Honest Answers Only

This class that I started today was pretty good. I found out that on January 24th they are meeting as a group to socialize at a local restaurant and have invited me to go. This would be good for me. The highlight of the luncheon is reading books and discussing them. The teacher of the class asked me if I read books, and I kind of chuckled and said no, but I write and have written one book and started another. She seemed excited. She treated me like I was someone famous. I laughed out loud, because I definitely am not famous.

Now I wish I would have lied and said yes I read books. She wants me to read one of my poems or a short story. You know me. I don’t think I am good enough or have enough talent to read in front of people.

Give me your honest opinion. Do you think I should do this? Or will I make a fool of myself in front of these nice people? Should I politely turn her request down?


I Will Remember You

I took a nap after I blogged today

Now I am better but numb in some ways

I see a weakness inside of me

I need to fix so I am not weak in the knees

It bothers me when I see the anger set in

Where are the smiles that would turn to grins

Does Parkinson’s cause this big of deal

Spinning the personality wheel

Mumbling and cussing is not really his style

Maybe this anger will stay only a while

I hope the new increase in meds

Will cause sleepiness and put him in his bed

I thought the only thing I would ever see

Is maybe Al not walking like he used to be

But it seems to me this disease is really bad

Wanting to steal all that Al always had

I guess it is possible that he may not know

Or remember me or his coca cola show

I don’t wish this illness on anyone

The patient or daughter or even the son

I wish that I could blink my eyes and say

On the count of three you will be gone this day.alvin at fireworks

Support Hug Please

al and meToday I started one of my classes and it was so good to talk to other humans that were not ill. After it was over I went to see Al. I needed to take him some pants that I had found plus visit.

The Social Services found me and did a check on Al’s room. He had four cars there that were collectibles and of value. She made me take them home. It broke my heart because I knew that he enjoyed looking at them. She and I finished and then I was getting ready to go back down to sit with him while he finished his lunch.

I saw Al coming down the hall all bent over but using his walker. He was frustrated and mumbling but I could hear the wicked things coming out of his mouth. I went to meet him and the first thing he was upset about was the wet floors and the wet floor sign. He ranted and raved about them being in his way. He said they didn’t care if he fell or not.

The real problem I discovered was that he had to go potty. He was so afraid that he was going to have an accident. I told him he may want to consider using the bathroom before he went to a meal, and he said he did. He was also concerned that if he wet himself, people would laugh. I explained about him wearing his brief and that no one would see anything, and he could just change briefs.

He was mad and irritated. He cried all the way back down to the dining room. He and I saw a lady beginning to take his meal and I sort of yelled a head letting her know he was coming back to finish it. She stopped and did not take it. He cried some more and tried to claim she wanted to throw his meal a way and wanted him to starve. I tried talking to him, saying we saved it and then an activities director butted in and told Al,” You should have said something that you were coming back”. This made Al cry even harder and he said he did everything wrong. I explained to the director that with Al’s mentality, he only thinks for the moment. I said that thinking a head to the next fifteen or twenty minutes is not in his thinking process. She came back with a remark, “Well, then we can’t be responsible for taking his food and throwing it away”.

I said nicely and with a small smile,” I just told you his mentality will not let him say that. You are making him feel bad, now please stop “. She grinned at me and said,”Well, there is nothing we can do”. and I said, “Stop talking right now”.

Al was a mess. He was crying, agitated, mad. I could not calm him down. Then the social services lady came up and told Al that she made me take his four cars home. The talking stopped with Al but more tears fell, and these were gentle tears. I couldn’t take it. I know they have rules but I could not take it.

What little bit of gratification I got this morning was wiped out. I wanted to comfort Al but instead I told him I would see him later and left like a big coward. I didn’t want to break down in tears right there in front of him. I was afraid he would think I was taking his side and then more war would break out between the facility and him.

I hate it that he can’t have hardly anything else in his room. Just petty things. The housekeeping even threw a way an open box of chocolate covered cherries I had bought him for Christmas.

I can’t take it, I just can’t take it. I can not buy him anything he wishes anymore because they took all of his money. I sit here helpless and feel beat up. It wouldn’t do any good to buy him anything anyways, he could not have it.

What a coward I was by leaving. I had no choice but to come home and write to you, my friends. I want to protect him like from everything that hurts him, but I can not. I found out that the doctor did increase his pain meds and this will start tonight at bedtime. I am sorry, but I am hoping that the new dosage increase will somehow make him forget what he thinks he is losing.

I hate it because the Parkinson’s is changing Al’s personality from a gently smiley man to a grumpy man who barks at anyone. What can I do??? I am so frustrated. I just hate this PD so very very much