I know you are in heaven, looking down on me, even as I write. I can only hope and dream that you are smiling at this moment, as you watch me write this to you. I know you are standing behind me, with your hands held together behind your back, trying not to breathe too heavily, so not to interrupt my train of thought.
I know that I was not the child that you dreamed of daddy. I know first of all, you wanted a boy, and you told me years ago, that this is why you spelled my name like a male instead. I know that I made choices that you did not agree with.
What you didn’t know dad, was that I idolized the ground you walked on. I waited anxiously for your approval of everything that I did. I would sit and think of ways to get you to say something.
I know you loved me daddy, I really do. That one time when I was out of high school, and I thought I knew everything, I moved a way to another state. You remember this daddy, don’t you? You remember how I called you on the phone crying, and pleading for you to come get me.
You said of course, and you and other family members made the long drive to get me. I want you to know daddy that when I saw the first tears in your eyes, when you saw me safe and unharmed, I knew from that moment on, that you loved me.
I learned through growing up that not all moms and dads show physical love, such as hugs, and squeezes, that sometimes, just knowing you were always by my side, was enough.
I remember how you invited me so many times to go down to the basement with you. You would be building something out of wood. You would ask me to hand you this or that, but I think secretly, you wanted to smoke your cigars without mom telling you it was bad for your health, and you enjoyed spending time with just me.
I saw one more time when you showed your feelings through tears. You know, the time when we came home from mom’s funeral and you and I were standing alone in her clothes closet looking at her clothes, and you let me hold your head on my shoulders, and you wept for the love you had for mom? I know you remember daddy. I felt so special that I was the one who could help you for a change.
It took me many years to come to appreciate the person that I am dad. I think you would be proud of me today. I believe you would say that I did a good job. I would hear those first words, as you look back and see how I took good care of your son, my brother, Al. I did my best daddy. I loved him and looked out for him and protected him from the wolves of the world.
I had to place him daddy. I had no choice. Please do not be disappointed in me. His care needed more help than I could ever do alone. You remember how I took such good care of you daddy? The illness that took you a way from me? I bathed you, and brought you treats. I gave you shots and your medications. I held your hand while you wept from pain.
I tried to take as good of care of Al as I did with you, but your illness stopped and you went to heaven. Al’s is dragging on daddy, and I needed more help. Please say you understand. Don’t think I made another mistake by placing him. Look me in the eye and let me see that you understand.
You would be proud of me daddy. I am very close to God now, and have been ever since that morning you and I prayed together. Do you know that God gave me a job to do? It is an important job dad. He told me to write, and to let his thoughts and my heart write the words. He instructed me to be an inspiration to others. Isn’t that a wonderful job God gave me?
I have made many wonderful friends daddy. You would love them all, like I do. Oh dad, I even wrote my first book. Thanks to a wonderful friend, it is being edited right now. Maybe some day daddy, I will hold my first book up towards the sky, so that you can see it. You and mom will surely hug each other for having a daughter that wrote a book. The book is called Dahlia. I can’t wait to show you!
Lastly, daddy, I love you so much. I have never had one day where I have not sat and thought about you and our lives together. I love you so much. Don’t cry now daddy, I know you miss me too. I will be there with you and mom, sooner than you think.