#FWF Free Write Friday


http://kellieelmore.comfree-write-friday-kellie-elmore

Today Kellie has given us permission to just write. To think about what binds us from being the free person we are meant to be.

When I think of this topic and realize my freedom to write what I choose I think of sad things and happy things.

But there is one area in my life that remains a constant shadow. No matter how many posts I write there is one taboo that I write about rarely. I have mentioned this person in the book I am writing called  Parkinson’s Journey.

I think I have written about her indirectly but never addressed her in the way Kellie is asking us to do.

Maybe I can do this. It can’t really harm me, maybe it can heal me or put it to rest, at least. The topic is my half-sister, J for short.

This woman is ten years younger than me. She has been given every opportunity by our parents and still has nothing. Where I am day, she is night. Where I abide by the rules, she slides under the ruler.

Her children have suffered and I am sure somewhere deep inside her she is suffering. When we carry extra baggage for so many years and depend on that to excuse us from our own actions, it is time to let it go.

I have been healing through writing and yet she is still in the same rut doing nothing but spinning her tires. So why does she eat my guts up so bad? Maybe there is some sisterly jealousy. I have to smack myself for even partaking in this as I have nothing to be jealous of.

She has touched spots in my heart of people so dear to me. She has tried so hard to destroy me. Although she has not won, her actions still continue to haunt me today. She has caused Al to be afraid. We do not mention her name in our home.

I want to do what I wish and not be afraid of being arrested. I want to grab a hold of her and shake her good. I want to scream at her, stop what you are doing. Change your values. Look at your kids. Look at your life. How can you deny the fact that your own brother is ill? When Al placed me in a position to have to see you face to face it was one of the hardest things I have done in years. But when I told you to your face that Al wanted you to know that he is sick and he is afraid that he is going to die, you screamed and cursed at me to get out. To leave and never come back. You accused me of being a  liar, trying to start problems. You said Al is not even sick. When your best friend reached out to you last week begging you to call me to let you know of Al’s health today, you told her no,, no way in hell would you make that call.

I swear, I have given you every chance to come to your senses. To see the world straight, as it really is, to not be blind sighted, but you refuse. There will come a time when you will become broken. When you wake up and see Al laying on a white pillow with his Bible in his hands. When you see that all these months I have been telling the truth, there is a part of me that will snicker and leer at you and through you as you weep for your wrong doings. But the Christian woman in me will not allow me to continue to act in this way. If you do fall down and your soul splits open your chest bone. If you are so sorry and sincere I know that I will reach down and help you up. I will help try to do what God would want me to.

But at this moment, sitting here writing this, things have not changed. Things are rotten in Denmark, as they say, and all I can do is pray that you come to your senses sooner than later. Right now I just want to smack the crap out of you, but I won’t. For my own personal sanity, I will not venture your way. I will stay my distance. If you want to know anything about your sister and brother, you will have to be the one who makes that first step. I am tired of trying.

forgiveness-quotes

 

26 thoughts on “#FWF Free Write Friday

    • this was a hard post for me to write as I normally try not to think about the hidden pain. Wearing a mask of smiles is much easier to do, but this was very helpful. It let part of it out and freed me. Thanks for a great comment Annie

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  1. Lots of anger … and it’s good got to get out of the system, isn’t it???!!!
    Brilliant written … and full of emotions and unsaid words.
    What I don’t understand .. is “things are not good in Denmark” – does she live there – because Denmark is doing very well. *smile

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  2. I have my issues with my half-brother … but even if he doesn’t like me – I’m okay with him. The priest that hold mom’s funeral service .. said that one of her mentors has told here – that every family has problems or so do they lie. Very true. Every family has their skeletons in the closet.

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    • yes they do. I try not to think about my half sister too often as it only saddens me and can make me mad at the same time. I hope that some day she comes around before it is too late. The worst part Vivi, is that I have no idea what the problem is, although I have asked

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  3. Terry beautifully written about a very real and emotional subject. Life is never perfect, thank you for sharing your pain we can all relate with the emotions but for different reasons that life has thrown at us all. God Bless!

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    • you are welcome Mark. Many of us do not write about such delicate hurtful moments, and maybe I would not if it weren’t for this prompt, but I do know it helped me to put it a little more to rest

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  4. I don’t know the full story behind this but I feel your anger and it corresponds with the anger I felt when my mother was severely afflicted by Parkinson’s disease. It is a terrible disease and it can rip families apart. My own brother was always in denial about my mother’s condition and even now, long after she has passed away, remains oblivious to the suffering she went through. My heart goes out to you in your troubles.

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    • thank you Suzanne. I honestly don’t know why our half sister is so full of anger. There was a time when we were pretty close but after our father’s death, everything changed and she got worse. Bad enough that I can’t have her close to Al who is so sick. Thank you for understanding and knowing how I feel. It means a lot to me to know that someone gets it

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  5. Oh I breathed in hard as I read this. So much emotion. I have been the same with my sister. And you cannot change them, and you cannot risk being arrested. What you CAN do is call 911 if she physically threatens you, the kids, or other members of the family. It sounds like with a severe illness it is best if she is well clear of the area. You and Al are better off without her, for the time being at least. I wish you strength and courage.

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    • I wish I could disagree but I can’t. I know for at least Al if her name is mentioned in front of him he gets very upset. He is afraid of her and yet wants her to know he is sick. He loves her and yet doesn’t want her around. I can’t afford to take any chances by letting her near. I would call 911 with no hesitation if she tried to cause any grief. It is sad to say this about a family member, but it is true, she is not safe to have around

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  6. A heart-wrenching write, Terry, and I can empathize with you. I have a similar situation with my sister, and it is so hard to watch her destroy herself and–even worse–she is trying to take as many of us down with her as she can. I finally had to come to the realization there is nothing more I can do but pray for her. A lesson I’ve learned in my “maturing” years, is that some things are not my job; they are God’s. You might like to read the following–it’s one of my daily encouragements–and talks about the fact that “It’s Not My Job”. http://charleslmashburn.wordpress.com/2013/06/28/its-not-my-job-june-28/
    Peace to you, my friend.

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    • thank you Charles. You are so right, my sister also tries to drown all of us too. I have tried but there is nothing left for me to do but pray. I will definitely check out your link. I want you to know how much I appreciate your thoughts and the link. To have a friend understand how I feel brings me comfort. I wish that all families got along but maybe it is more common than i wish it to be

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  7. Thank you for the honesty in posting this. I won’t say that I know how hard it is for you to go through that, because I really don’t know. But I know God will guide you through this… and you’ll find forgiveness in your heart for your sister. Like they said, Love your enemies. Because loving someone adorable is easy, but someone annoying or an enemy? It takes effort. 🙂

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  8. Oh Terry! We both have sister’s who cannot see what harm their actions cause.Mine is older by 7 years and yet she acts as though she is the younger one. Having to face no consequences to her actions, and shrugging off the few times she has, she acts as if she’s the only one in the world that matters. She can’t see all the pain and hurt she has caused me over the years, but I am expect to hold her bleeding heart in my hands and tell her everything’s okay. My sister is one subject that I can go on about until I am in tears or am screaming at the top of my lungs. Until she makes that fist step and shows me she really wants my forgiveness I can’t help her anymore. It hurts too much to help her when she doesn’t seem to want to help herself.
    The more we get this stuff out the more we can heal, Terry!

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    • Cat it sounds like we have similar sisters. My sister gets into trouble, but it seems she places heavy guilt on her children and she is always lifted out of trouble. She really needs to fall hard so she can wake up and realize life is precious. What I have learned from writing this post is that I can do no more for her. I can not afford to take the time to stress and worry because she enjoys her life, at least on the outside, but I will be here for her when the day comes she really wants to change

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  9. HI Terry, it was wonderful reading your emotional heartfelt words. Sharing the hidden pain can be so very difficult but it can also be healing. I have a similar situation… it is always hard to deal with. Thank you for showing us this side of you and helping us all realize how important it is to shine a light into the shadows! Blessings!

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    • bless you Carri for stopping by and letting me know your thoughts. This is one of the reasons I write, in hope that I reach out to someone else who feels what I write. Thank you, big hugs

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