Sure, you turned out pretty good, but is there anything you wish had been different about your childhood? If you have kids, is there anything you wish were different for them?
Even though I was a kid and didn’t understand life and how events could help mold your future, it happens. I think most of us are molded somewhat by what our environment was while we grew up.
For me, I always sensed somewhere within me that I didn’t fit in. Oh no one ever said it out loud. No one ever told me I wasn’t wanted or loved. It was just something I felt. Maybe images that remained in my head buried alive, but somehow they came out maybe during sleep or dreams.
As I got older I learned I had two mothers. One who tossed me a way and one who did her very best to love me and take care of me. For this I will be ever grateful as my step-mother was a wonderful woman.
She not only held this newly acquired family together she was a very smart lady. She held a respected position in her work force. She did many wonderful, moving things for the community.
I can‘t even say at this moment so many years later if it was her or I. I suspect it was more me than her. Hidden images, words and memories helped me to block a relationship from growing into a beautiful flower. Instead I blamed her for the break-up of my parents.
This of course was ridiculous. My real mother didn’t want my brother and I. She was a rotten player that didn’t want anyone else to have us either. She and our father played cat and mouse games for a couple of years until the divorce finally became legal. Our new step-mother met our tiny little family and took us in no questions asked. I was the one who held out over jealousies. I am so ashamed of this today.
There are many things that we learn through maturing in our lives. I am so grateful that I did turn myself around and make amends with our step-mom before she passed on. I can see things clearly today that were so foggy when I was growing up.
Divorce is a wonderful and wicked thing. It frees the two that married but if there is any damages left hanging it can latch on to the children and even the adults. Don’t get me wrong. I am not dogging divorce. There are instances when it is definitely needed. It is how we handle life after the papers are signed.
For me I have been married and divorced also. Stupid mistakes I have made, maybe not fighting hard enough for what belonged to me. The point is I messed up. I looked more at my own inner pain and was blinded to what I was doing to my own children. I love my children to death but I believe if I would have acted in a more mature way things would be different today.
As many years as I have been divorced I can still see fragments of those days gone by. I can not turn back the clock. I can apologize until I am blue in the face but some images still remain in their eyes.
So now that I see what has passed, I would go back and although it was very easy to see me above anyone else, I would work so much over-time at placing my kids first above my own needs. After all, I was still molding them into young adults.
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