Bikini And Lots Of Skin


This morning Al woke up in an odd mood. He had refused last night’s supper and the night before supper too. This morning he struggled to eat breakfast. He really didn’t want to go to day program. He told me a couple of things. He said he didn’t have his chest pain but he felt odd all over. He also said that he felt like he was fading, that he was dying real soon.

Now you have to know that this bothers me so much when I hear him speak like this. I laughed and said, “You are not dying, you have a long time to go.”

I talked him into going to the day program as I felt it would be best for him. I also called the company and talked to them again about getting Al out of that wheelchair. They leave him sit in that hard old thing all day long. They finally listened and found a nice rocker for him.

The nurse called me about half an hour before Al got home. She said they were going to get him a new chair. I think I know what they are like. It is like a wheelchair but there is a padded chair inside that tilts back almost allowing him to lay down. Hospice said that they hope he will have it by Thursday.

Have you ever been in a position where you knew the news but it isn’t sinking in your brain? Or maybe worse, you are refusing to believe? As the nurse and I chatted I told her about the constant chest pains, the lack of suppers and him not really wanting to go to Day Program. I told her about Al’s remark about him thinking he was in the process of dying today.

She came back with words I didn’t want to hear. She said, “Terry, you and I know that Al is dying. Two doctors have documented it and obviously this is why he is on Hospice. It is very common to lose the appetite at this point and to also want sweets other than healthy foods. The next time he speaks of dying tell him it is alright to go. Tell him that if he wants to see Mom that it is alright; that you will follow along in your own time.”

I choked, I didn’t cry, but I choked. These are words I can not accept, at least not yet, maybe not until it is too late. Do I want to really tell him that it is alright for him to go? To not be afraid of dying? To go see Mom? How can I do this when I love him and want him here with me?

When he came home he was real chatty. This was nice. He had met a staff that put model cars together. From what he said they hit it off right a way and the staff promised to bring in one of the finished models the next time he worked. This made a complete difference in Al’s attitude. I am so thankful I urged him to go.

Al wants to go half-days. He says he just gets too tired. This may happen but not yet. We want to try the new chair first. We decided to have a pizza party, so I popped one in the oven since he felt better and we had pizza and pop for supper. He ate real well. I was watching him as he ate to make sure he didn’t choke and I suddenly noticed every fingernail was a medium gray.

The color never faded during supper. I have seen his nails go to dark gray and then leave before but never stand strong and stay and although he was eating well I was reminded that he is very sick and thought back to the conversation with the Hospice nurse. What if he mentions he wants to go see Mom? I guess I will swallow my pain and tell him it is alright to go.

It wasn’t a cheery day and I needed a good laugh to break the silence in my heart. I went through some magazines until I found a photo and I immediately started cracking up. I was laughing. Laughing over the picture and crying from the knowledge Al is so sick.

I thought to myself, am I going to be a swinging granny in my eighties dressed like this? Lordy, I hope not. I know men go through the change, will I also???? Oh my gosh what is the next chapter of my life going to be like? Here is the pic I cracked up at.

IMG_0563

42 thoughts on “Bikini And Lots Of Skin

  1. This “bikinin” PICTURE popped in my reader as I opened the WP Page. Laughing…no…guffawing!…Out Loud here. thanks for the chuckle. Now to read the post. 🙂 Shandra

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  2. Sorry you’re heart is breaking but what a wonderful loving thing to do for him to make it alright to go. Sending hugs to you. Love the pic, that will be me one day as I have 3 tattoos and plan for more…lol

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  3. It is a hard job Terry, and the nurse just stated the truth, you have to face, as hard as it is. God only knows. If you tell Al it is ok to go, he might be easing up a bit and enjoy more being wiht you as you are ok with it! I know I would be in tears all the time talking about htis! Keep your strength! You are in my prayers every day !

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  4. My dear friend, Al is dying and you must be strong enough to let him go. The signs are there. I too ignored the signs with Vic because I was to scared to truly accept the situation. My intellect said one thing and my heart another. Know that I am holding you close and that you are in my prayers. You and your precious Al….. These posts may help, dear friend. http://tersiaburger.com/2012/08/02/5-stages-of-dying/; http://tersiaburger.com/2012/11/13/signposts-for-dying/,http://tersiaburger.com/2013/01/12/textbook-death/. These posts have quite a bit of information on the section of Al’s journey that he is on.
    Hugs and tears.

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    • I read both of your articles and found myself recognizing some of the symptoms. I just don’t know what to think. It seems that it is coming and I can’t stop it. It looks from the symptoms that he may have a lot of time left, which is good for me, but maybe not for him. Last night ended up being a good night. His nails were gray but he ate good and chatted. I want every day to be like this

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  5. {{{{HUGS}}}

    A bit of light entertainment for you. I am going to get a tattoo of a pony on my belly. That way, when I get older it will look like a thoroughbred 😉

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  6. loved the bikini picture… a lady after my own heart…Hope to feel that free for a long time…You did good sending Al on to his program…and the person he friended with the car hobby…must be a good person to find common ground with Al…

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    • my mom never let me wear a two piece even when I had no fat on me, lol, so have never been in one and now too fat. it made a world of difference for Al meeting the new staff

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  7. What a blessing it is to know that our Lord is in control of all things. Believe me, Al will be with you until the very second that the Lord knows it is best for him to pass, and not a second sooner.

    At that time, the Lord will be there to supply His grace to you to get through Al’s passing. I know it seems like it will be an impossible to get through it all, but when you look to Him in faith, He will be with you every step of the way.

    Enjoy the time you have with Al now and know that everything is in God’s hands.

    Lord bless you. My prayers continue.

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  8. Most of us have to come to terms with death at some point in our lives. You have the advantage of sharing this with your precious Al before it becomes final. Cherish this time and don’t regret the difficult path you are walking. It is difficult in all situations but at least you have the ability to make it as pleasant as possible for him. This time you share however limited is a gift I am glad to know you have received. Don’t despair. There will come a time when you will understand how lucky you are to have it. My prayers are with you.

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    • Bless you for comforting words my friend. I don’t have the answers to a lot of things but I do know that as long as Al breathes I will be right here for him

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  9. Terry my dear friend, he nurse told you true, I had to tell my mother it was okay to let go and I am glad I did,it opened a door to her heart that I missed growing up (long story and boring to all but me) and it allowed her to go knowing we wold all be ok after she was gone.
    You are so strong and remember to open your Bible and read the word everyday for it will help you through this difficult time. Our Lord will take Al when itis his time nothing you do or say will change that just cherish your time together and know the Lord will hold you by the hand as you and Al walk this journey. Love and prayers my dear one.

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    • Len, your words comfort me as always. I read your comment twice and I will try to do as I am supposed to by telling him it is alright to go, but I will not say it will be easy to do

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  10. Hey, where did you get that picture of me in a bikini?! I’m so glad you found something to make you laugh after having such a rough time.
    The nurse may or may not be right about telling Al that — you’d come the closest to knowing if it would make him feel better or make him feel worse. I can certainly understand how all the suffering Al is doing could certainly make him wish an end was in sight.
    Hugs to you, and prayers for you and Al, always.

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  11. My mom went through the loss of appetite, but craving sweets. I had never realized until then that it was typical of those who are dying.

    That bikini picture–oh my! I’m way closer to that than I want to be !

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