Updated Soul


Chip

Chip

I am sorry I lost it. I feel so ashamed for my behavior earlier. The thought of Al not being able to walk anymore sort of made me crazy. I try so hard to stay a tough heart person but I guess I suck at it.

It isn’t truly that Al will can not walk, it is that it isn’t safe for him to walk. The little bit of muscle he has left will be drained quickly. I talked to them and there will be no more therapy, no more leg exercises, only arms, to strengthen more or as much as possible to now keep the wheel chair going by himself.

Everything in stages. Walk alone, then learn to walk with walker, then different muscles to learn to push the wheelchair before someone has to push him. I know that I will survive and I appreciate all of the prayers.

I feel like the only way I can get through this is to be hard skinned. I see that a lot these days. People pretending they don’t care about anyone but their own life. No more helping hands unless you make them feel so guilty they reach out.

The world has changed and yet I have remained back in time. I really wish I wasn’t make out of cotton balls and fluff clouds. I wish I could just say, hey, this is the deck that I was dealt, so deal with it.

I went back and read that blog and my face blushed. I sounded like a kitten that got its tail run over. There are so many people who are facing bigger challenges than Al. I am ashamed and so I am sorry I acted like a big baby.

Nothing has changed since I wrote it but minutes ticked by on the clock. No one was waiting for me to wake up after my nap. I still had to make my own supper when I got up. So I need to deal with what life throws me. I am the biggest one to reach out to others and be there, but I am the worst at staying strong myself.

Can I turn this heart and soul in on a newer model? I need to be updated. Please someone check the chip in my brain. I think it is burnt out.

31 thoughts on “Updated Soul

  1. Terry,

    Don’t be ashamed of your post or your pain. You are who God created you to be. He doesn’t make us all the same, therefore, we all react differently to stress and pain. Also, please don’t minimize your feelings. Just because there are others who may suffer worse things than Parkinson’s (who determines which diseases and illnesses are worse, anyway?), doesn’t mean that your feelings aren’t valid.

    I feel the Lord leading me to share this Scripture with you. I pray it accomplishes what He sends it to accomplish. Be comforted, my beloved sister.

    Isaiah 54:4-8 – Fear not; you will no longer live in shame. The shame of your youth and the sorrows of widowhood will be remembered no more, for your Creator will be your husband. The LORD Almighty is His name! He is your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel, the God of all the earth. For the LORD has called you back from your grief — as though you were a young wife abandoned by her husband,” says your God. “For a brief moment I abandoned you, but with great compassion I will take you back. In a moment of anger I turned My face away for a little while. But with everlasting love I will have compassion on you,” says the LORD, your Redeemer.

    Much love in Christ,
    Cheryl

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    • I love that scripture and I am not sure I have seen it before, so a big thank you. I started thinking about my blogging friends and how they suffer through so much worse than not being able to walk and I felt ashamed

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      • Shame does not come from God. Conviction does, but guilt and shame are weapons of the devil, and they do nothing but hinder us from accomplishing God’s will. You are advocating for your brother now, and the devil doesn’t like that. He wants you to think that you are too weak to do the task set before you, but God is much bigger than that.

        Don’t be fooled or distracted by the enemy’s tactics. You go in the strength of the knowledge of Christ, knowing that He is with you, and that He will give you the words to speak on your brother’s behalf at the right time. He loves Al even more than you do, and He will give you supernatural wisdom tomorrow.

        I will also be praying for you Terry.

        Love,
        Cheryl

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      • I never thought of it like that. This could be the devil working through me? Oh my Gosh. I am without words. I hope that I do fine tomorrow. thank you. you are so strong

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    • many are worse off than Al having his walking taken a way. I don’t know how you do it Julie. you have guts of steel. Just knowing that better days have gone by is hurting for him, not so much for me. I could care less about myself, it is always him i think upon

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  2. Why are you apologizing?? I think you harder on yourself than any of us are. This is you’re blog, and you have every right to post and feel what you want/need to. We’re not your parents, we’re your friends here to support your battles. xo

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  3. When we hurt, we cry. When we cry, it’s nice to have shoulders to lean on and pats on the back saying “there, there…” That’s what we’re here for, Terry, through the tears and the laughter, and always, always the Love! xoxoM

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    • that is it exactly. you have hit it dead on. it is the shoulder to lean on, the knowing that there are rocks for me to lean on, but then i thought about all the other people who have it worse off than being confused and being confined to a wheel chair and i felt ashamed for falling apart

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  4. Never be ashamed for honesty. It is a virtue, not a shame. You have so much reason to be proud of yourself, and so much reason to be upset as you watch Al’s changes. Your concern reflects the empathic person you are. That in itself is a blessing to Al, to yourself, and to all of us with whom you communicate.

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    • Thank you Mona. I needed you to say this to me. I needed you to say that I am alright, that I am not a wimp or not tough enough. I try so hard to be rough around the edges but I can never be who I am not. Thank you for knowing me so well

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  5. I’m glad you wrote what you did. Nothing wrong with it at all. Sharing these verses with you today…

    By faith we have been made acceptable to God. And now, thanks to our Lord Jesus Christ, we have peace with God. Christ has also introduced us to God’s gift of undeserved grace on which we now take our stand. So we are happy, as we look forward to sharing in the glory of God. But that’s not all! We gladly suffer, because we know that suffering helps us to endure. And endurance builds character, which gives us a hope that will never disappoint us. All of this happens because God has given us the Holy Spirit, who fills our hearts with his love. (Romans 5:1-5 CEV)

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  6. You’ve nothing to be ashamed of, Dear. Nothing at all! May I speak to it from another perspective? From the perspective of the receiver of care? Over the past few years I have found that I must rely on my Companion for so many things that I would never have dreamt of asking for help with just a short time ago. He helps me getting dressed and getting my shoes on because I’ve begun having issues with balance. I fall a lot. When walking or using stairs (that’s a lot in this city!), he has to hold my hand. And, he has to help me bathe. I’m quite certain he has his weak moments, just as you do, when he rails against the weakness, the loss of freedom and so forth. But, that’s to be expected. In my opinion, when you are hurt and angry about the things Al has to endure, it’s another expression of your love for him and your desire to protect him. Believe me, being on the receiving end is also exasperating and frustrating. But, despite the horror of it, and sometimes the shame, we still love and appreciate those who are there for us, helping us along. God be with you!

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    • I loved having your view. it gives me an insight to how Al may look at his own life receiving the help. It is a rewarding moment to help others who need it, but it is very emotional and sometimes painful. thank you so much for this special comment

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  7. Terry, why should you be ashamed for anything – and don’t worry about Al being in a wheelchair. My mum have been in wheelchair for 3 years … there is many … even from young age that have to be in a wheelchair – it doesn’t mean the life is over. You have to put your guilt away and … take life as it comes, don’t get upset for every change in Al’s life. It has nothing to do what you have done or what you have said. It’s his illness!! So take a deep breath and look at the big picture. My thoughts are with you.

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  8. I think it shows how brave you are that you shared as much as you did with us. I know it’s hard, but don’t be embarrassed, we are here to support you and life is a hard one most of the time. Thank you for confiding in us and just know that now that you’ve explain everything, you have so many prayers being reached out to you 🙂

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    • believe me I am not a brave soul. sometimes i fear to be myself to speak about who i truly am. but it helps me to understand that i am who i am and be happy with it and all that comes in my path, i am able to still move forth. thank you

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  9. You’re being human and as such, going through the waves of emotions before you find shores again. Totally normal, don’t be too hard on yourself as you are going through tough times already. Be your best support.

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  10. Terry you are a strong woman but you are human and you have been given a lot of support in the comments given and scripture to help you through, just know that all caregivers feel the way you do at one time or another over and over and especially for those we love. Just remember if it wasn’t for God’s grace hope would be gone forever and right now you need strength, support and hope just give it over to the Master and His love will see you have all needs met for both of you. Love and hugs my friend {{{xx}}}

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    • I am sure there are other caregivers in my position and I feel for them also. i am trying very hard to stay positive but it is difficult with so many bad changes happening too often, but i am trying…………….thanks for a very comforting comment

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