Where Are You?

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My brother is worse now than earlier today. He is hateful and mean. He told the aide that there was urine all over the floor. She and I checked but saw nothing. He was angry at his wheelchair. He was angry at everything, even life.

In the two hours I was there over supper I heard him talking  about guns and death. He said he wished he was dead. I let everything I ever learn slip out of my right mind, as I sat in terror wondering where Al was in his mind.

I had even stopped at his old place at work, and chatted with his old boss. He gave me a hat and shirt to take to Al. I just knew that would make a world of difference. He gave me the tiniest of smiles but that was it. He didn’t want to try the hat on or even hold it.

His head was about an inch from his plate. He seemed so weak, or tired or, oh crap, I don’t even know what the word is, different.

I am afraid for my brother, I can’t lie and try to make you believe that I just know everything is going to be alright, because I don’t.

I wonder where Al is in his mind. I saw glimpses but then he would disappear. I was a rattlesnake. My mouth hissed words out so fast. I know I was a rambling idiot, but evidently my fear was bigger than life at this time.

I came home and took a shower. I looked at all the crap back in my living room. The sale was a flop. I had like five people stop. Never again, or not for a long time will I have a sale. I donated Al’s too big clothing and a lot of my clothes to a shelter for men/Scary-Night women about half an hour a way.

Someone can get use out of these. Right now I wish I could donate everything that reminds me of Mom, Dad, Al, myself and Parkinson’s. I am not depressed, I am scared, and partially numb.

I am waiting on a call from the nursing home, as they have given Al more than ample hours to act more like himself, but he didn’t make the mark.

Oh, Al, where are you baby brother…………

66 thoughts on “Where Are You?”

      • As a Christian you will always be tested that is what those two steps back are, but keep your faith strong read from the Psalms that always helps me when things aren’t right in my world. Love and hugs (((xx)))

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  2. I am so sorry to hear your worry and fear. It sounds like Al is in a very dark place at the moment and unable to climb out due to his PD and dementia. If you climb in with him, there will be 2 people in danger. Try hard to keep your emotions in check. You can’t help him if you fall prey to that depression and fear.

    By the sound of it, I’m not sure that it is a good idea to bring him home and you take care of him.

    Don’t worry about trying to have a yard sale. Just bundle everything up and give it to charity. There are so many needy people out there and your cast-offs may be just the things they need. I never consider getting rid of ‘stuff’ as wasting money – I consider giving to charity as making a difference to someone else’s life.

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  3. Terry I wish you had someone to care for you. You don’t have to take on and carry his pain. It’s not you’re burden to carry. You are doing everything you can, and that’s all you can do. Don’t carry his pain it will buckle you. Hugs xo

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  6. It is hard to determine whether Al’s change in personality is mostly due to his medical problems or due to depression — I know so little about Parkinson’s. Praying for strength for you, and for Al to have peace.

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      • It’s so hard to see what God has in mind when He seems silent — that’s where faith comes in and knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that He is still working. Being tired and drained from all this is to be expected — you’re only human. Satan is using your fatigue and tired spirit to prey on you at your worst possible time because that’s what he does. Your brother loves you and you love him, and there is only so much you can do. Don’t try to take on what you can’t fix, and trust God to deal with those things, even when it seems like He has deserted you. He hasn’t. I wish I could be there to give you a big hug right now, Terry. My prayers still go up for you and Al for the peace that passes all understanding, and for rest for your weary soul.

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  9. oh i can’t even imagine how horrid this is for you. it is easy to say he is not himself because of the parkinson’s. in the face of his bitterness i don’t know how you stand. just remember there are so many of us here for you and sending blessings to you both.

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  11. Hi,
    Just wanted to touch bases with you and let you know that I feel your pain and helplessness. There are no words that I can write which will take the pain and helplessness away, but be assured that I have thought about you today in my heart of prayers. One of my most favorite Psalms says “The eyes of the LORD are upon the righteous and his ears are opened to their cry.”
    It is my prayer that you receive assurance that God’s ears are opened to your cry.
    Shalom,
    Patricia

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  12. Terry, I think that Al is based on his frustration over his situation. That he can’t express in words at times … and he then takes it out on others. Who else will he take it out on? He carries so much inside him and makes him angry. Not an easy situation for you to deal and accept.

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    • too bad the facility doesn’t see it like u and me. I am at the point I am wondering if there is a God anymore. i am so tired and weak. I feel like the fight is gone from me. There are bigger sharks in the water that want to eat me

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    • Alastair, I have no fight left in me after today. It never stopped. The whole day yesterday and today it goes on and on with threats from the facility, my own words spilling on to deaf ears, people placing Al in a normal person category. I am so tired

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  17. “Why art thou cast down, O my soul? and why art thou disquieted within me? hope thou in God: for I shall yet praise him, who is the health of my countenance, and my God (Psalm 42:11)” No doubt you and Al are very disappointed. No matter how spiritual we are or how fervently we pray, we all can relate to disappointment. I hope that our prayers will be a lifter up of your head and that God will wipe the tears from your eyes and encourage your heart. I’m praying for you and Al to know the peace of God and experience a victorious outcome!

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  21. You are in my prayers my friend. There is so much sorrow and heartache. We can comfort each other and gain strength through our prayers for each other. I am only an email away. {{hugs}}

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