It Isn’t Going to Get Better Is It


I was planning on going to meet the Hospice nurse today at Al‘s Day Program and then stop at the grocery store and get the list of things Al is running low on so I am not forced to take him out on the weekend. If we go out, I want it to be entirely for his enjoyment, and I don’t think a grocery store is something he would get excited about.

I met with the nurse and she took more time with him than usual. She checked his legs and feet, his toes, fingers and nails. She listened to his heart and his lungs. She listened to Al’s heart a few times and jotted down her familiar notes.

After telling Al goodbye and that I would see him in a few hours she and I talked out in our favorite hall. The first thing she asked me was, “have you read our book throughout yet?”

“Well bits and pieces.”

“You need to read all of it. It will explain a lot of what I am going to say to you.”

“Alright, when I get time.”

She then proceeded to tell me that Al’s toenails were dusking. I asked what that was and she said it was part of the process. What she really meant was that Al’s toenails are turning gray.

His fingernails were gray and half-way up his fingers, the skin was gray also. So now the toes and fingers are being affected. She said he had pitted Edema in his feet and a half-way up to the knee.

I sighed as I didn’t want to hear these terrible things. She stated that she could not hear his heart beat because it was so soft. She had to watch his breathing and get his pulse and respiration to get any details of his heart. She explained his heart is getting tired.

She then tried to encourage me by saying he could go on for quite a while like this. Once again I got the pat on the back as we both left through the front doors.

Al choked on his supper last night and had labored breathing this morning while I was washing him up. He looks a lot better on the outside then I guess his insides look.

I couldn’t deal with it. I so wanted someone to talk to, but there was no one. Even my son who I will speak to about it is off on a vacation from today until Sunday. So I did the next best thing. I went to Al and my favorite soda fountain and ordered a bowl of soup and added a fat piece of coconut cream pie. I drowned my tears in sugar. Now I regret it, as I will have to eat very light for my supper, but I guess it worked while I was eating because I didn’t cry again until I got in the car to go get groceries.Al on SundayCoconut-Cream-Pie-RE

41 thoughts on “It Isn’t Going to Get Better Is It

  1. You know why there is no ‘Like’ but you should know you are in thoughts and prayers. Having been here too many times and helping a friends family with this here, I know exactly what you are dealing with. You can read, absorb and try, but that doesn’t mean it will ever be easy to accept. You can drop me an email if you need… ((((( hugs )))))

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    • you are so right. I bounce back between fighting to keep him with me and fighting to let him go. between tears and trying to stay strong it can drive me crazy at times

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  2. Terry, why didn’t you click on me over Skype – I’m sure I was connected at that time .. Next time just click on me. Terry, he will have days like this .. and moments when things are just great for him and then even for you – you know that … but please, try not to cry – it will help neither of us .. and you will make yourself worn out. It’s the illness and you have to accept that it’s what it’s and you can only do so much as you already does. There is no miracles – it’s easier if you learn to accept and just let things happen as they do, not an easy thing to do … but the fact is that Al isn’t going to be around forever. Just like you and me. You have to find acceptance in your heart and mind. My thoughts are with you both.

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    • thanks my dear friend for your comforting words. I was just on skype and didn’t see you. I have to get ready for Al to come home so now I can not. Maybe I can get a hold of you tomorrow morning after Al gets on the bus. I will check to see if you are here and then click. hugs my friend

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  3. Terry I come back everyday to read hoping that things would get better for you and Al. My heart aches and I wish I was closer to where you are so I could embrace you in the hopes that you feel better if even for a little bit. I take courage in knowing that although getting worse, Al is still here and that means you still have the chance at creating some fond memories. My heart bleeds for you my darling. Give Al a kiss for me and tell him it’s a Caribbean kiss filled with lots of sunshine and happiness *Hugs*

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    • I sure will. I know what you are saying is correct. I still have time to create more memories. I am really trying to be big and keep my chin up, I am so trying

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      • While you’re trying on your end I’m praying and declaring on this end. There’s nothing too big for God to do and I am excited to hear about your next great memory with Al. Be encouraged my strong friend 🙂 Your pure heart and sincere soul is such an encouragement to me.

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  4. please take the time to read the booklet. i know this may be hard but you need to do it. there is another thing i would like to ask about. in a post you mentioned al was sleeping to long when he took his nap. as someone with heart failure i want to say that there are times i lay down for a nap and may not wake for several hours. there are some nights when a nap turns into a night of sleep. during this time i can not imagine someone telling me not to nap too long. it is out of my control. it is what my body needs..

    i know you are trying to do your best for him. sometimes that means letting nature take it’s course. please take care of yourself.

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    • I was told this by the Hospice nurse today in fact. To let him sleep whenever he wished. I guess I was thinking about how things used to be, but you are right and thanks for telling me, I needed to hear and read it

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  5. I am praying as hard as I can for his gentle transistion from this life to the better one waiting and for you my dear one I am praying for strength courage and Gods healing arms about you. Terry I am here for you I know you are going to need each of us and we will be here whenever for whatever at anytime. We care Terry and we are your friends that love you so much.

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  6. My heart goes out to you, and although this is MOST difficult, your writing has reflected the strength and character you have to continue on. Like I notice the difference. You are incredible.. just thought I would share this observation of your amazing self. 😀

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