This week could have been better for me. I have suffered minor set backs of almost panic attack feelings. Stress and tight muscles as I went to bed and waking in the mornings to the same feelings. I wondered if I even slept well at all through the nights.
This has been happening to me ever since the day I thought Jesus was standing very near to me. I think that my mind races like a spinning top about all kinds of things. Al coming home soon. Will I be able to do everything I need to when he is here? The inner guilt of choosing Al over working outside the home. Wondering now that I have written a few chapters what really happened to Al when he was little.
It just seems I do not stop the thought process, and I have learned to hide beneath my covers and sleep. This doesn’t help me long-term. I realize it is a temporary fix but at times it is enough to relax me some.
As I was about at my wit’s end last evening where I just wanted to pull my hair out, fall to my knees in tears, a good friend of mine from Canada called to chat. She told me that she felt she was supposed to call.
God has the perfect timing. He knew that I had enough. My bucket was ready to spill over and he sent a friend to the rescue. We talked for over an hour. I almost didn’t want to talk at first. It is very difficult for me to release the silly feelings that I carry inside. It is much easier for me to pretend that life is good and all is well.
My friend is a very strong Christian woman and so I was able to confide in her questions that had been spinning in my mind and we talked through them. By the time we hung up my tight chest had relaxed and I felt an inner peace I had not felt all of this week.
She made me see the light about caring for Al versus having money in my hands. She told me that God will take care of my needs as long as I am sincere. I feel very sincere when I say out loud, I want my brother home with me. I want to give him all the support I can. I want him to know that he is loved and I will be here with him through this journey of his life.
Maybe once Al is home I can get the routine down pretty well and pick up a job caring for someone else while he is at Day Program. I dare to say that my first book is now done and getting ready to be published very soon, that this would make me any money. I didn’t write it for that reason, to get rich. I know that is a foolish dream.
I wrote it for my children for when I am no longer here. I wanted to leave a mark here on earth, a memory of how I think, but if God wanted me to make money off of it, he will. He is an amazing God and what ever he wishes for me will all be good.
I think one of my deepest thoughts that fly around in my head is Al. When I read back what I have written I see what I was put through at a very early age. I see how my innocence was stolen from me. But, what about Al? Surely there are reasons that he was so afraid in those young years. I don’t believe that children are born afraid. Something or someone has placed that fear.
My friend and I prayed together over the phone that God shows me how to help Al release the hidden fears he has kept buried all of these years. I can do nothing to help him alone. I have tried so many therapy sessions with him and we get no where. But God can do anything.
It won’t help Al rid the disease of Parkinson’s Disease. It could release bad memories and bring him a release and therefore joy. Seeing Al carry joy in his heart and the two of us leaning on each other can not do anything but help us both.
Knowing that Al believes in his heart that I really do love him would be wonderful. To see him trust me totally would be so wonderful. So now I ask the Almighty God to help me to help Al.
- My Brother’s Life Journey, Chapter 5 (terry1954.wordpress.com)
- My Brother’s LIfe Journey Chapter 4 (terry1954.wordpress.com)
- My Brother’s Life Journey Chapter 3 (terry1954.wordpress.com)
- My Brother’s LIfe Journey Chapter 2 (terry1954.wordpress.com)
- My Brother’s LIfe Journey, Chapter 1 (terry1954.wordpress.com)
- A.L.S. Update (04/17/2013) (calvinistview.com)
- Appreciating Life As It Is (dellanischoice.wordpress.com)
- Through The Eyes of This Calvinist with ALS (calvinistview.com)
- Happily Ever After… (revelationministry1211.wordpress.com)
- Overcoming Anxiety and Depression without Medication (realintent.org)