Yesterday was the first time in I don’t even know when, that I was relaxed. Not totally, but
no upset stomach, no vomiting my food. I smiled, I laughed. In between the laughs, I felt pangs of guilt, but tried to use my emotional broom and sweep them out the front door.
I wondered if Al was smiling, was he laughing? Did I have a right to laugh, to feel relaxed, while I leave him at his new home? I did not go visit him yesterday, but instead cleaned my house, turning up my country music. Today, it was mixed between country and country Christmas. I swept the house, dusted, did a load of laundry, mopped my floors.
I worked on a Christmas project, and then in the afternoon, I became a fly on the wall out in the Christmas shopping world, sometimes buzzing in low on an item I thought may be a good deal. I had a really good time.
I took my time and comparison shopped and tried not to pick items up only because it was marked a Black Friday Sale. My wings took me down aisles that I had not been down in years. I went down the craft aisles, the toy aisles, the seasonal areas, I went just about anywhere that my nose led me, in looking for bargains.
My brother told me that he really wants this object he saw on the television. He said it is a Hallmark ornament, and that it looked like a radio, and when you flipped a button, it played music. Al is really into anything that plays music. I will be looking for it for sure. He also said that he wants new sleeper pants and sweat pants and short sleeve shirts. He has never offered me a Christmas wish list, so this pleased me. It is so much easier to shop with a list.
So all in all, I spent some good, quality time with myself, and other than the pings of guilt, I did pretty good for the entire day. Monday will roll along, and everyone will be rid of the over shopping and get back to business, and I will be placing an ad in the paper again, hoping to find a caregiver job near by.
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Who I am 
I’m glad you got out and went shopping Terry! Good for you!
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And you have nothing to feel guilty about..Al is being taken care of..
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ok, thank you. I am trying to get rid of that feeling
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thank you!!
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I’m glad to see you are taking care of yourself and enjoying some “me” time. We all need that. It gives you time to think and be “in the moment”. You will still be thinking of Al and what to bring him and whether he is ok each minute. That is OK as long as you allow yourself to stop thinking about him sometimes also. I am glad you are settling into a new routine. Enjoy!
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the only thing I felt bad about was that I was out having a nice time, and he was in a room
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True, but he would have been in the same room even if you were home doing nothing. Don’t be afraid to enjoy yourself. You have earned it!
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thank you for pointing this out to me!
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Remember this…. Al WANTS you to enjoy yourself. You would be wishing the same for him if your positions were reversed. 🙂
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yes, you may be right. I didn’t even tell Al what I was going to do, but then I guess I don’t have to tell him everything
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I am so glad you had a good day with yourself!! I just wish you lived closer so I could give you a swift kick!!! Just kidding, but I really wish you could rid yourself of the feelings of guilt!! You have no reason to feel guilty. Al is being taken care of. Okay, I’ll get off my soapbox, now!!
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where do u live again??
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Mississippi.
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just a hop skip and a jump from me!!!!!
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that sounds wonderful Terry!! don’t jump into a caregiver job too quickly!
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yes you are probably right!
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xo
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So agree with the rest of the bloggers…You will feel guilt…That’s because you are such a good person…Take one day at a time and do as you are doing…stepping out a little further each time…You will finally feeling yourself being YOU…and enjoying YOUR life…You deserve to have happiness too…
What’s this about looking for a job…For you???…Is it necessary for you to do this right now…You really have enough adjustments unless you need to …or just want to…mkg
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I will need a job, but I don’t have to do it yet, could wait until after Christmas. Maybe you are right, I am still going through the adjustment period, as you already know more about me than I know about myself!!! You are such a good friend
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just saying it like I see it…I would at least wait until the first of the year…mkg
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They showed on TV over here about Black Friday, when X-mas shopping officially starts in US. 147 million people shopped yesterday … amazing. What a race and you were in there too. Saw it aboard the train returning from mum. They have news on TV screens on the regional trains, our purple ones. Funny enough I thought about and wondered if you were out there shopping.
So glad that you are coming to terms with being in charge of your life and have time for yourself.
Haven’t seen you writing about Polly for a while, is everything okay .. I hope of all my heart that you still have her.
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my daughter in law has Polly right now, with so much company here. I went out in the madhouse but bought nothing as I didn’t want to wait in a three hour line to pay!
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It’s so wonderful to hear you sounding so bright – love it!
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it was a bright star yesterday, today not as good, but am moving forth!!!
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I’m so glad that you had some fun and laughs and relaxed! I remember reading that guilt and shame are not from God, so when it creeps in, you just kick it to the curb! You are amazing and beautiful and so loving and caring!
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thank you, and u r such a blessing in my life. you help when you don’t realize it…….
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Good for you, terry1954! This helps you and, in the grand scheme of things, is better for Al.
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I feel this way too some days. thanks for being a wonderful friend
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No guilt – just keep enjoying yourself Terry. You need it sister! 🙂
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thank you Ken!!!
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Terry, take it from a caregiver for someone I love with all of my heart. You should try to find a job that is not around someone who you have to take care of. Look for something where you will be around more people and not someone ill. I think it would be good for you. I think you should give yourself more time to “find” yourself before you do anything. Enjoy getting to know Terry.
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thank you. I have no idea who this is, there is no name but false Gravatar, so all i can say is thank you. Please feel free to lead me to your blog………….
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A little ‘me’ time is good for you. I’m glad you took some.
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it feels strange, and i hate strange, unfamiliar, so ready to have it feel routine.
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The more you do it, the easier it will be.
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Tilly! I have nominated you for the Blog of the Year Award! Congratulations!
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just like riding a bike!!!!
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Good for you, Terry. Keep doing it and you will eventually get used to it. And just think, the more things you do for yourself, like shopping, the more you will have to tell Al about when you visit him.
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one thing i have not done is let Al know that I am going out of the house. I would feel so bad if he felt left out………..i am not sure what to say to him, i just try to keep the topic on him
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