I did it! The sun was shining, the skies are blue, and it is a big 36 degrees outside. I could no longer resist. I put on my heaviest sweat pants and a big bulky sweatshirt. Put my kitty cat hat on so my ears were totally covered and my coat. Slipped on my winter boots and went out and started the lonely car.
I am surprised it started as it is used to having attention paid to it. It started right up so I let it warm up while I went inside and gathered the trash and all the loose rugs. I took the rugs outdoors and let some fresh air sink into them. I got in my car and felt slightly out-of-place. Should I give up my license since I have not driven for so long? LOL.
I put the car in drive and let it lead me to the main dumpster areas and got rid of the trash. Then I visited the mail box at the center of the park. I got the mail. I was afraid to open the mailbox as maybe the mail would fall out onto the ground, but it was cool.
One day earlier this week my neighbor went to get my mail for me, but you know how junk mail can over take a tiny box.
Oh the fresh air. Oh how I let if fill my nostrils. So crisp and clear. I am not well enough to open my mouth and take all of that fresh air into my lungs but I sure wanted to. I didn’t run around or anything. I was good and came straight home.
I patted the dash-board and told my car I would miss her but I would be back soon and then got out and locked the doors. I came back inside and I was a little sweaty. Probably because I have not done much moving around for fear of coughing. As long as I felt good I went ahead and swept my bedroom, living room, bathroom and kitchen.
After this I brought in my rugs and put them back in their familiar spots. I had to end up washing up as I was a little clammy by then. I got back in my house coat and slippers. You know this outfit is beginning to feel almost too comfortable.
I am so proud! My house is cleaner than yesterday. I got some fresh air. I visited my car and the mailbox and even the trash dumpsters. See how little it takes to amuse me? I have coughed some but not too bad. That’s it for the day. No more excitement, but I can definitely tell healing is taking place.
Please be careful of whose air you inhale. You don’t want this. It causes every muscle in your trunk area to become exercised and very sore from constant coughing. It does very little for sleeping at nights. I have learned to sleep sitting up and have become quite good at it. I don’t know if this type of weird bronchitis could become fatal but I am so thankful I am not in my seventies and eighties. So take care of yourself and don’t go down the road I have. It is definitely the wrong turn.
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Sure, you turned out pretty good, but is there anything you wish had been different about your childhood? If you have kids, is there anything you wish were different for them?
Even though I was a kid and didn’t understand life and how events could help mold your future, it happens. I think most of us are molded somewhat by what our environment was while we grew up.
For me, I always sensed somewhere within me that I didn’t fit in. Oh no one ever said it out loud. No one ever told me I wasn’t wanted or loved. It was just something I felt. Maybe images that remained in my head buried alive, but somehow they came out maybe during sleep or dreams.
As I got older I learned I had two mothers. One who tossed me a way and one who did her very best to love me and take care of me. For this I will be ever grateful as my step-mother was a wonderful woman.
She not only held this newly acquired family together she was a very smart lady. She held a respected position in her work force. She did many wonderful, moving things for the community.
I can‘t even say at this moment so many years later if it was her or I. I suspect it was more me than her. Hidden images, words and memories helped me to block a relationship from growing into a beautiful flower. Instead I blamed her for the break-up of my parents.
This of course was ridiculous. My real mother didn’t want my brother and I. She was a rotten player that didn’t want anyone else to have us either. She and our father played cat and mouse games for a couple of years until the divorce finally became legal. Our new step-mother met our tiny little family and took us in no questions asked. I was the one who held out over jealousies. I am so ashamed of this today.
There are many things that we learn through maturing in our lives. I am so grateful that I did turn myself around and make amends with our step-mom before she passed on. I can see things clearly today that were so foggy when I was growing up.
Divorce is a wonderful and wicked thing. It frees the two that married but if there is any damages left hanging it can latch on to the children and even the adults. Don’t get me wrong. I am not dogging divorce. There are instances when it is definitely needed. It is how we handle life after the papers are signed.
For me I have been married and divorced also. Stupid mistakes I have made, maybe not fighting hard enough for what belonged to me. The point is I messed up. I looked more at my own inner pain and was blinded to what I was doing to my own children. I love my children to death but I believe if I would have acted in a more mature way things would be different today.
As many years as I have been divorced I can still see fragments of those days gone by. I can not turn back the clock. I can apologize until I am blue in the face but some images still remain in their eyes.
So now that I see what has passed, I would go back and although it was very easy to see me above anyone else, I would work so much over-time at placing my kids first above my own needs. After all, I was still molding them into young adults.
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