Ghosts From The Past


The Satan Pit

I went to see my brother today. He knew that I was coming to take him out to lunch. He had been lying down, but when I arrived, he got up and smiled at me. We put his jacket on and took off.

All through lunch, when ever I glanced at him and he at me, he smiled. A peaceful, innocent smile. I was so happy. I had asked God to bring a peaceful lunch and he answered quickly. Thank-you God for answering me so promptly with this request.

He did not want to go any other places so we went back to his facility. I had brought him some surprises, and he had opened the first one, when a strange lady walked in and walked over to us, and looking at Al handed him a clear jar of candy taffy pieces.

She introduced herself as a very good friend of our aunts. When she mentioned the name of the aunt, Al started to cry. Huge tears fell, and he told her to leave and to take her candy with her. This woman refused. She is in her late sixties at least, and neither Al nor I had ever met  her. Where was this strange woman’s respect for other humans?

There are many bitter feelings from the past five years, that Al and I carry. I, have forgiven these people, but when their names have come up, the wounded heart comes torn a bit more. Al is different. He forgets nothing about the past, and so he carries his pain as fresh as if his heart was  hurt yesterday.

Al asked her to leave once again, and the lady said no. I had sat there observing and listening, allowing my brother to fight his own battle, but when he could not get her to leave, I stepped up to the plate. I hit the ball right to her, asking her to leave, that she was upsetting him, and she placed her hands on her hips, and said,” I would like to see you make me leave”.

Now I am a very compassionate person, but I can also be a mama bear protecting  her cub. I stood closer to her and I said again,”Please leave this room now! He has asked you and as you can see, you have him crying”. She would not move from her spot. So I moved her by getting in front of her nose and forcing her out the door of his room. She continued to talk loudly making Al to cry harder, and finally the nurse came forth and told her to leave. Still, she would walk up to his room and stand out in the hall and wave and giggle. I think she was some crazy nut!

I walked back into Al’s room and also one of the aides came in and she and I tried to calm Al down. It took some doing and he calmed down, but it should not have happened in the first place. I have lightly touched on the fact, that our family, what little is left, had abandoned us after our father died five years ago.

I sent letters to some of these people, using Al’s words, do you remember? Back this summer, he thought he was dying, so he had me write these letters. None of these people ever responded. In five years, no one has called, and my number has never changed. No one has ever asked how Al is doing, nothing. Now, they are coming out, but there is no one there to help Al, as I am not there every minute of the day.

I don’t know what these people expect to see or find. When there are hurt feelings, sometimes they are easy to come back to life. We have been having this problem for a couple of weeks now. I hate it, because they know by now that their visits are unwelcome, but yet they come.

The facility is going to start banning people and their names will be on a list of do not enter. I wish it did not have to be this way, but for Al’s sake, there is no other choice. I look at Al as a sick man who is in pain all of the time. He cries a lot already, so why should he have to cry even more by people out of curiosity only. In the end what matters to me is my brother. I can not take the time to consider each person’s motives, I don’t have the time. I will fight to the end to keep people out of Al’s life if this is what he chooses, and he does at this time.

One more thing I may add to this sad afternoon is this; Satan, you heard me ask God for a peaceful lunch with my brother, and you got mad. You decided to send in the army to destroy us. You did hurt my brother. For heaven sakes, the man is slowly dying. Let him alone. Deal with me Satan. I am stronger, and I will chew you up and throw you back to the pits of hell. Leave Al and me alone, we don’t need your help!

Picture It & Write December 02/2012


Pills__by_howdarntragicThis is a subject too close to home these days. A picture portraying a desperate woman. Wanting her pain to leave, and finding no other way, has questioned the idea of taking pills.

The difference between her and me is very wide. I do not wish to take pills. I hate taking medications and only take ibuprofen, if I think I am dying from pain. LOL. Instead, I want to escape, run away, hide under my blankets and sleep until the next day. If things get too heavy, I will even stay a way from WordPress. The thought of bringing other sweet friends down does not make me happy, so better to go into hiding.

Sometimes, I will get on the phone and talk to one of three friends that I have. This can be very comforting to me. Other times I will go see Al, and hope that he can entertain my thoughts for a while.

Pain can run very deep in my veins. It causes empty voids, feelings of being alone or abandoned. It can cause blue skies to look gray and dreary. I absolutely hate it, but I  don’t seem able  to escape for very long before sad news is dealt to me again from a brand new deck of cards.

What I try to do to, instead of looking in my medicine shelves, is look towards  God. God and constant friends who do not desert me. God and friends are very comforting to me. It is a nice feeling to all humans to know that people care and that we are important to another soul in the world.

I hope this woman in the picture finds God before she reaches for the open pills. Satan is helping her by whispering in her ear, that this is the easiest way out, but God will hold your hand and carry you and I through it. Friends, let’s hope that this lady has friends. Please Lord, allow that phone to ring. Let the person on the other end, tell her that they were thinking of her. Let her know that we care. You, God, are a miracle worker, I pray for a miracle for this lady. Amen.

Burning Inside


The day went by without struggle

My mind was placed on rewind

The Christmas tree stared back at me

Leaving nothing but memories of time.

I get lost in the sadness of life

Like the hurricane’s middle eye

I don’t want to be like this tomorrow

I don’t want to lay down and die.

It was easy to remember the pain

Of December first five years today

When I held my daddy in my arms

And he quietly passed away.

Now dealing with Al’s illness

Is nothing I would wish on you

It sucks me in like a funnel

And takes joy and turns colors of blue.

Today is a new day for me

I am

387e sunrise in the clouds

taking my brother to lunch

I hope that he chats and has smiles

Instead of pain and a body that’s hunched.

I pray for my life to look brighter

I pray for the smiles to return

I don’t like how I have been feeling

I have to stop trying to yearn.

Life is what it is and I have to accept

I can’t keep looking back, but it’s hard

I need to look to my future

And play with the deck and each card.

Life is not always a joy as promised

It can be filled with bumps in the road

I carry pieces of each chapter

And now my body is on over load.

I pray for peace and comfort

I look at my God in the eye

I ask for another day

I promise I will also try.

To see the good in life, the past slip by, the sun shine bright, giving new fresh light, the love from you, shining through and through.

Thank you friends for bearing with me through my bumps in the road.

Terry Shepherd

12/02/2012