Chapter10


Seeing Al today at the facility brought  old memories for him and none for me. When I walked down the long haul I could see him immediately at the dining table. He looked exactly like I never wished him to look. A stare across his face, head bent down and frozen somewhere in time.

When I approached his table he barely looked up at me. Once I got our food settled that is when he began to cry. I asked his nurse how he had been all morning, and of course I already knew she would say, fine, just fine, no problems.

I wanted to run a way but I cemented myself to the chair. I was feeling like I am the one who makes him cry. I am family and this brings back memories for him. He was back in time. While I was living a married life, I do remember Al getting the opportunity to go down to Indianapolis, Indiana to the big Memorial Day races.

I have been told by him several times  in the past about the fun he had going to these. When our Uncle Jim was still alive, he had as much patience with Al as our Granddad did. There was always a bond between these two men and Al.

I believe in my heart that these two men saw clearly that our own Father was not being the best he could with Al. They took many times and fit Al into their fun schedules.

Today, Al cried the two hours I was there. He spoke of the race, but he could remember very little of it. What I remember from earlier years of him telling me about it; is that they chattered all the way down to Indy, a three-hour trip. They left at 4:30am, and Al always says, he didn’t have a problem getting up that early, it was worth it.

They filled up on hot dogs and sodas. They saw wrecks. Al told me of the speeds of the cars and who was driving what cars. Today all he could remember is that he went with Uncle Jim. It broke my heart, it really did.

There was a time when Uncle Jim and his wife moved to Florida. They went there because one of their children had Cystic Fibrosis. The air was to be better for him. Although Al had never gone anywhere alone, after graduation of high school, Uncle Jim arranged through the airlines for Al to come down for a visit.

All arrangements had been made with the stewards and gate crew to keep a good eye out on Al without Al realizing it. He made the trip with flying colors. He always said he had a good time.

For years life seemed to be monotone for our family. I was raising mine and Al remained at home. He helped in the gardens in the summer, shoveled snow in the winters. He worked from job to job and then finally landed a job where he worked for nine years before he had his heart attack.

Al and Dad kept their distance or when they were together it was pure hell. Dad would yell and scream and threaten. Al’s face would turn beet red and his fist doubled up, his body tense and ready to attack.

Nothing ever changed. Different family members and friends tried so many times to help Dad see the damage he was doing to Al but Dad brushed them all off. I am going to add my own personal opinion at this point.

Our non-blood Grandma and Granddad and our Uncle Jim and his wife, were not directly related to us, but they were the best back in those days. They all spent great qualities of time with Al. Helping to nurture him and grow into a man. I used to hear from my Dad’s sister how she used to have to help take care of us when we were brought home from the kidnapping days.

I will call her T.  T said that she used to give me a bath quite often. I don’t know how old she was, but evidently a teen. She told me of the day she scalded me and how bad she felt about it. I am sure it did bother her and I hoped she moved past that. I never remember words of anyone speaking about the care Al got. The only times I can recall any talk about Al is when he had to be taken to the Children’s Hospital for rickets and undernourished.

When I became a teen I was alert enough to realize that there is a word called fake. You can have family members. They can say all sorts of nice things, but when you aren’t in the room, you can eavesdrop in on the truth.

Cousins used to laugh at Al. He was mildly mentally handicapped. He wanted to fit in. He wanted to laugh with others, speak and carry on with everyone.Usually, the only one laughing out of innocence was Al. The others were laughing at him. It always hurt my feelings because I believed that we were all family, and this was a bad behavior. I noticed that Al was left out of a lot of things.

When there were reunions or family dinners, Al was placed at the kids tables. When everyone was playing Badminton, or croquet, Al was not asked. Card games, he was in the room watching television. I always wondered if he realized he was being left out.

I sure wish I could put a photo up of my brother from early days, but I have never seen even one tiny photo of him. The ones I post on here for you to see, look to me like he is maybe five. I wonder why no photos were taken or if they were where are they.

Before our real grandmother passed she handed out all her photos. Anything that had to do with our family I got the pictures, but none of Al. I have my baby picture but I gave it to my daughter. Maybe we didn’t really exist in people’s minds until my Dad and Stepmom got married. Maybe we were the kids who were in the way, or the two that were from a broken home, or maybe the two who were kidnapped. Something happened. Photos show pride and there are no photos of Al or me except the one baby picture of me until after my new Mom came into our lives.

al

_Picture it & Write/ Ermiliablog


castleScary isn’t it, the thought of being left here all alone. No one to talk to, only the voices in your mind responding back to you.

Hidden a way from the rest of the world. No telephones, no modern technology. What will you eat? Where will you go to purchase it? No drop through drive inns. No formal restaurants to dine in.

How will you hide your nakedness? Can you take a quick run to Macy’s or Wal-Mart? This can be a mortifying  thought. The media have taught us we are not good enough the way we are. We must find the right style, the right brand name in order to walk out of our doors comfortably.

Would you and I give up and run and hide in some forsaken corner? Would we just rest our heads against our arms and weep into our own skin? Would we just give up and die?

Or could it be a beneficial time for us. Would spending a few days alone cause us to take our mind off of the world, and what it has taught us to take a better look at who we are?

Do you know who you are? Do you understand your purpose of having this short time here on earth? Why were we born? What are we supposed to be doing while we are visiting here on earth?

For me, getting a way from the hustle and bustle for only a short time could only improve the person I am. I may go into a bit of frantic for the first few hours. I may even throw myself a big pity party.

But with time I would have no other choice unless you think death is a choice, but to look at me. What am I capable of? Is there a learning experience I haven’t seen before?

The imagination that has been put on hold while we live with microwaves, boxed foods, fast cars, cell phones and computers, would have to be put back to work. Remember when we were children? Of course you do. Those are some of our happiest memories, or at least I hope they are.

We played Mommy with our babies. We took them for walks in their strollers. We had tea with them. We asked and answered our own questions. The imagination is a marvelous tool that we have let lay by the road side.

We would figure out how to eat. None of us really want to die, we just want to escape. Therefore we would learn how to go back and eat like Adam and Eve did. We would clothe ourselves from what nature provides us.

We would start asking ourselves questions and we would study until we came up with the answers. We would be able to determine what we liked and didn’t like about ourselves and change what we could.

For those of us who carry a little extra weight, I am sure we would lose it quite quickly due to not eating starches and sugars. We would walk more, we would once again become healthy as we were born.

We would come in  touch and focus on why we were brought here to live. We would figure out what our natural talents are. We would discover that in the end we are magnificent creatures. We wouldn’t need the approval of friends, and magazines plus the media to accept ourselves.

I actually believe we each would benefit in many ways, living in this mysterious, hidden place a way from all humans. Think about it my friends. Are you and I wrapped up in the advertising world? Do we need to step back, be by ourselves, take a break and rediscover who we are?

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7 Lovely Awards Nomination


A very dear friend of mine Cheryl nominated me for the 7 Lovely Awards. I have already been nominated but I will replay the questions one more time and follow the rules so I can share this with other blogger friends.

http://burningfireshutinmybones.wordpress.com   This is where you can go to meet Cheryl.

Rules:

1-Answer the 10 random questions or those of your own choosing.

2-Nominate 10 other bloggers for the Award and link their blog sites.

3-Notify the bloggers of their awards.

4-Ask the award winners to answer the 10 questions when they accept their Award.

1.If you had the opportunity to go anywhere in the world, where would you go and why?

I would give my left arm, which is my writer arm, to go live in bask in the beauty of Kentucky or Tennessee. I love the attitude of people there. They treat me like I am an old friend. I lived in Ky for a short time and never met a stranger.

2.If you had the opportunity to meet a historical figure who is now deceased, who would you like to meet and why?

I would love to meet Abe Lincoln. He was honest, which is something we are lacking today. He helped with the slaves and this is my second hobby, slavery era.

3.What would you like to do with your life?

Until I take my last breath, I would like to continue to help others. There are many needs in the world, but better yet, there are needs right here in our own neighborhoods. Why not start there first?

4.What makes you smile?

Seeing Al smile really puts me in a good mood. Seeing my kids happy is one thing I always desire. Seeing my kids mixing with each other would give me the biggest smile of all.

5.What makes you cry?

I don’t cry often, but when I do it happens for a couple of days at a time. I must store up the tears. Thinking of my Daddy makes me cry yet today. Seeing Al cry stirs up my emotions too quickly. The feelings of being lonely can have me going off until it passes.

6.What is your favorite scripture?

Matthew 28:20, I am with you to the very end.

7.What is your favorite movie?

Terms of Endearment

8.What is your favorite quote?

Don’t put off til tomorrow what you can do today

9.If you had 1 million dollars to spend any way you want, what would you spend it on?

This question changes for me periodically. Today, I would first pay off my car so this debt is not in the way when Al comes home. I would have a second car, a lift van, so I can get Al easily in and out and he can go out into the world. I would open up the business I have talked about earlier. The one where every single elderly and patient that was in my area would never be alone. They would get the proper care and companionship they so deserve. I would also open up my Antique store again. I just love being with the public and sharing the love of antiques with others. The money isn’t bad either. If my kids were in need, I would be there for them. This is some things I would do first off.

10.If you could be remembered for one thing, what would you like to be remembered for?

I would like to be able to come back for the first hour after death and hear people say, I was lost or broke or hurting or crying and she made a difference in my life.

I could rest eternally knowing that I helped someone. I made someone smile, worry less, feel more loved, took the pain a way.

My nominations:

Angie
momentsinmylife.wordpress.com

Vicki (from Victoria A Photography)
victoriaaphotography.wordpress.com

Alastair
kattermonran.wordpress.com/

Dr. Johnny. Velazquez
parrillaturi.wordpress.com

wonderful team awarddragonsloyaltyaward1pink liebster awardBest-Moment-Awardshine on awardsuper-sweet-blogging-award21sunshine-awardYou have touched me very much Cheryl. My feelings are surfaced and I am so lucky to have been lead to WP where wonderful friends have been introduced into my life. Thank-you!