she said that she would tell him his room was full enough, and then I said thanks and went back to Al’s room and he was telling me I didn’t care about him and I didn’t love me. I looked him in the eye, and said bud, I came here with cards, soda, another clock for you, and newspapers to read. I do not have to stay and listen to this talk, and so I am leaving, and I will see you on another day, and with that I got up and walked out of his room, out of the building and came home to Polly, who was anxiously awaiting for me to pet her and play with her, her tail just a wagging away and she was giving me kisses, and I said out loud to myself, I love you brother, but I want some happiness too, and I will see you tomorrow, and then I went back to playing with Polly.