Al’s LIfe Journey, Chapter 6

Panic attack

Panic attack

This week could have been better for me. I have suffered minor set backs of almost panic attack feelings. Stress and tight muscles as I went to bed and waking in the mornings  to the same feelings. I wondered if I even slept well at all through the nights.

This has been happening to me ever since the day I thought Jesus was standing very near to me. I think that my mind races like a spinning top about all kinds of things. Al coming home soon. Will I be able to do everything I need to when he is here? The inner guilt of choosing Al over working outside the home. Wondering now that I have written a few chapters what really happened to Al when he was little.

It just seems I do not stop the thought process, and I have learned to hide beneath my covers and sleep. This doesn’t help me long-term. I realize it is a temporary fix but at times it is enough to relax me some.

As I was about at my wit’s end last evening where I just wanted to pull my hair out, fall to my knees in tears, a good friend of mine from Canada called to chat. She told me that she felt she was supposed to call.

God has the perfect timing. He knew that I had enough. My bucket was ready to spill over and he sent a friend to the rescue. We talked for over an hour. I almost didn’t want to talk at first. It is very difficult for me to release the silly feelings that I carry inside. It is much easier for me to pretend that life is good and all is well.

My friend is a very strong Christian woman and so I was able to confide in her questions that had been spinning in my mind and we talked through them. By the time we hung up my tight chest had relaxed and I felt an inner peace I had not felt all of this week.

She made me see the light about caring for Al versus having money in my hands. She told me that God will take care of my needs as long as I am sincere. I feel very sincere when I say out loud, I want my brother home with me. I want to give him all the support I can. I want him to know that he is loved and I will be here with him through this journey of his life.

Maybe once Al is home I can get the routine down pretty well and pick up a job caring for someone else while he is at Day Program. I dare to say that my first book is now done and getting ready to be published very soon, that this would make me any money. I didn’t write it for that reason, to get rich. I know that is a foolish dream.

I wrote it for my children for when I am no longer here. I wanted to leave a mark here on earth, a memory of how I think, but if God wanted me to make money off of it, he will. He is an amazing God and what ever he wishes for me will all be good.

I think one of my deepest thoughts that fly around in my head is Al. When I read back what I have written I see what I was put through at a very early age. I see  how my innocence was stolen from me. But, what about Al? Surely there are reasons that he was so afraid in those young years. I don’t believe that children are born afraid. Something or someone has placed that fear.

My friend and I prayed together over the phone that God shows me how to help Al release the hidden fears he has kept buried all of these years. I can do nothing to help him alone. I have tried so many therapy sessions with him and we get no where. But God can do anything.

It won’t help Al rid the disease of Parkinson’s Disease. It could release bad memories and bring him a release and therefore joy. Seeing Al carry joy in his heart and the two of us leaning on each other can not do anything but help us both.

Knowing that Al believes in his heart that I really do love him would be wonderful. To see him trust me totally would be so wonderful. So now I ask the Almighty God to help me to help Al.

25 thoughts on “Al’s LIfe Journey, Chapter 6

  1. Terry, I’m starting my own radio show next week (guaranteed 4000 listeners). Would you like to be a guest to talk about your book? I still keep all your writing (a grand total of 355 posts since I first heard about you) and I can tell you that you have talent.

    My grandad was only diagnosed with Parkinsons in the last week or so of his life so it was too late to help him. They had no idea that he had that as well as Alzheimer’s. Over the coming months I will be doing a number of charity shows (radiothons) to raise money for both Alzheimer’s (first) and Parkinsons (in a few weeks time). If you’d like to get involved with any of that, you’d be welcome (I know you have enough on your plate. Importantly, is there anything Al/you need that we can buy if we can raise the money? If so, I’d be happy to do so (for example, a hospital where a friend lived lacked, of all things, an MRI scanner. For lack of that, she was sent to Portsmouth as the nearest place – and died en route. We would have raised the money for a scanner if we’d known. It doesn’t have to be anything that big – anything at all that would make your life (or the lives of other sufferers easier.

    I am thinking of you and Al.
    Take care
    All my love


    • the first thing I did was reread your post three times, and then I asked God, what do you think? and I heard go for it! I would be so honored to teach from a caregivers view and speak to others about Parkinson’s Disease. It is a well-known illness with very little information. Just tell me what I need to do and I will give it my best. The one desire that has been instilled in me for many months is to start a support group for caregivers of Parkinson’s patients. I would love to be able to have us talk about what to expect, why we feel as we do, where can we turn to when we are so overwhelmed. but not sure how to get it accomplished. I feel alone and I am sure others do also. Melanie I am so honored that you thought of me,,,,,,,,,,I am so speechless


      • You’re welcome – you’re an inspiration to me. I hope you don’t mind but I lit a candle for you and Al the other day. I need to get my feet under the table for a couple of hours show before getting a guest in, my first two are people I’m VERY familiar with! Coward that I am. I will let you know exactly how it’s going to work in the next week or so – and, importantly, I would ask you to take part in the show where we raise money for Parkinsons. From what I’ve seen and heard, it seems to be a much misunderstood illness and awareness needs to be raised about it. My poor grandad suffered from it for many years – but nobody saw the telltale signs. I will get the ball rolling and be in touch. Do you have a private email address? I ask because that will save me having to confirm after each time I post that I want to get your reply. It’s a scary but exciting project and I believe we can do a lot of good work by pooling our resources. Do you have Skype?


      • Do not be afraid. God is beside you. He wants you to help others and so has given you this special gift. I wanted to thank-you also for lighting the candle for Al. It is very much appreciated.


  2. I understand your anxiety. It was hard on you to care for Al, and now you are going to be doing the same. You felt some hope last time, but this time you know that there is only one outcome that will come from it this time and you are dreading that. You saw Jesus near you, because he was reminding you that through it all he will be there with you to help you through. He knows your struggles, your anxiety (remember he went through it knowing that his journey here on earth was to end on the cross and the closer it came he felt the same feelings we feel in facing things like what you are), and he knows your heart for your brother. Lean on Jesus, Terry, every day and every hour. When you feel that anxiety build…go get a massage, a facial, and then turn up your Praise and Worship music and make a joyful noise unto the Lord. The anxiety will pass, and you will move on holding the hand of Jesus as he leads you through it.


  3. G’day! Good thoughts and vibes coming your way! I am not a religious person (but respect people who are) and many years ago a friend suggested that the man upstairs only gives us what he thinks we can cope with….Hope tomorrow is a better day for you and Al!


    • it such perfect timing. I always try to look at those little things that others miss. we don’t mean to miss them , we just get wrapped up in life, and I try so hard to keep positive that I search for anything to hang on to. hugs!!


  4. i believe somewhere in his heart al knows how much you love him. he just understands things in a different way than you or i. my concern is still for you dear friend, please remember to take care of you.


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