Picture It & Write


http://ermiliablog.wordpress.compictureitandwrite2copy-1girl-with-a-back-tattoo

Is this really me I am seeing staring back at me? It can’t be, because this woman I see in my mirror is beautiful, and I am so ugly. I am fat and he has told me so many times over the past years that he felt sorry for me.

He wanted me to know that I wasn’t alone, that he would always be near my side any time. He told me lies. He helped me to believe that no other would ever desire me and because he cared about me he would always try to make me feel beautiful. I have learned that he needed me. But I didn’t realize at that time that I did not  need him. I I was the rabbit and he was the hunter with the gun.

Holding me captured not by his physical power but by his words so full of emotion. Tearing down any self-esteem I may have ever had. Forcing me to believe that I was  a fat worm in a rotten apple.

He never paid any attention to me until I blossomed at 13 years old. I was very shy as a child and when he smiled at me I liked it. He had a way of making me feel so special. I got extra pretty birthday gifts. For Christmas I received expensive gifts. One long box that I opened had my first diamond necklace in it.

He took it out of the box and raised my hair to place it around my neck. I could smell his Old Spice and feel my hairs standing on edge as he breathed so close to my neck. He lured me as a fisherman brings in a beautiful bass.

He took my trust and innocence and broke it into millions of tiny sharp shards  all over the floor. He did this on one night when a knock came to my door and when I learned it was him, I innocently opened it and he stole from me all that I had saved for many years.

Now today years later and an excellent therapist, I look into the mirror and try to do my exercises I was given. I stare at my reflection and I force myself to look close. Is this really me?

23 thoughts on “Picture It & Write

  1. Wowzers…. written with skill, a hard subject to write about too, powerful ending.
    ‘He took my trust and innocence and broke it into millions of tiny sharp shards all over the floor.’
    This story will stay with me for some time.

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  2. This is only of my favorites of your work Terry! Despite the deeply painful subject, which is always hard for me to read, I’m glad she eventually had the realization: “I have learned that he needed me. But I didn’t realize at that time that I did not need him.”

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  3. I’m not sure how to react. There’s a clear legal definition of a statutory rape, but I’ve had to watch relationships just like this between consensual adults and I’ve heard the same things. “You don’t understand, he loves me.” “I can’t leave him because he needs me.” I’m not saying it’s not wrong. I’m just exposing that the only difference is once you’re eighteen no one calls it rape anymore.

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