Daily Prompt; S/he Said


The cast of Roseanne. (from top left to top ri...

The cast of Roseanne. (from top left to top right) Glenn Quinn as Mark Healy, Johnny Galecki as David Healy, Martin Mull as Leon Carp, Estelle Parsons as Beverly Harris and Laurie Metcalf as Jackie Harris. (From bottom left to bottom right) Michael Fishman as DJ Conner. Sara Gilbert as Darlene Conner, Roseanne Barr as Roseanne Conner, John Goodman as Dan Conner and Sarah Chalke as Becky Conner. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

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Pause whatever you’re doing, and ask the person nearest you what
they’re thinking about (call someone if you have to). Write a post
based on it.

There was no one to ask so I looked at the TV that was playing noise in the background. It happened to be the Roseanne Show. This episode is about her husband having lunch with an old-time ex girlfriend.

Whoa! I used to be a regular visitor to this show. I would watch and laugh all the way through it. Inside somewhere deep in me I always wished to be like her without the rudeness.

I have a hard time speaking my thoughts when I am standing in front of another human. My goal in my life has always been to show love and kindness without hurting your feelings ever.

To this day I find this is a terrible way to live. To not be able to voice my thoughts in a nice way hurts me in so many ways. For one, I give people the idea that I go along with what they are trying to convince me of. I will give until the one that hurts in the end is always me.

Now I am to the point that I worry about my own future because of fear to speak up for myself. What is wrong with speaking the truth? Why am I afraid that I will lose relationships if I don’t agree with others? Am I really being fair to them or to me?

I do enjoy helping others but there is a line that should not be crossed. For in the end when I am in need I realize that I am on my own. I have gotten better by speaking up more, thanks to many friends here at WP.

But it has also caused issues because I am not the same person that others thought I was. I don’t want to be considered a push over. I don’t want others to think just go  hit her up. Use the right words and you can get what you want.

If I was trading places with Roseanne my words would not be so kind and gentle. My words would not tremble out of my mouth. My hands wouldn’t sweat and the fear of losing friends and family would not enter my mind. My knots in my stomach would be gone.

Roseanne would say, This is the way it is for me. These are my thoughts and mine alone. If you don’t like it tough. If you don’t agree with me, fine. Don’t let the door hit you in the butt as you fly out of my house. I will be  here waiting for you when you cool off and we can continue with our friendship.

Then she would go about her business of running her day and loving her family. She has a way with words. I think she is a little rough around the edges but in all, she does get her ideas across. And let’s face it, she must have done something right, because she was a big hit for several years, she is on syndicated stations every day, and she lives on her own island today. Retired and growing nuts. Her bank account will take care of her until death over takes her.

Chapter 1, Parkinson’s Disease Journey


English: An IMAX theatre located in the Tennes...

English: An IMAX theatre located in the Tennessee Aquarium at Chattanooga.

You notice something. You can’t quite put your finger on it but you definitely feel it in your gut. Sitting together at the kitchen table you notice a slight movement of his head. The fingers tremble slightly.

Thoughts enter your head. Is he becoming sick? Should I make a doctor’s appointment? It disappears from your view and in your mind. Life goes as planned. I help him pick out his clothes. He gets dressed and I make sure he has brushed his teeth. All is complete and I run him down to the Day Program.

This isn’t any normal day program. This is a place for adults with disabilities to hang out. Al, my brother, has the chance to feel independence. He can hang out with his buddies. He meets new friends.

He learns to play pool and how to get along with others. With him basically being with me all the time I feel it is very good for him to have friends of his own. He learns that he can get free lunches if he earns them. He sweeps the floor after lunch  or maybe he will set the table for the noon meal.

Al loves to hoard his money. His idea of money is to keep what he can and spend it on himself. Spending it on others is not in his plan. I have worked with him for years about gift giving and he did give in to my wishes but not with smiles.

Al experienced so much at his Day Program. He was able to go see a movie at the IMAX Theatre. He was able to go to Tampa and see ballgames. He went to zoos and the planetarium. There was usually a specific activity geared for learning and enjoyment each week.

The city that we lived in was so big. There were many businesses that donated tickets. The main one was the Symphonies. Al was lucky to get to hear some great music during these years.

Every afternoon when I picked him up he chattered non stop about what he did that day. I would give anything to  hear that chatter today. To see the sparkle in his eyes. To see the smiles spreading from cheek to cheek.

Al and I usually visited a flea market on Saturdays. He would beam from ear to ear if he found a coca cola item for sale. Al didn’t care if he had several of the same things at home. His mental challenges only allowed him to understand that here was something for sale with the words coke on it.

I tried to teach him about running out of room and not buying the same thing over and over. We made some progress but even today now that he has ventured into the classic car collections, he still has the same desires but we try to work through them.

We always made a point to go out to eat on Sundays. We usually went for supper for his convenience. Al is very structured in his routine. I could count on a bad day if I tried to change things around. He had to have a nap each day. So on Sundays it was routine to get up and go to church. Go home and get something light for lunch. He would watch his TV programs until 2:30 pm and then it was his nap time.

He would sleep until 5pm and then he was up and ready to go to supper. I was always amazed at how he had an internal alarm clock. He knew when it was time to rise in the mornings or from naps with his own built-in clock.

He loved to go to a restaurant called Dutch Heritage. You have to understand one thing about Al. I started caring for him when he was the age of 51 years old. Because he had disabilities and mental challenges his whole life he wasn’t along so many times when the family went out to eat.

It wasn’t, I hope, that Mom and Dad didn’t want him along. I believe that Al just liked time by himself. He had some on going  issues with his Dad and I think he enjoyed the freedom of making his own decisions when he was alone.

So the Dutch Heritage was a huge buffet type restaurant. At first when we arrived there I got up from my seat to start selecting my food and Al sat there. I asked, “What are you doing bud? Aren’t you coming?”

He replied, “I don’t know what to do. I am scared.”  He started to cry and then it dawned on me he had never been to a buffet before. I sat back down and taught him all about buffet style and after our first visit to the place I never had to teach him again when we returned.

He took so much pride in choosing his own foods. I sit here and smile as I think back to how he would fill his plate. It didn’t matter how many times we visited, he ate in the same order. His food was arranged the same each time. He would get ham, macaroni and cheese, cole slaw and mashed potatoes and one big roll.

He only went up to fill his plate once. I think he always thought that if he went back twice he or I would have to pay a second time. After our meals were eaten, the waitress would always come around and ask what dessert we wished for. Once again Al would look me in the eye with his starry eyes and with big pride beaming from his soul, he would make his own choice.

Always the same though out of all the choices. Cherry pie with ice-cream on top. Oh those Sunday memories I have with him. Seeing him learning and enjoying freedom of choice were some of the best times I ever had.

 

Path of Life


A very dear friend of mine has shared this song with me. I love that some of you have come to my Facebook and asked to be a friend of mine. It gives me a chance to reach out and chat with others who may not suffer with PD. We all have problems of some kind. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but there has been a time that you need your friends surrounding you. A shoulder to cry on, someone who will listen to your woes.

I cried like a big baby when I listened to the words to this song. This is something that I try very hard not to be selfish, but darn, it is the most difficult thing I have done in many years. To sit back and not think of what I want.

I am weak and yet I have days where I am stronger than my worst enemy. But there is someone stronger than me. His name is Al. I have the opportunity to sit behind this screen and pour out my heart to you. Who does my brother have? He has his God. When I was cleaning his room the other day I was surprised at the wear and tear that is showing on his Bible. He uses it every day, several times a day.

This book that he goes to for comfort has torn edges and turned back pages. I imagine that if my brother goes before me I will treasure this Bible along with my hidden memories. I will pick it up from the shelf it rest upon and I will  hug it to my bosom. I will cry for missing him and I will cry for  his release from pain.

This song reminds me that each day Al lives he is nearing his wonderful journey home. To even write that sentence I felt the worst stabbing of pain. It branded my heart and sent tears to my eyes without my even realizing.

To lose someone is something we have all experienced. We send flowers, we show our love by going to the funeral home. We send cards and give hugs and words of encouragement.

But when it is all over, we sit in our own corner of life and we are forced to begin the healing process or we die inside. For me I am trying to start the reality of his journey ahead of time.

I have been in denial for a long time. I listen with intense burning at others words. I light candles for hope of a cure. I pledge myself for the cure of PD and I beg others to pledge along with me.

I look back to when my own Daddy was dying. I talked to every non-profit organizations. I walked for Light The Night for Leukemia. Yet God wanted my precious Daddy and he left this earth anyways.

This is the fight that is within me. The fight to never give up until the last breath is taken. This is where my pillar stands tall and the light on my candle shines brightest. I am going to lose this game, I know it deep in my pit. But until that day, that moment, that second arrives I will not give up. I will always have a glimmer of hope.

I will look at the heavens and cry for help. I will continue to come to my friends here at WP for added fuel. To God it is a blink of an eye in time, but for me it has been 57 years so far. If it be thy will Lord please let me have a few more years. But if you want him more than I do, I promise I will step aside and not stop you, but the tears will fall and I will be on bended knees and my heart will hurt.

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Type Terry in the Search Views and please vote for my brother. Help cure PD. You can vote once every hour until the end of this month.

http://www.gratefulness.org/candles/view.cfm?l=eng&c=18304661

Please go and light a candle in Al’s name, a group you will find with his name. Please light the candle in Al’s journey.

candle3path of trees