Mom Is In Heaven, But She Was Here Tonight


Today was not really too bad a day until this evening.

Al had his shower by the Hospice aide, then he laid down for a nap. He knew that I was going to take him to the fair today since it was free day. I told him we would eat supper there as a treat, even though I know how darn expensive fair food is.

To get Al ready to go somewhere it takes a lot of physical effort from myself. I have to take his wheelchair and him out to the car. Place him in the car, buckle him up. Place the folded wheelchair in the trunk. For me this is quite an effort as I have to lift it to trunk level and then push it inside. You also have the foot pedals and the cushion that he sits on.

For today I also had empty boxes from his briefs and liners and pads to throw a way. I had three bags of trash to take out to the trash. I had to get his and my medications for supper. I had to remember to take an individual size container of applesauce so he can take his pills.

It really puts my body through the wringer, especially my feet as they have Diabetic Neuropathy. Any time I lift or walk much they ache and burn, but I look at it as not for me, this is a treat for Al.

So we get to the fair grounds and it is packed for Free Day. There is no place to park that I won’t have to push his chair through gravel. I end up driving straight through to the actual fair and  park beside the radio bus. I leave Al buckled in and hunt down someone who works for the fair board.

I have to know if I can park inside the perimeters of the fair and I have to admit to these men that I can’t push the wheelchair through gravel and stones. They were very nice and said that today was open day and they would allow it but after today when everyone had to pay I could no longer do it. I told them that this was the only day I was coming and they stayed near by to make sure I got Al out.

After Al was out of the car, the men pushed him up the small slant so I could have it a little easier. I thanked them generously for their help in all they did.

I took Al to one of the food stands and found two empty seats. We were under a roof so he didn’t get too much sun. I ordered and paid for our food and then we ate. I knew it had been a couple of hours by now since I had changed him so after we ate we headed to the Arts building where I knew there were restrooms.

What I didn’t count on was that the bathroom doors of both gents and ladies doors were too small to get the wheelchair in. I started freaking out inside wondering how I was going to change him in private.

I am standing there going over ideas when I spot a lady that used to be Mom and Dad‘s old neighbor. I go up to her and explain that I could use her help. She sort of hesitated, which I guess this is normal. She did help. We got Al as far in the bathroom as the chair would go and then I stood him up and she and I walked him to the sink so he could hold on.

All of a sudden he starts crying and he never stops. She and I try to get him to stop but he is embarrassed that he needs help and more so because he and I knew her. But I did what I had to do, other wise we would have had to go home.

We got him changed and she washed her hands and then my turn came. We got back out in the main part and he is still crying. Then he starts his ranting about his disease. Going on and on about how it is taking over his life. He did something wrong to have it. It is taking over his whole body. He is going to die.

People were staring. The lady that helped disappeared. I tried to calm him down but it didn’t work. After all the physical work and the big dollars for the meal I had no choice but to bring him home.

I felt cheated, I am not going to lie. I had to dig down the fair people in order to park. My feet were burning from trying to push him in gravel. I begged for help to change him and now we were going  home.

On the way home he was still crying and feeling sorry for himself. I have so had it with his feelings of self-pity. I am sorry, I don’t mean to be a meanie, but I have told him so many times he could be so much worse off, but he is all about him and it will most likely remain that way.

After getting home I unload the wheelchair, put it back in a sitting position. Put the pad in it. Help Al get out of the car. Lug him up the ramp, open the door, pull as  hard as I can to get him over the bump from the ramp into the house, and finally get him seated in his lift chair, safe and sound.

My back is hurting, my feet are burning, and my fingers are kind of numb from hanging on to the chair to pull him. Still he is going on and on about his illness. I finally looked at him and said,STOP, I can’t take your pity talk anymore.

I explained what I went through out of my love for him and how I was disappointed that I didn’t get my ice-cream from the Dairy Barn at the fair, and now I would have to wait a whole other year.

He is not listening. I should have just shut my mouth. He is telling me how his body is sick all over and I am agreeing with him. He is telling me that it is probably going to kill him and I once again agree.  He started to say something else and I stood up from his bed and walked out of his room. He sat there in silence and just now turned his TV on. I bet he sat there for half an hour in silence. Maybe he was digesting our conversation.

I was pooped and sore. I came out to the computer and plopped my rear end down and lit up a cigarette. I knew in my heart that outings with Al were officially over. There would be no more pleasure trips unless I had guaranteed help, and I find that hard to believe it will ever happen. Everyone I know runs the other way when I ask for help.

When I took out all the trash I had laid clean bags inside of the cans. When I finished my cigarette I leaned down to pick up the bag. I felt something brush my arm. I thought it was a fly but it wasn’t. I turned around to see what it was and right here in the middle of my computer desk laid this. I instantly felt or heard something tell me, it’s alright, I am here with you. I didn’t get scared, instead I felt comfort as I knew in my gut and heart it was Mom. Threads that she used to sew with and the wads of thread she left behind were exactly like this one. This is in the same color as the feather I found on my bathroom floor a few days ago.

Thanks Mom, it brings me comfort that you are here and you understand……………………

my mom and dadMom and Dad

stringThe wad of string she left me on my computer desk. I love you Mom and miss you. Al is asking for you, he misses you too. I love you Dad and so does Al in his own special way.

44 thoughts on “Mom Is In Heaven, But She Was Here Tonight

    • I feel ashamed that I agreed with him so easily when he was saying his illness is going to make him die. I shouldn’t have done that. I was tired I guess and it does get to me when he talks about his disease and never looks at the things he can still do. I feel bad for being short with him

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  1. I’m sorry you didn’t get your ice cream, but maybe tomorrow while Al is at the day center you could go and get some at a local ice cream shop? You deserve a treat! As for the feather and the thread and the necklace, I feel you’ve got someone watching over you trying to comfort you. I am getting goosebumps again as I type this. If it really is your mom, of God or an angel I can’t say, but it’s good to know someone is taking care of you during all of this!

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    • I have to meet the Hospice nurse tomorrow and less than a mile down the road is a Dairy Queen. Maybe I will pay a visit!!!!! I know someone is here in our house and it brings me more comfort than fear

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      • That is good. Most of the experiences I have had left me cringing in fear and my heart pounding. One good time was many years ago shortly after a dear friend of my family’s passed away I was spending the night over at my cousin’s house as well as my sister and her young daughter. Her daughter was in a play pen sleeping in the room I was using. I was laying down to go to sleep and I had my glasses off ( I’m very nearsighted so I could hardly see). I looked over at the play pen and I saw a figure leaning over it checking on my niece. I assumed it was my cousin, because of the long dark hair, but my cousin was still down stairs. I blinked and the figure was gone. I believe it was that family friend checking on my niece. I knew God had other work for her and that is why her called her home at a young age. She was 19 when she passed. I sometimes think that maybe she watches over my kids too when they are sleeping. I hope so!

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      • I think this is why I am not afraid. Because I am sure it is Mom, just like what you saw. Someone dear was close and helping and still is……………I don’t think spirits are here to hurt us and I really don’t believe in the ghost thing

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  2. I can emphasize with you taking care of a sick person. I used to volunteer in a hospice. I also spent a great length of time with a good friend who withered away right in front of my eyes who wants to be euthanize in the mean time I too have sufferings. At the same token, I can emphatize with the dying because death won’t come sooner enough. God Bless You and Al. Mom and Dad and God will always be there for you. Perpetua.

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    • bless you for being so honest with me. You know what I am going through. You understand how it makes me feel inside when Al wishes to die so badly but it won’t happen. All I can do is encourage him to keep hanging on for when it is time, God will take him. I will miss him so much, but he deserves to be totally pain free. big hugs Seeker

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  3. It might very well have been a message from your Mother. When I look at the framed photograph of your parents it reminds me of a similar frame that graces my wall.
    I was very close to my Grandfather, So, when he passed away a few years ago. I was distraught beyond belief, and wondering how I could cope with the loss. Just when I was at my lowest ebb, I believe he found a way to help me cope.

    I am really OCD about clocks that don’t tell correct time, but even more so about pictures that aren’t hanging straight, even when they are only ever so slightly askew. I spend far more time than I care to admit, squaring them up,

    It used to drive My Grandfather bonkers, and no matter where I was, if ever he spotted me, inching toward an offending Photo frame he would bellow, gruffly, but good-naturedly, “Let it be, it’s not hurtin’ anybody!”

    Despite my odd foibles, I am not an overly superstitious person, and paranormal activity seems to be fodder for reality shows, and story books alone.

    There are a collection of six portraits that hang on my bedroom wall, and, as you can imagine, I can’t ever pass them by without tinkering a bit. So believe me when I say, these poor photo’s were never the slightest bit off kilter.

    One particularly tough night as I stood perusing the frames I felt a substantial tug on my pajama sleeve, I was startled, and pulled an almost perfect pirouette in an attempt to look behind.me
    Of course there was nothing to see, just paranoia.

    I cried myself to sleep that night, but from where I lay, all six pictures looked perfectly aligned.. By morning, however, the Photograph of my grandparents in their formal attire, which hangs right between my parents wedding photo, and my Dad’s army picture, on the top row, was hanging at about a thirty degree angle! That was as surreal a moment as I have ever experienced!

    As I stood there I could hear my Grandfather’s oft spoken words in my mind ” Let it be! It’s not hurtin ‘ anybody!” Was he telling me to chill out and stop getting so tightly wound up, that everything was going to be alright?

    I have never found a rational explanation for it, and it has never occurred since. Although on many occasions, my Grandfather’s presence has been strongly felt.

    I haven’t the slightest idea what happened. A freak tremor that only dislodged a single frame? A random breeze, through closed windows? Who knows? I only know that it brought me a great deal of comfort and peace of mind, at a time I needed it most.

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    • it is wonderful to meet you Cliff. I am very honored that you shared some of your life with me. I must have my pictures straight on the wall also. I don’t have activities usually happen in our home. But I believe that since Al is telling me he is speaking to Mom so much and I, myself, do this care giver task all alone, I believe that Mom is letting me know she is here for the two of us. It brings me comfort too, as the photos on your walls were crooked, you were being comforted by one you love so much. Death is near in our house and I think this is why things are happening here. I know your feelings on your loss. I miss my parents very much. Thanks so much for stopping by and chatting with me. hugs

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  4. I am glad our mom sent you a message when you most needed her. Your posts touch me deeply, in part because of the personal memories they resurrect, but more because of your honesty and heart. Keep writing..

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    • thank you so much Mimi. I really appreciate you stopping by and letting me know how you felt about what I wrote. The biggest joy of writing for me is knowing I am touching someone else

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  5. Deep breath. Deep breath. You are doing an amazing job. Try to stop yourself from thinking the overwhelming thoughts of the big picture. Bring your thoughts back to the NOW. As for trips out …. you deserve a ba-zillion medals for trying. I know you want to give Al a special day now and then ….. but maybe you could bring the special day to him by using that amazing imagination of yours: get a few DVDs from the library and make a “movie day” or spread out some goodies and make a “sundae day” . A little crepe paper hanging from the ceiling can make any room look festive. Chin up, Terry! You’re doing an amazing job.

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    • thank you so much my friend. I try really hard but I have to admit going out is not an option any longer. What you suggest are good ideas, and I will give these a try. Thanks so much for being a good friend

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    • yes he does. Al just doesn’t have a good hold on the fact that he is sick. I think he still believes that he is going to be like he was earlier. It is hard on the two of us. thanks for the link I appreciate it Brian

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  6. Just when you needed a cuddle or a hug and comfort you get it from your mum. God and mum and dad are with you all the way. We are too in thoughts! I so admire you , how you deal wiht everything and handle it. You are so strong and I wish you even more strength. Huge hug Terry! You need one and I love it too!

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  7. I assure you ~she was there! I’ve had these experiences repeatedly and know the spirit is very alive, especially our loved ones that have a stewardship over us. Bless you friend ~ your parents look heavenly !

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  8. It floors me sometimes how honest you are about your feelings — not that they are abnormal or bad, just that a lot of people would not admit to some of them — I admire that about you.
    I wish I lived closer to you — I’d have gone to the fair with you.
    This is a little off the subject, but what do you take for your neuropathy? I suffer from that myself, and my doctor gave me a food supplement called Metanx (http://www.metanx.com) to try. I was very surprised it actually worked — I’d tried everything and was just living with the pain. I’m not working for the company or anything, lol — just thought I’d mention it.
    Right now Al is probably coping the only way he knows how, but that doesn’t keep it from being frustrating for everybody around him. I’m hoping maybe your talk with him will do him some good so he’ll be happier through the rest of his time here. Being physically miserable is hard enough without being emotionally miserable with it.
    Hugs, hugs and more hugs to you and Al.

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    • I don’t take anything for it because I am phobic about medications. I adjust my life style. I don’t walk unless I have to. I split up my housework, some each day. the worst days are the holidays, especially Christmas, when there is a lot of baking to do. my feet just burn up and become numb, probably like yours. I rest them when they get to bad, or try to. Thank you for a wonderful comment my friend, big hugs to you from me

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      • It’s easy to understand your being phobic about medications — they can be awful when they go askew. I’ve been hospitalized more than once because of medications and/or their side effects, and it’s scary stuff.
        Just a little more info on that, since I know I do not express myself well, lol:
        I found this information on Wikipedia of all places. Metanx is a food supplement (rather than a medication) consisting of Vitamin B9(3 mg), Vitamin B6(35 mg), and Vitamin B12(2 mg) per pill once daily. For some reason this combination has been shown to relieve neuropathy symptoms. Wikipedia even suggests, and I kind of agree, that a person could just buy the vitamins at a much lesser price and take them that way rather than buy Metanx.
        When all is said and done, you have to do what you are more comfortable with, and I am going to shut-up about it before I sound like someone making a hard-sell, ,lol. Just wanted to pass on the information because I know what it is like to suffer from neuropathy and then get relief.
        Take care, my friend — I hope your evening has been peaceful for both you and Al.

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      • You know Becky,,,,,,,,,,,,you talking about these vitamins, reminds me of many years ago when I was diagnosed with diabetes. The doctor recommended the B vitamin family. I think I took them for a while and then one time when I needed them again they were not within my budget, so never got them again. I think I will go back and get those power B’s like I used to take. Thanks so much for reminding me!!!!! big giant hugs

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      • I do hope they offer some relief — to be honest, I have never priced just the vitamins themselves, and I hope they are not pricy — that would be a real bite in the butt. Let me know if taking B vitamins helps and I may start trying them instead of this prescription stuff — with Obamacare affecting our insurance in October, I may not be able to afford the Metanx any more, lol!

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      • I can go get some B complex. I used to take that and it helped. I am not sure why I quit, but now I need to do it again. You have been a big help, do you realize this???? no wonder we are friends

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      • It will be worth it for me to give that a try too, then — it’s got to be less expensive than Metanx, and better than pain meds!
        It makes me glad I have been of help, even though I’m not sure how — I’m really good at dispensing advice to others that I do not take myself, LOLOL!!
        I’d say we make good friends because we learn from each other and have a lot in common (except that I’m way more annoying), and I’m glad to be counted as one of yours, Terry. It would be my pleasure to send Al a card, whether he wants it or not, lol, and my email is becky6259@yahoo.com if you think it would make his day brighter.
        Always full of hugs for you both!

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      • Thanks so much for the email, and I’m getting a card and picture sent off tomorrow — lol, Al will probably be thinking, “Who ARE these people?!” Hugs to both of you!

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  9. I am thankful that you can be honest with us – your friends, to listen and offer our love. I know we all can’t be with you in person, but you have each us here when you need us. It was a lovely story about your mom – and yes, she is with you and it is through God’s grace and her love that give you strength.

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