Divided Heart

She threw a cooking pot at him and he ducked. Curse words that attacked like swords were flying through the air. She was crying and he was staring at her as if dumbfounded. He was thinking, what in the world is wrong with her. Is she on her monthly period? She is acting like a crazy woman.

There never seems to be a day where a piece of yarn is not wrapped around my heart. Tugging at it and reminding me that I have no mate or companion in my life. I try very hard to let it rest in God‘s hands, but secretly worry that God does not wish for me to have anyone special in my life.

I am not talking about the hard-core excitement of life. I am more speaking on the gentle waves of the ocean. To have the support and love of another human opposite sex. To go to bed together at night and talk about nothing. To roll over on my side, knowing I am safe and secure.

It makes me feel weak inside when I realize that  I do not want to depend on my own self and feel contentment at what I have in my life. I am always wanting more. There are other times when I thank God that I am alone.

Relationships have to be worked at by both sides. Communication is a must. In today’s world I am not sure which becomes more important. The thrill of a few moments together, or the need to build an ever lasting bond.

For many months I have witnessed tears and arguments and stress from this one couple. Relationship brought together by looks, locking in children from past lives, trying to live as a whole.

It rips at me when I see the anguish and the pain. One’s story is completely different from the others. I try to remember back to what I desired as a young lady and a new bride. I hope that I thought more of happy ever after. I can not be honest here without saying that my curiosity was not highly peaked at what goes on behind bedroom doors, but I do know that I was thinking one marriage, long-term, til death us do part.

For this couple I know, I can be a good listener, but I can not tell them how to live. I can not be a judge and tell either of them, that I can see so clearly some of the mistakes being made.  You ask why, and the reason is mainly none of my business. If I say this or that to one or the other, it could be used against me like daggers if the two got back together. I am not going to take my chances on that. It is better for me to listen and let them each know I care.

I don’t know if this is a common thing or not. I have not done any studies. All I have to go on is  people in or near my own life. It appears that two do not listen to each other. Each one is more interested in their own hurt and their own needs, wanting to prove the other wrong. Does it take listening to make it work? I think so, but when we are damaged it is easy to be on the automatic mode of defense.

When I hear the foul words coming out of mouths, and items tossing through the air, cheating going on behind each others backs, I have to wonder what is keeping the two together. Maybe it is fear within itself. Lack of confidence to move on, maybe some sort of love is still lingering. I don’t know, but it is at these times

Red Yarn | 331/365 (EXPLORED)

I am glad, I am only responsible for me.

I don’t want added stress in my life. I have been there, done that. I don’t expect a fairy tale life anymore. What I dream of is going out to dinner, a lightly dimmed atmosphere, with an adoring companion. When the thought crosses my mind of me and another human becoming intimate, a hesitation begins to form.

I must be scared. Scared of not being able to go back once I have crossed the line. Scared of the relationship not lasting, of getting hurt once again. I heard someone tell me one time, that you can not be happy until you have gone through the hurt to find the right one. Maybe I do not want to be hurt again. Maybe I really don’t want a relationship as badly as I thought.

When I look back at my writing, it seems like I do not want to test the waters, but yet I want a rock to lean on. I guess I can not have it both ways. I do know that when I witness what I see in bad relationships, I thank my lucky stars that I am single, but can I still hope, can I still dream? Could there really be that person out there, with the same thoughts and needs as I have? Are there still men who recognize respect, love and understanding? Or is this a thing of the past. I don’t know anymore, but I am sure that in my divided mind, I will once again let that string of yarn tug at my heart.

24 thoughts on “Divided Heart

  1. My dear Terry, my friend. You told me once, you will never forget me. And I said: “me too, I will never ever forget you”. And here I come because I do remember YOU in your most trying times, if I may say that.

    My dear friend, it is in how much you desire a thing that matters; never how much you are afraid of it. I do understand how you were so cautious at taking ‘risk’ to try another relationship. Who would take risk at taking another possible heartbreak the next time around. There’s a saying: “if you want to know how lucky you are, take a look around you; you will find that there are others who are more unfortunate than you are.” Then, and only then you would say: “how lucky I am still”.

    My friend: never take a cue from bad relationships – it is always uninspiring. But take a cue from good relationships which are still too many more than the bad ones – aside from inspiring and discouraging, it gives you positive vibes until one day you might begin to drop all those negative thoughts, fear, hesitations, apprehensions and the likes. You might say: “No, they were just lucky ones, not me; I am already doomed”. Indeed you are doomed, if you think that way. But those good relationships were not lucky to be good. They had worked for it, you can ask any couple in good relationships. It was not all heaven though; it was just sweeter the next time around after both parties realized after they had shed off some emotional baggage.

    Like me, for example. You would have never said “you will never forget me” if I did not make myself unforgettable to you. You got me friend? How many times marriage counselors would tell us: “Love is never expected much more demanded; it is something deserved”. Well, your hubby (or former hubby?) may just be one of the very few exceptions, but one thing is very certain. NOT ALL MEN ARE LIKE YOUR HUSBAND. So hone yourself to be ready again, and more importantly make yourself available for it and do something to make Mr. Right feel you deserve him because you are Mrs. Right now.

    Good luck my friend, and always remember: true friends always feel what the other friend feels. Please cheer up; we are your friends on stand by like fire volunteers ready to come to the rescue.


    • you are right. As soon as I see your name, I remember instantly who you are. I only wish that at this moment I could reach across the screen and give you the biggest hug. I think I am just too emotional from today with my brother to be thinking straight. I am strong but today I am weak and tired. I am watching my brother slowly die in front of me, and it makes me reflect back to me as if looking in the mirror of my soul. because of people like you I will turn the sails to the upright position and continue to move forward until there is no further i can go. big hugs for you my friend. I so think so highly of you


      • Thank you my friend for speaking so highly of me. I can feel your tight hugs and I am happy at how you may have found some essence in my words – which I meant so sincerely for a friend. I know you are strong despite the ‘trials’ but the human body and spirit have only so much carrying capacity. You may be weak and tired now, but you would surely emerge better tomorrow. The wheel of life does not stop while you are down under. NO.

        Still, I am tempted to ask the question: why some are tried harder than others? It is because God knows others don’t deserve to be tried like YOU. Given the same trials, others of lesser stuff, may have already collapsed while you are still standing. Is it always you who is tried this way? NO, my friend. Others were given harder trials than you, and yours may just pale in comparison. Why are we tried by the Good Lord? Isn’t it that God is good? YES, my dear; He is always Good. Believe me.

        After you pass this trial, you will be promoted a hundred notches up. When and how.. sometimes God does not bother to let us know.. God’s blessing is immeasurable, unfathomable, unnoticed, but when you begin to realize why you are still breathing, you will begin to know and to understand. I feel so much for you my friend, believe me, and like you I will cut across the screen to hug you, to comfort you and even to extend material support, if I could.


      • Thank you so much Maxim for walking into my life. You are a joy to have as a friend. thank you for your comforting words. they do help in more ways than you can imagaine


  2. Pingback: My Sharing with Terry | maxim sense

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