08 | April | 2013

A misty fog hovers

Inside my head

Squeezing out

All the feelings

That I have the

Ability to feel

Some say I

Am so strong

But there are times

When I doubt this

Sometimes what we

Know is good for us

Hurts worse than

When we can hide

Between the fog

And dismiss it

For only one more day

The heart feels

The eyes can see

That life moves

Forward when our

Hands reach out

To stop it

Laughter hidden

Tears can be seen

As the mind soaks

In new words

Taking too long

To digest it seems

It is one stage

At a time that

I must enter

Until it becomes

Perfectly clear

That life must

Not remain the same

That new doors

Will be opened

And others shut

Softly behind

Leaving all pain

To whither a way

Into dust being

Swept up in the

Midst of the fog

Until I can have

Time to understand………

Terry Shepherd

0408/2013

Love (intimacybyclassromance.wordpress.com)
Discouraged (darkjade68.wordpress.com)
Pity (healthoughtful.wordpress.com)

Al has been dismissed from the hospital and back in the nursing home. There is nothing more anyone can do for him. They upped his nitro to the maximum does in order to try to keep his heart at rest.

Al’s heart is suffering from the tremors. He has CAD, and it is getting tired. On the way back home from the nursing home it hit me what the doctors had said. I started shaking so bad I had to pull off the side of the road and I cried like a baby.

I cried for my selfishness in the thoughts of losing my brother. I cried for all Parkinson’s patients. I cried because I feel so helpless. The emergency push to get approved for him to come home has been given. The state called me today while I was at the nursing home. Now it has to be signed by a different area of the State and then a Caseworker is put into play.

I want him to pass a way here at home. I don’t care how hard it is to take care of him, I will not let him die in that nursing home or any other.

The doctor ordered a bed alarm for him. The nursing facility called me at the hospital and said they don’t want to use it because he will get mad at them. I told them, “This isn’t for your convenience, this is to alert you when Al stands up.”

“We just don’t want to use it.”

“Sorry, I don’t want Al to fall anymore than he is.”

“He has only fell here once.”

“Bullshit, he has fallen at least four times that I can think of immediately.”

“He didn’t fall two days ago. He was found on the floor.”

“Oh really? What was he doing on the floor?”

This argument went on for about five minutes and then I said,”I am his guardian and I say use it. No more arguing.”

His heart is suffering and he kept breaking out in clammy cold sweats all day. Many partial baths were given. When we got back to the facility an aid asked Al if he had to go potty. I guess he told her no. Five minutes after they laid him down on his bed he wet his brief, clothes and bed. When the aid found out he had done this she looked at me and said,”I just asked him five minutes if he had to use the bathroom and he said no.”

I told her it is the PD and not Al. I apologized but said,”He is wet and he needs to be changed.”

She got some help and the two changed him. The put a pad between the bed covers and Al’s bottom. She said she had a shower to do so she would change the bed later. To me this was wrong, but I let it go, he was dry for the moment.

He cried because he was embarrassed about wetting himself but I told him, “You can’t help it bud. If you could I know you would get up and go to the restroom. Please try not to feel bad.” I know my words fell on deaf ears.

It has been a bad day. I didn’t receive good news at all. Al life is being cut sooner than later. I am tired. Al is tired. I am sick to my stomach and I keep feeling the tears at times. I love my brother. I know he is suffering but I don’t want to lose him.

If anyone wants to help another PD patient not have to go through what Al does, please go to this website. Look under search or view entries and find Al’s photo with my name under it. He is in his famous red coca cola shirt. Here is the link.

https://terry1954.wordpress.com/2013/04/07/16-the-michael-j-fox-foundation-for-parkinsons-research/

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