Thoughts Reining Over Me


jesus_in_heaven.jpg

I was reading a blog of a friend of mine here at WP today and it stirred up something in me.

Here is the link of what I was reading;

http://iprodigaldaughter.wordpress.com/2013/06/05/the-big-i/comment-page-1/#comment-512

I get many comments on WP. Most of them are wonderful and heart-felt. I sometimes blush and can even get embarrassed although there is no one here beside me reading or watching me.

I was brought up to believe I am just a person.  I was to be a good girl, grow up, get married and have a nice life of my own. It was instilled in me as a child that I was to be seen and not heard.

My father left me in the cold car while he went in and saw my new step-mom. I couldn’t have been that good of girl, could I?

As long as I kept my nose clean I didn’t hear my name called too often at home while growing up. I do remember trying my hardest through my teen years to cook the best tasting supper, or iron for my mom with no wrinkles, or clean the house until it sparkled. I would do anything, just about, to get noticed.

I can’t remember ever getting a thanks, but I may have. I remember sort of staying to myself as a teen, but don’t most teenagers? I had a nice home, nice clothes. I was never kicked out of the house. My parents didn’t cuss or drink. No drugs could be found.

So what was wrong with me and my thinking? Why did I want more? Was I never satisfied with what I had?

Then I started writing for WordPress. I have now been writing here for a year and three months. Comments started coming in and they were good comments. People who didn’t know me were saying I was a nice person. I was a caring sister. I heard that I had a good outlook on life. Some even wished they lived closer to me so we could be friends in real life.

This isn’t what I was used to. I was never beat at home. I do know that I was violated at the age of two or three, but how could that affect my entire life?

Then I became closer and closer to God. I learned that God made me perfect in his eyes. I was taught that he loved me even though I made mistakes. He would never leave me, I didn’t have to be afraid.

This is nice to know but there are times that things happen in my life that I freak out. I don’t feel smart enough to be able to handle some situations. I then go to God and speak to him about what is eating at me.

Have you ever had a person make you feel like you have been convicted as a guilty person, when you knew inside that you were innocent? That if you made any mistakes it was not done intentionally? I have one of those instances facing me today.

It has ruined my day. I slept it a way for the biggest part. My stomach has churned and I felt sick all day. I was to receive a phone call but was told if it didn’t come through it would first thing in the morning.

All the things I was taught growing up have come and tackled me. It is like watching a big football game. The guy is on the bottom of the huge pile with the ball. No one wants him to gain any more distance.

I have prayed off and on all day to have God’s help to calm me down. But I have so little belief in myself today, that the prayers are not working. Now I am sweating it waiting for the call tomorrow morning.

I am ashamed of how I am reacting. Why can’t the wonderful comments that I am given today stick with me? Why must I remain hiding under the bed, believing what was ground into my head?

Maybe this is why I fight so hard for Al. I know I can do it. I know I can protect him and make him as comfortable as possible. But I look at myself as a nurse for others but a failure unto myself.

It is so stupid. So when I was reading this post of my friend, I realized that God loves me. I need to repeat that over and over. It is true. I am not a bad person. Now I need to not only believe it, I need to live like I am God’s child. He made me perfect in his eyes, not perfect in society’s eyes.

34 thoughts on “Thoughts Reining Over Me

  1. Hi Terry, God’s love is more than enough to overcome sin of guilt and shame. We just have to be willing to accept God’s forgiveness and focus on Him all the time. I know it could be hard at times, but He nudges us gently and embraces us ALL the time. Break free from self condemnation, God loves you unconditionally.

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  2. Terry, you are a wonderful person and I recognize the feeling of being not good enough. I had this feeling for many years too, but then I heard a voice inside of me saying “God loves you the way you are” and “if God is for us who can be against us.” (I don’t know if the translation is good, but I hope you understand) Since then I felt myself stronger and more valuable. He loves you and he always will. Big Hug and a triple Pawkiss 🙂

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  3. Terry, you are a truly wonderful person. With the amount of people that have said so, it must be true.

    One of my inspirational quotes that will be going on my blog today is:
    A bird sitting on a tree is never afraid of the branch breaking, because her trust is not on the branch, but on it’s own wings. Always believe in yourself

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    • thanks so much Julie. i sometimes wish I could not be so honest. Wouldn’t things look brighter if I could hide some bad feelings about myself somewhere under a rug?

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  4. ‘Have you ever had a person make you feel like you have been convicted as a guilty person, when you knew inside that you were innocent?’ Actually Terry, yes I have…and it stinks. It’s one of the worst feelings I’ve experienced. The only thing that helps me at that point is that my worth is not determined by them, or any other person. It is determined by God. And I try my best at those times to remember that He thinks I am amazing, just like He thinks you are amazing. It makes the sting of what you described a little better, knowing that my God loves me. Hope you’ll remember that too 🙂

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  5. Terry, it comes from your past, it seems you did have what you needed , but h=not hte wonderful love every child needs. You didn’t get thank yous , you would remember them, you didn’t get compliments, you had no self esteem.
    But look at you now, you can love yourself, you are a caring kind person, and you have been before, what I can tell from your Chapters of Al’s story. You have just never been praised, so you are always feeling you are not good.
    You are a great person who can be proud of yourself, what you do for Al is remarkable. Start loving yourself, it makes it easier to share and give love out, it makes you more open and you feeel much better.
    Look in the mirror in the mornings and say aloud to yourself, “I am good, and I love myself” , try daily affirmations. It does help I know as I did the same after my divorce, and I did conquer my life, and feel happy in myself.
    I so wished I could be with you for a good chat and a hug. Sending much love Terry, Ute xx

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    • your comment made me want to cry because I knew every word you wrote about the way I feel about myself. I bet that was hard to stand in front of a mirror and repeat you are nice, maybe feeling awkward at first, but I can give it a try and hope it works for me like it did for you. Thanks Ute, thanks so much

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      • I have to admit, yes it feels silly at first, but then I started to feel better about myself, got new dresses and thought , hey I can be sexy too….. haha, even at my age…. I still stand in front of the mirror and say , yes I look good and I feel good, let’s go! ( This is the way God has created me and I need to appreciate it, and be thankful) Until 3 years ago I was never totally happy with myself, you know , too small there, too wide there….and now I accept it, that is me. Wonderful Me as He created me.!
        We are all unique creations and God loves us as we are, so why don’t we love ourselves!

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      • other people that we love have hurt us through the words, and we don’t let them be washed a way from us. we let them sink in like quick sand

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  6. Seems I’m always late catching up. Just now saw this post, and my heart is touched. I understand.

    One of my favorite verses has become Ephesians 2:10. “For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works, which God hath before ordained that we should walk in them.”

    The word “workmanship” comes from the Greek word “poema,” which is the root word of our “poem.” We are God’s poetry; His literary masterpiece. He created us in His Son to do good works for Him that He planned for us before we were even conceived.

    I find great comfort in that.

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  7. sometimes a simple word is all we need to hear, it’s why we should never rebuke a little child, as for the rise in the sexualisation of the world, a disaster for little children everywhere

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