Daily Archives: June 5, 2013

Thoughts Reining Over Me

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jesus_in_heaven.jpg

I was reading a blog of a friend of mine here at WP today and it stirred up something in me.

Here is the link of what I was reading;

http://iprodigaldaughter.wordpress.com/2013/06/05/the-big-i/comment-page-1/#comment-512

I get many comments on WP. Most of them are wonderful and heart-felt. I sometimes blush and can even get embarrassed although there is no one here beside me reading or watching me.

I was brought up to believe I am just a person.  I was to be a good girl, grow up, get married and have a nice life of my own. It was instilled in me as a child that I was to be seen and not heard.

My father left me in the cold car while he went in and saw my new step-mom. I couldn’t have been that good of girl, could I?

As long as I kept my nose clean I didn’t hear my name called too often at home while growing up. I do remember trying my hardest through my teen years to cook the best tasting supper, or iron for my mom with no wrinkles, or clean the house until it sparkled. I would do anything, just about, to get noticed.

I can’t remember ever getting a thanks, but I may have. I remember sort of staying to myself as a teen, but don’t most teenagers? I had a nice home, nice clothes. I was never kicked out of the house. My parents didn’t cuss or drink. No drugs could be found.

So what was wrong with me and my thinking? Why did I want more? Was I never satisfied with what I had?

Then I started writing for WordPress. I have now been writing here for a year and three months. Comments started coming in and they were good comments. People who didn’t know me were saying I was a nice person. I was a caring sister. I heard that I had a good outlook on life. Some even wished they lived closer to me so we could be friends in real life.

This isn’t what I was used to. I was never beat at home. I do know that I was violated at the age of two or three, but how could that affect my entire life?

Then I became closer and closer to God. I learned that God made me perfect in his eyes. I was taught that he loved me even though I made mistakes. He would never leave me, I didn’t have to be afraid.

This is nice to know but there are times that things happen in my life that I freak out. I don’t feel smart enough to be able to handle some situations. I then go to God and speak to him about what is eating at me.

Have you ever had a person make you feel like you have been convicted as a guilty person, when you knew inside that you were innocent? That if you made any mistakes it was not done intentionally? I have one of those instances facing me today.

It has ruined my day. I slept it a way for the biggest part. My stomach has churned and I felt sick all day. I was to receive a phone call but was told if it didn’t come through it would first thing in the morning.

All the things I was taught growing up have come and tackled me. It is like watching a big football game. The guy is on the bottom of the huge pile with the ball. No one wants him to gain any more distance.

I have prayed off and on all day to have God’s help to calm me down. But I have so little belief in myself today, that the prayers are not working. Now I am sweating it waiting for the call tomorrow morning.

I am ashamed of how I am reacting. Why can’t the wonderful comments that I am given today stick with me? Why must I remain hiding under the bed, believing what was ground into my head?

Maybe this is why I fight so hard for Al. I know I can do it. I know I can protect him and make him as comfortable as possible. But I look at myself as a nurse for others but a failure unto myself.

It is so stupid. So when I was reading this post of my friend, I realized that God loves me. I need to repeat that over and over. It is true. I am not a bad person. Now I need to not only believe it, I need to live like I am God’s child. He made me perfect in his eyes, not perfect in society’s eyes.