Last evening, at approximately 2.40 a.m. I received an email. It was the notification from a blog that I have followed since the beginning of my entry into WordPress- kyllingsara. In my email account, all I could see was a small blurb of the blog post, and I tried not to worry. For in WordPress, sometimes silence is good news, and words are the real killer. I hurried to click on it, for it had been so long since there was any word from Sara. I wish what I had read was something different. I lay on my carpet, shocked. I felt so frustrated. So saddened. All I could see in my mind was the beautiful child who had been, and the horrors in this world that had dared to lay hand on her. It made me angry. So angry. As I struggled to withhold tears, all I…
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Before I went to see Al today, I spent yesterday sleeping off the unanswered questions and researching the internet for help. Some of you have provided me with links which I looked at and have saved. Tomorrow is Monday, and a holiday. I will do my best to get some new roads to look at for Al.
I did discover by going to the State of Indiana Health Boards that I was able to take a look at the scores and test results from the last State Inspection. It had been created in January of 2011 I believe. It showed me what I suspected. They ranked in below average compared to other places.
The worst targets for getting written up were lack of interaction with residents. Too few staff was another siting. Not enough nurses. Residents left in their rooms with no encouragement to partake in activities. Pills being given more often than not and some over-dosing accidents were stated.
The first words that caught my attention though were the ones that said, residents left alone with no interaction, causing anxieties and depression.
This really stood out to me as I notice more and more that Al seems depressed, quiet and down in the dumps. When I went to see him today it was what I would call a below average visit. He was quiet at first and then he blurted out,” I am trying to be good Terry. I am trying to stay out-of-the-way so the staff won’t get mad at me. Do you think they will like me better if I am good”?
The poor guy. I am sorry but this made me feel so bad. I can not blame every single thing on Al’s Parkinson’s Disease, just as I can not blame it all on the staff. I can however, blame the ball. The ball that goes round and round starting with the Administrator and swinging down to the CNA’s. It is no one’s fault and yet it is everyone’s issue.
Al does need to watch what he says to residents. He does need to be careful of becoming angry. On the flip side, is he doing these things on purpose? I choose to believe no. He has always had issues of this and that, but he has always been a social butterfly, trying his best to get people to notice him.
Here at home on Christmas Day I observed more than once Al trying so hard by repeating himself to others what he wanted to say. He was ignored. When Al gets ignored I get hurt. I can’t help it. I know he is what we would not call normal, but should we shut him out, shut him in a room because he wants to know someone loves and cares about him? Don’t we want the same thing from others? Why else do we marry or get involved in relationships? I don’t think it is because we want to be alone.
I was very honest and open with Al. I told him I did not know the outcome of what was going to happen. I said” I am so glad that you are trying your hardest, and Al, I know that most of the time you do not mean to be rude to others. I know you want these people to like you and it all just seems so big when you are having your pain too”.
I went on to explain that tomorrow I am gong to start making some calls. I explained that I want him to be happy and I will do my best. I asked him if he had a choice of coming home and going to a group home which would he prefer. He said he wanted to stay where he was. He said he didn’t want to come home because we could never find help to stay, so he chose the group home.
He was very calm today but very sad-faced. I know he feels so bad at the thought that this place does not want him there. I took in one of his antique cars and asked him if he wanted me to push him in the wheel chair down to his buddies room to show it to him. I ended up pushing him for a ride all around the facility and then we went to his friend’s room. They spoke a few minutes talking about the car and then church was getting ready to start.
His buddy asked him if he wanted to go. Letting him know that he himself was going. Al started to cry and said, “I can’t. It just makes me cry. I am too emotional”. The guy looked at him and then me and I just told his friend that we were heading back to his room now.
I planned on staying longer but I guess the ride wore him out. He was ready to lay down and rest.
Buddy, I am going to do the best darn job I can to help you fit into a place that you will enjoy and feel comfortable. You deserve it bud, I love you.
I feel so trapped
I can’t breathe
I feel like I have tapped
Out of all options
All ideas are gone
Life is leaving my lungs
I have sung my last song
I tried to tell you
What is in my heart
I have done my best to show you
How I feel different and apart
And now I am faced with
The knowledge of my fear
I fear the worst
That death is very near
Oh please someone hear my words
Please listen to my cries
Help me get out of here
Please come wipe my eyes
I never thought it would be
The way it has turned out
One mistake has trapped me
And now all I can do is shout
I am breathing my last breath
As I stand here all alone
I am waiting for the knock
To take me to some other home
I promise I am sorry
For what I have done to you
Please say you will forgive me
Before this day bids ado.
I was so distraught today when I received an email notification from a friend that I used to speak to several times a day here at WP. It was her husband informing me that Sara had taken her life.
My heart broke in to many shattered pieces. I could hear them breaking into tiny puzzles as they hit the floor. My heart went out to the husband as I was reading this short to the point post.
Why? Why did this happen? Although, I am the last one to understand what was actually going on inside her head, I hoped with all my might, that I may at least bring some comfort to her at the point in time of her need.
What allows us to believe that our life is so worthless that the only choice we see in front of us is suicide? What right do we have in the eyes of God to take our own life? I am speaking as a Christian woman here. Some of you may agree and others may not. This is alright. It will not destroy in any way the feelings I carry about you my friend.
I, myself have been so sad for the past few months. There is a light layer of my soul that can understand a person believing there is no way out. Sara blogged and clung to us bloggers just as I do. None of us are guaranteed an easy life. The road we walk until death comes to take us is filled with rocks to climb over and plenty of dips to sink in.
The dips that we fall into are when I try even harder to look towards Jesus Christ. He is the only way to keep from drowning into the pit of death. I believe God wants us to lean heavily on him. He reaches both arms out and we are to take a hold of each one and let him lift us up.
Some of us in this world do not believe in God. Others question if there is even a God out there. I have found over and over that when the dip we fall into is too deep, God reaches his hands farther down and with one request of help me Lord, he will save us.
It breaks my heart for Sara. She and I spoke often about God. She wasn’t sure. She questioned his existence. But, the important thing was she was thinking about it. She was reading the verses. She was searching the word. I don’t know where her mind was at the time she took her life, but I hope that she now has peace and is in God’s hands.
I love you Sara, and I will miss you greatly.
- 2013 Roe vs. Wade Speech by Rev. Rusty Lee Thomas (christianprolifenews.wordpress.com)
- God allowed the call, the Holy Spirit sent a text, and Jesus knocked on the back door … (alifegivingmoment.wordpress.com)
- Feeding the sheep… (laweeks.com)
- RIP Sara (crazyinthecoconut.co.uk)
- Single Mom Notes to Daughters by Elisabeth Corcoran (smoreforwomenblog.org)
- “My Way Isn’t Working… Where Do I Start to Learn to Be a Godly Wife?” (peacefulwife.com)
- The resume of Jesus Christ (pastormikesays.wordpress.com)
- He Chose You To Recieve His Gift (carolynrice.wordpress.com)
- Today’s Word With Joel & Victoria Osteen – Listen To Your Heart (todaysanewday.wordpress.com)
- New Title Helps Readers Gain a Personal Relationship with God (prweb.com)
Sunday morning came today
Took my bath now going to pray
Getting my special dress laid out
Panty hose and undies about
It is the day we go to share
With others who do also care
A day to celebrate in God‘s house
Everyone will be quiet as a mouse
The preacher will preach about how we look
From the leather-bound gold-trimmed Bible book
The choir will sing and we will follow
Then afterwards we’ll take a swallow
Of wine and taste the broken bread
Just as Jesus did when he had led
For people to do as he did say
To live a godly life each and every day
Do unto others as you wish them to do
Treat them with kindness and they’ll return it to you
So drink my coffee and eat my meal
Put on my clothes and my best high heels
It is Sunday morning and it is a special way
To share with Jesus and friends today.
- Preachers Must Preach Jesus (vineandbranchworldministries.com)
- Preachers Must Preach Jesus (loopyloo305.com)
- Preachers Must Preach Jesus (maddmedic.wordpress.com)
- Jesus, the SON of the Almighty God…is God? (jesusisms.wordpress.com)
- John Piper – What we need to know about evil (rodiagnusdei.wordpress.com)
- R. C. Sproul – Jesus and His Active Obedience (rodiagnusdei.wordpress.com)
- Thoughts on a Six-Year Old Sermon (deprofundisclamaviadtedomine.wordpress.com)
- John Calvin: The Mystery of the God-Man (samuelatgilgal.wordpress.com)
- Never Look Down on Children (thoughtsonscripture.com)
- African Children’s Choir performs at Raleigh’s St. Timothy’s School (newsobserver.com)