PHYLLIS DILLER QUOTES.
Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
If it weren’t for baseball, many kids wouldn’t know what a millionaire looked like.
You know you’re old if your walker has an airbag.
I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
I’ve been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.
His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
There’s so little money in my bank account, my scenic cheques show a ghetto.
My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing.
You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
It’s a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I’d be rotten to the core.
There’s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what’s the problem?
- Phyllis Diller (time.com)
- On the Market: Eccentric Estate of the Late Phyllis Diller Listed For Sale (curbed.com)
- Comedy icon Phyllis Diller dies in her sleep at 95 (miamiherald.typepad.com)