Daily Archives: May 10, 2013

I Can’t Even Think of a Title For This

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I have been stressed out today. I know, I shouldn’t be this way, but it was just one of those nasty days from outer space. The bad thing is nothing is so major that I am going to have death knocking at my door.

It is all the little pieces of strings that…

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Happy Mother’s Day Mom

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You didn’t have to do it

You could have

Had it different

An easier life

Less stress

And tears

But you chose

Us over another way

And for this

I wish you

Happy Mother’s Day

Miss you Mom

Some day I

Shall see you

And Dad

In heaven.

Terry Shepherd

05/09/2013my mom and dad

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

#FWF Free Write Friday; M is for Mom

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http://kellieelmore.comm-is-for-mom-2

Our mom was my brother and my step-mom. She was the glue that held the family together.

When she passed away in 2000, our little family slowly fell apart. Dad became lost in his own sorrows for a few years.

I never knew what to say or how to comfort and soon time separated us more and more.

It shouldn’t have been that way, but life has a funny way of helping us to either make or not through loss of parents.

I think my brother, Al suffered the most. His  suffering wasn’t done like ours by talking about her and memories. His was done internally. Somewhere inside of his head and heart he built a shell as hard as a walnut.

He became more distant from all of us. He buried himself in coca cola and things that he should have strayed away from. Pretty soon it was evident that our family had come unglued.

I didn’t realize it for a long time that a lot of my own personal problems were due to the lack of being able to go to Mom’s house and talk to her. I didn’t realize that I had counted on her that much in my life.

She and I were never close like chocolate and milk. We were more like apples and pears. I hadn’t seen that through the years that I was growing up. I had omitted to let her know how much she meant to me and how thankful I was that she took us two kids in under her wings.

That has to be tough for parents. I have never taken kids  in to raise as my own. I do know that I have children in my family that aren’t what people call blood related but I fell in love with them as if they were. I always include them when I speak of my grandkids. I don’t see them any other way.

But for a Mom or Dad to take this role on day after day after year I assume there has to be some big adjustment times for adult and child.

Today was a day from hell for my brother. Although his Parkinson’s has brought about some dementia with it and no matter how badly he hurts physically, he never forgets our Mom.

He was really sad today. The real truth is he misses her just as much now as he did years ago when she went to heaven. Mom’s birthday is three days after Mother’s Day and so to him it is a double whammy. I tried so hard to console him today but I know in my heart that he will have to work through this alone.

I know my heart feels the void and there are still many times I want to go to the phone and dial her number, but alas, I can not.

Mom, I never told you this too often. Most likely it was because I was a stubborn brat and didn’t want to admit I may be wrong. I love you Mom. I know I caused you grief. You had your hands full with a full-time job, a new husband, and two new kids. I want you to know how sorry I am.

I am so certain that you and Dad watch over Al and me even now. I hope that you both are proud of how I have cared for my baby brother. I hope you are both smiling down on us. I love you Dad and I miss you so much. I love you Mom and I am sending you hugs from this earth up to you. I will see you soon enough and then I will give you a real big hug. Happy Mother’s Day Mom. You certainly earned your title.

Love, Your Daughter

Terryme and brother

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

monarchfree-write-friday-kellie-elmore

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I Can’t Even Think of a Title For This

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Blue_candleI have been stressed out today. I know, I shouldn’t be this way, but it was just one of those nasty days from outer space. The bad thing is nothing is so major that I am going to have death knocking at my door.

It is all the little pieces of strings that attach themselves to me as I walk upon this land. To start off I checked the mail on the way to go see Al. There it was, that bill that the collection agency called me about. Oh no, it is for real.

There was nothing I could do at that moment. I was on the road. Going in to see Al was a disaster in itself. Al was crying and seemed so depressed when I got there. I wanted to turn around and run but thought to myself,coward.

While eating he was leaning forward so far that food kept falling back out of his mouth. He could barely hold his head upright to eat. Then he would get teary-eyed again because he was frustrated. Then his silverware started playing songs on his plate as his tremors decided to have a party during meal time. That made him cry more.

There was a part of me that wanted to leave, because I get so sucked up in his emotions. Another part of me wanted to pick him up and rock him, and the other part of me tried to be the big sister and calm things over.

Finally the truth surfaced. Sunday is Mother’s Day and the 13th, just a few days later is Mom’s birthday. Al loved Mom so much. He has always struggled with her death. I asked him if he would like me to pick him up and the two of us could go place flowers on Mom’s grave. That didn’t go over at all. Then he wailed. Tears and anything liquid that could run did. It took two nurses and me to calm him down.

I wanted to kick myself in the rear. Why did I ask him that? Darn Terry. The truth was I thought it may help him feel closer to her but that idea backfired. I stayed a couple of hours and then I told him I loved him, and would bring him back lunch, snacks and soda when I returned on Sunday.

I went to meet a lady who sold me six nice starter plants of mint and orange mint. They looked really healthy. Next I paid a visit to the collection agency with bill in hand. I was just sure that the medical billing company had not sent  his bill to the proper insurance company.

But that wasn’t the case at all. In fact it was worse. This bill was from 12/2011. I had just been working these past two weeks on Al’s inventory and I knew without a doubt there was no bill I paid for over one thousand dollars.

I asked the lady to get a hold of the company and she said she would get an itemized bill for me. I had also tried calling this company twice while visiting Al but only got those stupid leave a message recordings, and of course they never called me back.

The bad thing about it all now is the time limit is past. According to her you only have one year to declare any changes to address, insurance etc. So by now being almost a year and a half later, no one, not even the government, she said, will go back and pay.

I was sick at heart. Here I am trying to find a way to pay this huge bill the nursing home wants. By the way, I don’t know if any of you keep tabs on the web page link for Al’s fundraiser, but we now have a total of $335.00. Many of you have helped and I so appreciate it. I have emailed and or made comments on the comment page about my deepest thanks. Here is the link if anyone would still care to help him. I think I am down to 52 days left. The link is

http://www.youcaring.com/medical-fundraiser/too-much-pain-and-too-little-money/55964

So now I have this big debt and a bill for over a thousand dollars and no one will go back and pick it up. I was sad and frustrated and mad all at the same time. I asked her when she received the bill for collection and she stated a week a go.

I pinpointed that this was way past the year dead line and why did the company wait so long? Why did they never send me a bill? She said to go home and wait for the new statement to arrive which would be a week.

I came home and went through the file for that month. I saw where Al had been in the hospital. It showed the correct address and it showed where I had paid them. But guess what, no where in that month or following clear up to this day today was there one single bill from this company. Now I was turning in to Al. I once again cried. Now it is up to almost eight thousand minus the help you all have given for the two bills.

I went outside and tried to erase my mind and planted all of the mint.  After that I didn’t feel like cooking so I went to a nearby restaurant and picked up some supper and I can’t believe I did this, I just can’t believe it. I went through the drive-thru and when I went to the window to pay and pick up the food the gal was complaining of having a bad day.

So what did I do? Yep, you guessed it. I rattled on about the bad two days I have been going through and then I just let loose. I started bawling like a big old baby. I bet that gal thought I had a screw loose. I don’t know if she looked a way or at me but I felt an arm on my arm and it brought me a sense of comfort. A human touch is something I miss very much. I could see that while she was on the other side of the window she was showing me compassion. It helped and then I felt embarrassed because I showed weakness. I thanked her and told myself, don’t come back here until you know they have forgotten your face.

When I came home I found out that the Case Worker has Al’s budget. He and I and the Day Program will all be meeting next Thursday. They will now listen to my request for needs for him and they will discuss the cost to have Al at Day Program. This will all be divided up in his budget and then after this  is decided, it will be sent back to the State. He said he hopes to have Al back in his home by June 1. I was excited and called Al and let him know but he was so sunk in Parkinson’s and Mom that he just cried again wanting to come home tonight.

So we had some good news in the middle of the storm, and now I have to hurry and make sure our house is as clean and open for wheelchair before next Thursday’s inspection. Then I have to figure out how in the world to pay these two debts off. It still makes me angry that the medical place waited until after the deadline to file it with a collection agency. It makes me angry that they never sent one single bill. Unless someone knows of a way around this, I figure Al will be deceased before these two debts are paid off. Or he will pay them until his passing and then they will disappear??? I don’t know.

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Tormented Memories

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Dirt road

Trish was a messed up high school  kid. She held nothing back when wanting what her heart desired. She stooped at nothing to get to the top. In the first year of  high school she was popular.

After the second year people began to whisper and her friends list dropped slowly. Sometimes she would think about it and wonder what was going on, but only for a few minutes.

Her attitude was if they didn’t like her, screw them, there were others that could fill the slot. She kissed teacher‘s rear ends to get better grades. She wanted the best and if it included lying a little or faking someone out she did it.

There was once a rumor going around school that she was sleeping with one of the male teachers. It was Algebra and she struggled with it. She sat up front and center of the teacher’s desk and made sure to show a little extra leg.

He took the bait and kept her after school to give her more help than what he would other students. It was no surprise to her when she got an A in that class. Classmates designated her as one of the top class sluts.

At nights when she lay in bed she would think about the sneers that went on behind her back. If they only knew. If they only knew her own dirty past, they wouldn’t say things like that about me.

A couple of tears would slide down her cheeks. She brushed them off and put up her soul armour and rolled over and went to sleep. The next morning arrived and so did a reinforced attitude of getting to the top.

Her third and last year of high school brought one major change from the years prior. Students despised her even more. They could see that she was a total fake. Anything that came out of those pouty lips was not believable.

Trish never stayed home on the weekends. This is when her father was home. She went to the ball games at school and sat among the crowd alone. It was one evening at a home basketball game that she noticed one of the players paying attention to her.

She didn’t know this guy that well. He wasn’t in any of her classes. He would wave at her and sometimes wink. It seemed that a growing conversation was forming between the two by way of physical communication.

After the game she hung around in the bleachers instead of leaving like she  usually did. The gym was silent as everyone had left. Soon echos of footsteps brought the player and the student face to face.

Petty conversation was transpired and the two ended up walking out together. There were a few cars still in the parking lot but those were probably the clean up people. Trish walked with Jack to his car.

“Are you hungry? I am starving. I’m going to stop over at a little place that’s on the way home for me. Do you want to come along? We can get to know each other better.”

Trish looked at him with stars in her eyes. Here was a guy who was definitely interested in her. He wasn’t making fun of her or bringing up any of those nasty rumors. “Sure, I’d love to go.”

The two climbed in the car and took off down the street. As the street lights became farther apart Jack took a left turn and the night lights disappeared all together. “Is there a restaurant clear out here?”

” Yeah, just a mile down the road. I thought we could pull off here and talk for a while. You don’t mind do you? I just want to get to know you so bad. You are so beautiful.”

Trish started to feel jitters inside. She had heard those words before, you are so beautiful. But yet this was a different place, time, and a different man. Her excitement of being accepted was higher than her internal alarms.

Jack grinned at her and pulled off on a dirt road. It was actually a path that had been made for tractors and other farm machinery. Corn fields were on either side of them. Jack knew this area well.

He turned the engine off and turned towards Trish. “Tell me something about yourself pretty girl. I want to know every little thing about you.”

As she started to speak Jack’s hands were speaking also. As his hands began to roam her thoughts turned a way from him and back to the endless nights where another man also did this.

Oh my God, what did I do to deserve this? Why me, is it ever going to stop? Am I going to have to go through life always trying to prove myself?

Jack wanted her and she recognized his behavior. She should have known. No one wanted her other than for sex. Hadn’t he told her years ago that she was just the most beautiful child that had ever walked this earth? Hadn’t he said that men would always want her and that she must be thankful for this?

Tears sliding in the darkness, and conversation quieted, Trish let Jack lead the way. She let him do as he wished. There was no reason to fight it. She had tried in the past, but only received punishment and threats.

She felt so dirty inside. His good looks suddenly turning into pictures of slithering snakes wrapping its trunk around her and tasting her wounded soul. When he was finished with her he said,”I like you real well. You did good. I know about your reputation at school so I suggest you keep this to yourself. You know no one will believe a word you say if you tell.”

Yes, Trish knew all too well that she would never say a word. Hadn’t she already proven that by keeping the secret all these years?

Jake started the car and drove her back to the school. He let her out and told her,” maybe we can hook up again real soon.” She smiled at him as he drove a way. When he was out of sight she walked towards home.

Entering the back door she quietly walked to her bedroom. She stripped off her clothes and took the hottest shower she could stand. She wanted to wash off another evening before bitter memories could take over.

She stood under the streaming water until her skin became wrinkled but she could still feel the inner emotional pain. She didn’t think she could ever wash that away. All she ever wanted was good grades and a chance to go to college.

She didn’t even know what she wanted to study for. Her vision was blurred by the ugly memories always popping up. She did know that her beauty was her worst enemy. But yet it could also help her to get what she needed to get out of the house and on her own.

She dried off and put her pajamas on and crawled under her bed sheets. She lay there staring in the darkness wishing her life could be different. No one understood her and it seemed no one cared.

Tears were falling slowly down her cheeks when she heard her door knob turn. She glanced over towards the door and saw nothing but knew well enough what was happening.

He scooted into bed next to her and laid very quietly. She knew the signal by heart. The motions were effortless and when her duty was done he walked out as quietly as he had walked in.

Her soul was burning, and her heart was broken. Her dreams had vanished when in one night she had been raped twice by two different men. She couldn’t take it anymore. She knew her life was over.

She had tried using the same devices that she had been taught, but others ended up getting the better deal. She screamed inside for release from this pain. Flaming torches had found their way to every part of her body and she needed them to go a way.

She put her clothes back on and slowly opened her door. Seeing no one she walked down the hall to the main bathroom. She went in and opened the medicine chest and scanned the bottles.

She didn’t know what the names were but she knew that her Mom had these for her bad days of headaches and pains. She grabbed a couple of bottles and took them back to her room.

Getting a glass of water and then sitting on the edge of her bed, she stared at the bottles knowing this was her only way out. She let tears take all of her pent-up emotions and lay them on the bed next to her.

With no way to comprehend anything now she swallowed hard and finished her water. She put the empty bottles on her night stand and let the glass fall to the floor. She laid back down and waited for the years to escape her memories.

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