Parkinson’s Gave Me Gifts


English: The Parkinson's Disease Society in Va...

English: The Parkinson’s Disease Society in Vauxhall Bridge Road (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I have had a few people from blogging world and in real life that have told me there is a reason Al will not be going to heaven just yet. Some would say that maybe there were lessons in this sad illness.

In truth, I used to get angry, not at you, but at myself. I didn’t like it that Al was suffering and I was on the outside looking in. I was able to drive and walk, and feed myself. My numb feet from my Diabetes look so small when I see what Al is going through.

But as I look back in time I had to stop and wander a few things. Would I be as close to God if Al didn’t get this nasty Parkinson’s Disease?

I don’t know since I can’t go back and replay the scene. I do admit that I was a floater. I would float in and out of church when I felt like getting up and going. I would plaster my smile on my face and speak to strangers; when what I really wanted was to be home in my comfy clothes. Alone and not smiling.

There is a difference between being alone lonely. When I was in high school, I knew 98% of my graduating class. When I thought about friendships, I was friends with maybe 30%, but digging deeper I was friends with only 1 or 2 people.

I can’t imagine why, but I really did like it that way. Crowds bug me. You will never see me at the big pool parties, or the center of attention in any ring. Today, I am pretty much the same way. I have 1 very close friend, about 10 friends that I speak to on a regular basis, and I know hundreds of you here at WP.

Church, is another topic. Let’s see if I can explain it so you can understand where I am coming from.

I don’t care for church. I used to, but through my sorrow of loss of beloved family and seeing what Al is going through, I cry when I am in church. Then I wish I wasn’t there. Next comes the guilt that is heavily laid across my shoulders.

Mom always told me that a good woman could be found with a strong church background. So, I was disobeying her, although she is in eternal heaven, I know that it is wrong not to go to church.

Now flip that coin over. I am closer to God today than I ever was. I used to go to church regularly but I never gave it another thought once I walked out the church doors until the next Sunday.

Now, I pray and talk to God on a daily, and sometimes hourly basis. I feel like he and I have a connection. He is my rock and I am his sheep. When I get scared I run to him. When I feel weak or tired, I tell him and I expect him to help me. I thank him for the tiniest of things. If I stayed within my budget at the grocery store, I thank him for that. Like I said, I know that he is helping me every minute of the day.

So I know that I am stronger with him today than ever. This is probably the biggest thing Al’s illness has brought into my life. I know there is so much controversy  about heaven and hell. There is one, there isn’t. It is another higher scale of this earth we live on. I have heard so much, but the truth be known, I grew up in church, so I believe in heaven and hell.

Through looking at cute boys, to falling asleep in church, I learned things that stuck with me forever. I am not going to take that one chance and intentionally blow my chances of going to heaven.

What if there really is no heaven? So what? I can look back from where ever I am after my last breath and say to myself, I did Al a lot of good. I was kind to people. I turned the other cheek.

One other point I want to make and then I will shut up, is this. When Al became ill and I learned through the months that there wasn’t too much of a support system out here for me, I got my big defense wall built up, and said I can do it all alone. Who needs them?

Another false belief. I learned it feels good to  have a support system. I don’t have to cry alone. I can pick up the phone and call my friends. I can email you. I have gained so many friendships through WP and Al’s illness, I now realize I will never be alone even when I am sitting here where it is quiet. I have God and I have all of you. For this I am thankful for Parkinson’s Disease. But don’t push it, other than this, I hate his disease and what he is having to live through hourly.

37 thoughts on “Parkinson’s Gave Me Gifts

  1. As one facing Parkinson’s, I admire you for writing this. The disease helped me clarify things in my life and reinforced what I already had with God…
    I too..struggle with church attendance..way too many politics…and it is life that makes me closer to God…
    Thank you for this post..

    Like

    • Author, that is it exactly! You hit the nail on the head and expressed something I couldn’t see at the time I wrote this. The churches have changed. More politics and less love and God in them. I once felt at home in church but now feel like a stranger. I do have God with me more today though than ever, and to me that is what counts. Thanks so much for a great comment

      Like

  2. Love your perspective that you share here, Terry. Beautiful. God works in so many ways that don’t make sense right away, doesn’t He? Truth in my life over and over again. Blessings to you and I hope you have a great weekend.

    Like

    • Thank you Brian for understanding my post. Maybe one day I will once again find that small church where I feel like I am home again. You have a nice weekend also. I will do my best considering the continuous thunderstorms

      Like

      • I know someone very close to me who shares your exact sentiments about finding that small church where it feels like home. Praying that you’ll find it and in the meantime find peace in God’s promises. Stay dry and safe…trying to do the same here with the same kind of weather.

        Like

    • Thank you so much Shirley. I can feel my mother’s sadness as I am not doing as she wishes, but at this time I am content with where I am and am glad I have Jesus with me

      Like

  3. Dear Terry, thanks for this. I am not in your position but I believe it is possible to be close to God and not go to church, although I have been told otherwise. Bless you., and kind regards, Fiona

    Like

    • Fiona, I appreciate your honesty and your comment. It makes me feel good that I was not humiliated for not attending church at this time. Thank you

      Like

  4. Terry, God uses anything and everything to bring us closer to him. And it usually occurs when we aren’t looking for him. I am like you; not a crowd person at all. In fact I enjoy and protect my private time because for years I had none. Now, the quiet gives me the ability to hear God and really have some great conversations with him. As for church, the church has failed many. God meant for the church to make disciples, not converts: Matthew 28. But most churches get people in the door, sign them up and leave them to fend for themselves. I believe it is one main reason our country is in the mess it is in. The church kicked the Holy Spirit out which is God’s way of the church teaching what he wants. Therefore much has been forgotten. I have my issues with it and it bothers me terribly I have been in church since I was born and didn’t know Jesus until I was in my mid 20’s. And it wasn’t in church that I met him. Now, I go to please God because I have no idea why we are in the church we are in; my husband is a Deacon but I have not joined. But I see the lack of Biblical teachings even in this very large congregation. It makes me sad. God knows your heart and mine; he is more interested in that.

    Like

    • I figured I would get many bad comments because I am not in church right now. I am not looking for anyone to take sides with me or to argue my feelings, but I must say I believe you are one of my strongest Christian friends here at WP. To see that you understand me and realize my heart is stronger with Christ makes me feel better. Maybe some day I will find a small church that will feel like home again. Thank you Cathy

      Like

  5. You are not the first Christian lady to feel that way about church. Our friend Pauline doesn’t attend church, but takes her turn cleaning and produces wonderful things in her kitchen for our special occasions, like you she has a strong faith. Out first charge from Jesus is that we abide in the vine and the vine is Himself not a place of worship, where we are called to worship him is ‘in truth and spirit’ putting you and your beloved Al on my prayer list. Blessings.

    Like

    • I want to thank you Whisper for understanding my post. I was hoping I would not get a round of bad comments. It is a touchy situation, God and church, but if I want to remain honest with all of you, I can not hide from the truth starting now. I am closer to God now than ever. I don’t see how I survived before without him. HUgs my friend

      Like

  6. Terry, I believe I can see the Lord working in your heart and mind. As time progresses, I believe, you will understand more about why all these things are taking place. Lord bless you.

    Like

  7. When I read this a song that I just love and listen to quite often came to mind. This song gives me strength when I feel I am weak. It reminds me that I am not alone. When I am down and defeated I can always go home to the waiting arms of God and be comforted and reassured. He helps to replenish my strength. The song is by Twila Paris and it is called The Warrior is a Child. Here is a video I found on youtube that has the lyrics to it

    Listen and know God is always there waiting for you to come home to Him and rest in His peace to regain the strength to get back up and keep on fighting the good fight.

    Like

  8. Terry my dear one God is with us every minute of everyday. Church is where we are in our hearts, faith and belief. The Holy Ghost is within you just as your heart is. So don’t beat yourself up for not going to a building your church is within. Love you girlfriend.

    Like

  9. Everything has a reason and I’m so glad I’ve met you Terry. Your fighting gives me strenghts to fight, so God not only send you someone to hold on, but he also thought of me. Big hugs my friend 🙂

    Like

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.