I Can’t See Him, But I Know He Is Here


How does God speak?

I don’t usually write this late in the evening but I had to. I would not be able to sleep if I let this go. I always clean my cookies and shut down the computer but for some reason I did not know one half hour ago why I let everything remain on.

I am sitting here with a stomach ache and pain running through my blood. My muscles feel tight and I almost feel like I am going to vomit. I just got through watching Joyce Meyers. Someone two days ago and if I am thinking right it was my friend Cathy who asked me, have you ever seen Joyce’s testimony show?

I had never seen it I told her. Wait a second, I have to get myself under control. My fingers are turning icy and my arms are quivering. What is going on here? I feel like I am being taken over by something or someone. My neck feels stiff and my feet are cold.

Alright I am going to try this again. I went to my room and flipped on the TV. I always watch Joyce Meyers between 10:30 and 11pm. I think I am freaking out because another friend of mine, Cheryl had asked me to go back to the beginning to write about Al‘s Life Journey.

I had actually started my first chapter beginning when Al was diagnosed with Parkinson’s Disease. I have that saved and will put it in place when I get to that point. I did go back and I was forced to say for the first time out loud that I had been abused. I know Al was too, I just don’t know what kind of abuse he suffered. His fears early in life prove to me something drastic happened to him.

When I watched Joyce I felt like someone was picking me up and pulling me through the TV screen. The show was her testimony show that I was just recently asked if I had seen only a couple of days ago.

As my friend’s question began to race through my mind and  I listened to Joyce’s words about her own sexual abuse I was relating so well it was almost as if I had lived with her when she was young or maybe I was that black shadow watching from the corners.

She had it much worse than me and I thanked God that I don’t remember nearly as well as she does about our childhoods. The more I listened the more I kept asking myself, is this planned for me to hear? Is this book of Al’s Journey of Life supposed to be written right at this time in my life? It was actually making me feel uncomfortable because I could tell with no doubt that God had this all planned to the second. I say uncomfortable because facing fears is not one of my high points in life.

As I am writing this I can almost see a wilting, black rose shrinking over in the corner of my living room. I can almost hear screaming words of No! He can’t win! I am having too much fun. I have controlled her life for so many years. Just a few more years, let me have her for a few more years.

My eyes are watering as I feel this playing out right here in my room I am typing in. I have never seen God but I feel like he is standing so close to me right now I am actually shivering.

I can’t really tell you how I feel about hearing her sermon and how it is connecting to my story. My brain can’t take it in quick enough. But, I do know that something good is going to come from this. I do know that there is going to come a time where I too shall be set free from the feelings of never being wanted all my life.

Some where through this typing I keep getting this nudging that keeps telling me Al is involved with this too. Al is filled up with Parkinson’s. I don’t know how I can help him by God healing me. Maybe it is just that Al consumes my mind so much I am thinking about him even as I write.

Several people have told me through this year of blogging that maybe I am the one to learn a lesson through Al’s illness. I have always dismissed this because I would get angry. I never want or wanted to be the reason Al is suffering from this terrible disease. But now I am softening around the edges. I still don’t know what is happening. I feel foggy and yet I feel God very clear right here, right next to me.

I will stop now because it is almost too much for me to digest. All I know is something happened in my bedroom on my bed while I was listening to Joyce Meyers talk about how God healed her from her past. And now she is a witness to others leading many to Christ.

Good night my friends……….

28 thoughts on “I Can’t See Him, But I Know He Is Here

  1. Terry,

    I know what it is to be abused, and I know what it is to refuse to acknowledge that abuse, when all the while, it was destroying me little bit by little bit… Cling to this verse, my friend… write it on your heart, and repeat it out loud to yourself, whenever you feel as if you can’t go any further… “You shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free.” John 8:32

    Terry, my beloved friend, God is doing something wonderful inside of you, and if you will allow Him to do what needs to be done, I promise you that you will know the joy of walking in complete freedom. I won’t lie to you — the truth is painful. It hurts like crazy, BUT once you face it, with Christ at your side, you will find that it becomes less and less painful, and the chains of fear and rage that have bound you for so many years will come falling off. And let me tell you this, my beloved friend… Whom the Son sets free is free indeed. No longer will you fear what others will think if they knew the real you. No longer will you fear the anger and the rage inside of you, because God will take it away from you — little bit by little bit… The best years of your life are just ahead, and you will be more help to Al than you ever dreamed possible, because God is going to show you how to make his last days more joyful.

    You can contact me anytime on fb, and I promise to get back to you as soon as I get a message, if you need me, and if I don’t get back right away, it’s because I’m not online at the time, but unless I’m away from home, or sick, I usually check in every day. Much love to you my friend, and fear not, for God is with you, and He will never forsake you!

    Love,
    Cheryl

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  2. You are NOT the reason Al is suffering. I think what those people meant is, while this awful illness progresses, you are learning things about yourself from it.

    That’s how life works – stuff happens, good and bad, we react, we learn, we move on.

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  3. You are growing spiritually and healing from God is happening. I have never heard Joyce Meyers testimony I will see if I can find it somewhere. thank you for being so brave and strong, Give God the glory and praise for working in your life.

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  4. This is my work, Terry. It’s what I do. I’m writing about childhood sexual abuse every Friday, on my blog. Started three Fridays ago, I think–maybe four. Under ‘counseling issues’ category. it may help you to read the posts.

    Praying for you. This is huge.

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  5. I have no doubt the Lord is taking you through this in order to take you to a much higher place in your relationship with Him. And the change in you will definitely touch and help to change others. It can be a little scary when the Lord takes you out of your comfort zone, that place you have lived for so many years, and into new areas of the spirit realm with Him. But you are always safe with Him. He will never harm you, forsake you or forget you and what you have been through. I just started reading a book called “Fingernail Moon” about a woman who had to travel around the world in hiding for 5 years in order to protect her 6-year-old (when she first left) daughter from her father’s sexual abuse. In the Forword she talks about wanting to hide from it all rather than finish her book. But there is healing when you allow the Lord to bring these things to the surface, and there is healing for others as you share your own experience. Remember, the Lord “upholds you with His righteous right hand.” Stay there, close to Him, and you will come through this with flying colors for His glory. God bless you, my friend.

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  6. Terry – You do not have the power to cause Al’s Parkinson’s Disease. Neither do you have the power to cause his pain. We don’t have that kind of super power. I agree with what others have said about facing up to your own abuse. I encourage you to do it with the help of a professional. I don’t believe we can say one person’s abuse was worse than another. Abuse at any level scars the soul.

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      • Terry – Those of us that are abused turn into marvelous care-takers. We can’t stand the thought of anyone else ever hurting anyone else again. I’m not a therapist — so please take my words lightly. I do have a masters in Public Administration with emphasis on Psychology. It wasn’t until my husband became very ill in 1987 that my own abuse issues started to surface and I knew I eventually had to face them or I’d never be able to take care of the man I loved or myself.

        Back to your question, yes, I believe all writing of abuse victims resonates what they have been through. It’s hard work making it to the other side where you an abuse survivor and you my dear friend deserve to make it to the other side. It takes so much work but you are strong and you can pour your heart out here on your blog if you so desire or in your daily journal – I found writing to be one of my best outlets. I was not only trying to figure out what was wrong with me but working full time at a very demanding career and taking care of my husband full-time. Everything became much easier once I worked through my own issues but it took years. One size of therapy does not fit all.

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      • I can relate to everything you have said. I do know that writing has also helped me to sort thoughts and put pieces of the puzzle together. After all it was God who told me to start writing. At that time I didn’t even know what a blog was. Thank you so much for talking to me. I very much appreciate it and I take comfort in your words………hugs

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  7. I believe your fellow blogging friends said it quite well…
    I have learned so much about myself…and probably has been such an influence on who I am…by dealing with my son’s bi-polar disorder…
    Sometimes …this is God’s way…and I have learned …and to question too much…is not the answer…

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