Me, Myself, and I

Yesterday was the first time in I don’t even know when, that I was relaxed. Not totally, but

English: DC USA, Target, Black Friday

no upset stomach, no vomiting my food. I smiled, I laughed. In between the laughs, I felt pangs of guilt, but tried to use my emotional broom and sweep them out the front door.

I wondered if Al was smiling, was he laughing? Did I have a right to laugh, to feel relaxed, while I leave him at his new home? I did not go visit him yesterday, but instead cleaned my house, turning up my country music. Today, it was mixed between country and country Christmas. I swept the house, dusted, did a load of laundry, mopped my floors.

I worked on a Christmas project, and then in the afternoon, I became a fly on the wall out in the Christmas shopping world, sometimes buzzing in low on an item I thought may be a good deal. I had a really good time.

I took my time and comparison shopped and tried not to pick items up only because it was marked a Black Friday Sale. My wings took me down aisles that I had not been down in years. I went down the craft aisles, the toy aisles, the seasonal areas, I went just about anywhere that my nose led me, in looking for bargains.

My brother told me that he really wants this object he saw on the television. He said it is a Hallmark ornament, and that it looked like a radio, and when you flipped a button, it played music. Al is really into anything that plays music. I will be looking for it for sure. He also said that he wants new sleeper pants and sweat pants and short sleeve shirts. He has never offered me a Christmas wish list, so this pleased me. It is so much easier to shop with a list.

So all in all, I spent some good, quality time with myself, and other than the pings of guilt, I did pretty good for the entire day. Monday will roll along, and everyone will be rid of the over shopping and get back to business, and I will be placing an ad in the paper again, hoping to find a caregiver job near by.

39 thoughts on “Me, Myself, and I

  1. I’m glad to see you are taking care of yourself and enjoying some “me” time. We all need that. It gives you time to think and be “in the moment”. You will still be thinking of Al and what to bring him and whether he is ok each minute. That is OK as long as you allow yourself to stop thinking about him sometimes also. I am glad you are settling into a new routine. Enjoy!


  2. I am so glad you had a good day with yourself!! I just wish you lived closer so I could give you a swift kick!!! Just kidding, but I really wish you could rid yourself of the feelings of guilt!! You have no reason to feel guilty. Al is being taken care of. Okay, I’ll get off my soapbox, now!!


  3. So agree with the rest of the bloggers…You will feel guilt…That’s because you are such a good person…Take one day at a time and do as you are doing…stepping out a little further each time…You will finally feeling yourself being YOU…and enjoying YOUR life…You deserve to have happiness too…
    What’s this about looking for a job…For you???…Is it necessary for you to do this right now…You really have enough adjustments unless you need to …or just want to…mkg


  4. They showed on TV over here about Black Friday, when X-mas shopping officially starts in US. 147 million people shopped yesterday … amazing. What a race and you were in there too. Saw it aboard the train returning from mum. They have news on TV screens on the regional trains, our purple ones. Funny enough I thought about and wondered if you were out there shopping.
    So glad that you are coming to terms with being in charge of your life and have time for yourself.
    Haven’t seen you writing about Polly for a while, is everything okay .. I hope of all my heart that you still have her.


  5. I’m so glad that you had some fun and laughs and relaxed! I remember reading that guilt and shame are not from God, so when it creeps in, you just kick it to the curb! You are amazing and beautiful and so loving and caring!


  6. Terry, take it from a caregiver for someone I love with all of my heart. You should try to find a job that is not around someone who you have to take care of. Look for something where you will be around more people and not someone ill. I think it would be good for you. I think you should give yourself more time to “find” yourself before you do anything. Enjoy getting to know Terry.


  7. Good for you, Terry. Keep doing it and you will eventually get used to it. And just think, the more things you do for yourself, like shopping, the more you will have to tell Al about when you visit him.


    • one thing i have not done is let Al know that I am going out of the house. I would feel so bad if he felt left out………..i am not sure what to say to him, i just try to keep the topic on him


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